'AITA for accusing my GF of cheating on me with my friend?' UPDATED 3X

"AITA for accusing my GF of cheating?"

I will try to make this brief but I am emotional so we will see how this goes. For the purpose of this post, I (F34) will be "Ali" and my GF of 1 year (F34) will be "Sunny." I wasn't looking for love when I met Sunny and I half expected it to fizzle out when we first started dating. To be clear, she's just out of my league. She's bubbly, outgoing, sweet, and popular- and I WFH and have one true friend "Beverly" (F35).

We started talking about moving in together and I was all on board. I currently live with Bev but she is thinking about moving in with her BF when our lease is up in November anyway, so the plan was for Sunny to move in with me after.

Recently it's been a lot. My dad was diagnosed with Cancer in January and then Mom called to tell me that my grandfather passed suddenly of a heart attack in February, then in March my sister was in a horrible car accident.

Things finally started to be somewhat calm since April but then Sunny went from very supportive and super sweet to quieter, and she put a screen lock on her phone, and in the past month she stopped leaving her laptop logged in, her tablet now has a password, and she's been taking longer phone calls in her car or going out with friends longer.

She's also just not been that affectionate. She's been intense, asking me a thousand questions like just recently she's been weirdly asking me if I haven't introduced her to all my friends, and if there are friends she might not know about. I went out with friends one night and when I got home she asked me with who and then didn't know the names and asked why I never introduced her.

I tend to be laid back, and I don't generally need to know where she is or who she is with all the time and she used to be the same. But this behavior made me wonder what night be going on.

Then this past week, I noticed she and one of my friends Jason (M40) had been hanging out more. His name would pop up on her notifications while we are together and she would turn the phone over or leave the room with her phone. Last night we were drinking and watching Netflix and she went to the bathroom and put her phone down but didn't lock it.

I saw Jason's name pop up and I opened the messages. A lot of the conversations were deleted but he had messaged her "Hey Ali is acting weird. Does she know?" My heart sank. I just tried to focus on staying calm. Knowing we both were drunk by this point. When she came back she saw me with her phone and asked "What are you doing?" All alarmed.

I handed the phone to her and asked if there was something she wanted to tell me and she just stared at me so I made a bluff and said "Hey I know about you and Jason, so you want to tell me?"

She sat down and just asked if I went through her phone. I asked her why it would bother her if she has nothing to hide. She asked me if I asked Jason and I just asked if they are having some sort of affair. She got really still and just quietly asked if that's what I thought and I explained everything I outlined here.

I said that I've been cheated on by my ex boyfriend and she's acting just like he was when I was starting to figure it out. Sunny offered for me to look through her phone but I said I know she deleted the conversation. When she asked what she can do to prove it to me that's she not cheating I really didn't have an answer. We sat there in silence for a while and I just got up and went to bed.

Sunny didn't come to bed and when I got up this morning, it's clear she slept on the couch but she also wasn't there. I figured she went home, so I messaged her but she hasn't responded.

AITA for accusing her? She's acting so odd and this doesn't make sense. She knows cheating is a dealbreaker for me. I've messaged Jason but he hasn't responded to me either and I am starting to question everything.

What do you think? AITA? This is what top commenters had to say:

Global-Fact7752 said:

NTAH...you didn't accuse her you asked her. Looks like the answer is yes.

LifeAsSimsCheatCodea said:

"A lot of the conversations were deleted but he had messaged her 'Hey Ali is acting weird. Does she know?'" This is really the only part that makes me side-eye, the rest I think might be explained away but why delete conversations? And then what is it you might know? I would ask specifically that.

LeilaniGrace0725 said:

You are NTAH. Given all the details, you had a right to inquire. I wouldn’t call it accusing.

A day later, OP shared this first update:

I managed to schedule in a late session with my therapist (I am in regular therapy due to past issues) and came up with some language and talking points when I got home I also strategies with my roommate Bev. Bev said I shouldn't jump to conclusions and was behaving like Sunny is my scumbag ex and that isn't fair. I told her I am planning to give Sunny a chance to clear everything up.

