'AITA for accusing my sister of putting her husband before her 11-year-old daughter?'
"AITA for accusing my sister of putting her husband before her 11-year-old daughter?"
My sister (33f) has an 11 year old daughter with her ex Gary (33m). They dated on and off until my niece was 3 and then they officially broke up and stayed apart. My sister dated some but met her husband Paul (35m) 3 years ago. Paul admits to being jealous that my sister has a child with Gary already and hates that it means having to deal with the ex (Gary).
There's animosity between the adults involved as a result. My niece really loves her dad and the two of them always had a close relationship. My sister used to let her keep a photo of her dad in her room at my sister's house but Paul put a stop to that because he didn't like photos of the ex where he lived.
This upset my niece but my sister backed Paul on that and at the time I told her it was a petty move and one that would likely strain whatever relationship Paul was building with my niece.
On the flip side Gary allows my niece to have whatever photos she wants and there's even one (truly the only) nice photo of the three when my niece was about 2 and he keeps it in the living room for her and she has a couple of copies of it.
My sister bought my niece a fairy light thing for her room that allows clip on photos and my niece put a photo of her and her dad up there. Paul found it and he demanded she take it down and get rid of the photo because no photos of her dad are allowed inside HIS house.
This made my niece scream at Paul that she hates him, he's not her dad, she hopes her mom and him get a divorce and she doesn't ever want to live with him again because her dad is so much better and she told him to leave her alone and not talk to her.
My sister wasn't home at the time and she came back to Paul angry and my niece refusing to talk to Paul and that continued and she fought with my sister when my sister told my niece to apologize for all she said to Paul.
So my niece took down all her nice things at my sister's house and made it basic as hell because my sister and/or Paul said her room looked so nice because of him. She said she didn't want