I called Sunny but she didn't answer, which Bev did bring up she could be working. She works odd hours as she works in the arts and we usually have a Google calendar to keep up with each others work hours and the like. I looked it up and she was scheduled to be working so I sent her a text.

The text essentially outlined what I said in my first post. That her behavior is not exactly above board, and the secretive nature of it lends to my questions. Specifically Jason's text that I saw and the deleted conversations. I said that if she's with Jason, then be with him, but don't jerk me around - it's cruel and manipulative.

Two things I would never expect her to be. I said I was well on my way to thinking I loved her and this has broken my heart and the fact that she was not there when I woke up spoke volumes. I expect an explanation by EOD or I will simply put the few items she left over my place in a box at the front door for her to pick up and take to Jason's.

I then texted Jason, and I admit this was not the plan. I was emotional and frustrated because Sunny saw my message and I could see her typing but then stopping and typing and stopping and I was just wanting her to either explain herself or confess. So I texted Jason a similar message.

Explaining that I thought our friendship would be stronger than this and just because my GF is bi he had to take advantage. It wasn't fair of him as he knows my history with being cheated on and he knows how deeply it hurt me. I expected more from him and I intend to not sugarcoat it when our friends ask what happened to us.

Well Jason actually responded with suggesting we have brunch today. I woke up anxious about it. I would prefer her just confess over text but now I have to deal with face to face. But I want to know what the hell they were thinking and why so here I am a full 30 mins early, sitting in my car waiting for the shop to open.

I really don't know what to expect and I haven't really had a chance to cry it all out yet. I have my job and at home Bev keeps saying I am overreacting and need to calm down and it's just irritating. I've had no quiet place to think and cry and just let it all out yet. I guess I will after brunch. Fingers crossed it will be brief and I can start moving on.

Two hours later, she shared this second update:

I'm an a$$h@le. After my last post, I got out of my car and walked around for a moment to think and calm down. I took a suggestion from the comments and downloaded a voice recorder app on my phone and started recording before I got back to the shop.

I walked in and Jason was there. WITH Sunny. As soon as I saw them sitting together I knew my relationship was over. So I said as much when I approached. I just said "Oh, so we're over then" and Sunny stood up and started saying she can explain and that I didn't understand.

I just laughed and mentioned that I did ask before what was happening and she didn't seem to want to explain and that said enough. I rehashed everything- the locked devices, passwords, the shifty behavior, the deleted texts. She can't look me in the eye and tell me she's that stupid or thinks I am. Sunny just shrunk at that and didn't look me in the eye.

"That's what I thought" I was saying and looked at Jason but he just stared at me. He was calm and just asked me to please sit down, so I did and put my phone and keys on the table on front of me as if ready to leave at any moment.

Jason said that he didn't reply to my text right away because Sunny had called hysterical and hungover saying I thought she was cheating, so he AND Bev went over to Sunnys to calm her down and talk it out. He wanted Sunny to explain it but she was too nervous after I had basically said she was just like my cheating ex. She figured I wouldn't believe a word she had to say.

Apparently this was all a misunderstanding. I've had such a crap year that Sunny went to Jason, Bev, and a few other friends with the idea of making a huge deal of my 35th birthday (in August) as I have complained of never really having a party for my birthday I didn't somewhat plan (true). So she's been spending months planning this out.

She rented out a local bar for the night of, invited my friends and swore them all to secrecy, ordered my favorite food for catering, decorations and the works. She said she started getting nervous the surprise would be ruined because we are always casually on each others devices so a friend suggested she delete the convos.

She even showed me in the group chat she had with my friends with a timestamp of a few months back where that suggestion came from. They showed me the receipts for the rental for the bar, the pre-ordered catering, a photobooth etc. She said she uses messenger so she had to lock all her devices messenger was on so I wouldn't accidently stumble on the surprise.

She was asking about friends she hadn't met so she could include them and invite them to my party. She said she wanted it to be big, like almost an event. That she'd been stressing about money so she could earn enough extra to afford it.

I asked her why she'd been so distant then and not very affectionate and she looked confused and said she noted I was usually not in a great mood and didn't seem to want her to touch me a lot so she was giving me space and she figured after the party,

where she then showed me the reservations of my surprised weekend in a vacation town not for from where we live, we would have time on the surprise vacation weekend to reconnect and reset.

Jason then handed over his phone to show me the conversations that were deleted off Sunnys phone and I looked them all over taking my time to read everything - they all had to do with the party. He offered for me to scroll back as far as I liked as he had nothing deleted and nothing to hide and I did scroll a lot. All the way to their first text.

The "does she know text" was about the party, he said, because I seemed tense around him and he felt I was being cagey when he and I texted which around the time I suspected him to be sleeping with my GF. At this point, I could see Sunny was holding back tears and she handed me her phone and again offered for me to look through every app if I wanted but I said no.

I didn't really know what to say from there because I frankly figured they were both there to confess to the affair. I rolled over everything in my head and just sat there silent. After a short while when our food arrived, Jason asked if I had any questions and I said no.

He asked me if I still thought there was an affair and I shook my head. My whole face felt hot and I just wanted to leave. He then asked me that since the cat was out of the bag about the party, if I wanted to be involved in the rest of the last minute planning and I said no.

Sunny started apologizing saying she never thought I would think she was cheating. That she froze when I accused her because she was drunk and shocked. It had hurt her deeply that I really believed that and she didn't know how to maintain secrecy of the party and keep me from breaking up with her thinking she was shagging my friend.

She said that she had never planned a surprise before and didn't want to ruin it. She asked me what I wanted to do or where we stood now and I just stared at them, frozen. I just shrugged and didn't really look them in the eye and we ate in relative silence. I paid our whole tab and left quickly while Sunny was in the bathroom.

Jason asked if I wanted to wait until Sunny got back but I didn't even answer and just rushed to my car and cried. I know I'm a coward and an ass. I have no idea how I am even going to face any of my friends because I saw in the groupchat Sunny explain that I thought there was an affair and what she should tell me to not ruin the surprise.

My friends mostly suggested she just tell me the truth noting my past relationship and how broken I was after. It felt weird to see how they viewed me and how right they were and now I just feel like an @$$. I texted Sunny that we should probably talk one on one when we calm down and she's replied that she really needs to take some time to breathe now that everything is out in the open.

I said I understood and asked how long she needed and if we can maybe talk tomorrow and she hasn't responded. Jason has since forwarded me some of the proof they showed me at brunch and just said "here if you need to talk" and nothing more. I know I need to apologize but I don't even know where to begin.

I don't even know how to fix this now, or how to make it up to Sunny or Jason. I can hear Bev moving around downstairs and I can't even face her. I'm still mad at her for not telling me the truth but I know how unfair I am being. What the hell do I even do????

A day later, she shared this third and final update:

I read through the comments and realized in my fear of being too long-winded I skipped over some important context. Also any and all comments that are just insults against my GF, BFF, and/or myself - congrats, I didn't read them and i sure as hell aint wasting my time to reply to them. Does that actually work for you normally lmao?

Anyway, context - sorry if i wasnt clearer before this is my first time making posts, i usually just read: I wasn't in the "she's definitely cheating" mindset for weeks like some comments suggested. It was all over the course of 2ish days (3 tops).

Before that I was just confused by her behavior and didn't really know what was going on. No one left me to wallow like that for weeks on end. I was vocal for a short time before the brunch.

Everyone was operating off of a comment I made when Bev's BF threw her a big surprise party last year and I made an offhand comment of how cool that was because I always plan my own stuff and it would be awesome to have a surprise party planned by my friends or partner.

Bev is my BFF, and there is nothing romantic between us before this or after this. She's engaged to my brother and both of them are about as straight as a designated sock drawer. I am set to be their MOH in the wedding. Anyone thinking she wants in my pants really needs to touch grass, this isn't bad anime.

I do refer to Bev as my only friend because we've been childhood buddies and I realize that confused people. I do have other friends that I'm just not very close to at all. Most of them are Bev or Jason or my brother's friends and I am "in the friend group". So I am now referring to Bev as my BFF and the others as friends to avoid the confusion.

Some of the others did pressure Bev to be "subtle" and "not ruin the surprise" and there more below I actually found out this morning. I am not a man. I am a lesbian. Indeed my ex boyfriend "turned me gay" lmao (kidding, I've always been gay but didn't know until after my ex). Sunny is bi for those who are confused.

Jason is also not trying to screw me. He is married to Bev's sister "Deanna" (F37) i domt mention her because she frankly hates Sunny and I don't tolerate people disrespecting my GF so she now also hates me. Jason just usually keeps us all pretty separate though we are cordial when in each others presence now.

Sunny is not the abusive cheating ex those are different people, he was a malicious unfaithful toad. Yes, I am already in therapy. I mean it's in the username lol. I had a depressive episode earlier this year and thus I can call emergency sessions with one of the 3 therapists I've been seeing since then.

Without getting too much into my issues, if you're struggling GO to therapy if at all accessible where you live - it might be more accessible than you think as the program I use was free while I didn't have insurance at first. I think that's most of the misconceptions I've read.

Well good morning to the hundreds of people who commented on my last freaking post. I honestly expected maybe 20? It was a bit overwhelming. Thanks to everyone with actual advice, ideas, kind words, and constructive criticism or sent me kind messages - I have an update for you.

And a special make love to a rusty spoon to anyone who spend their time trolling posts just to be mean for no clear reason or being a homophobic peice of camel poo. You can leave lol.

I'm in a jolly mood this morning because a lot has been cleared up. I spent most of last night on FaceTime and text trying to suss out what to do and what everyone was feeling. Turns out the friend group was as split as reddit on whether or not I suck. Which was fine with me because I feel I am the AH overall.

Bev helped clear a lot up by giving me her tablet and showing me the conversations she had outside the groupchat. Turns out there were three friends that really pushed for this, and out of these Gorgans the ringleader is "Tammi" (F35) who is also a bridesmaid of Bev's and has been trouble ever since she's been asked.

I won't bore with the whole story but she's one of those pushy people in a wedding party that wants to make it about them. Bev (and Sunny too I found out) was getting messages calling her a buzz kill, wet blanket and way worse mostly from those three.

They advised her to be a subtle in talking me down to not "ruin this for everyone". My brother is pissed at me and blames me for Bev being bullied and tells me she was so stressed out she was vomitingand would spend hours at his place stressing out about what to do.

I also found out that Sunny planned to propose at the party which was a huge reason everyone wanted to keep it under wraps.

A few friends, including Jason and Bev were wanting to simply be unepcific but say there is a surprise and they can't tell me what it is yet but one of the Gorgon's told Sunny that she may as well cancel the proposal then because if I see it coming it will be so wholly disappointing that I won't enjoy any of it as the whole point was to fulfill my dream of having a surprise party planned by my SO.

As far as I am concerned everyone's judgement (mine included) was messed up here. Most everyone, even one of the Gorgons, has apologized once they got the full story of what happened. Bev has been nothing but apologies and has been doing everything she can to "make it up to me".

Jason apologized in the way that Jason usually does "I'm sorry you felt z, y, z." Etc. I've since apologized to the people I've felt I should, Sunny, Bev, my brother and Jason. I jumped to a conclusion and instead of gathering evidence and being sure, I went to accusations.

I came up with a whole situation in my head that Jason and Sunny were having an affair which looking back is the silliest conclusion to jump to but I was drunk and emotional-not an excuse- so my judgement was way off. You don't know those 2 but they wouldn't mesh well.

As for Sunny, we talked late last night/early this morning. I got to apologize also for running out on her and explained how I was feeling. She apologized for everything and putting a proposal as a concept over my actual happiness.

We've decided that we're not ready for engagements or anything like that but we are good together and just need to learn to communicate better. She and I are going to have therapy together and try to get the tools needed to do that.

The only person I'm on the outs with is Jason's wife and the lead Gorgon and that's okay with me right now. My brother and I still have some mending to do and I don't know what to do about that but for now I am focusing on what I can do.

We think the party is still happening as there are elements I don't know about and can act as the surprise but the guest list has changed given the situation. I am very much looking forward to the vacay with my Bae after. I think that's it so unless anything else goes ass up, this is my final update.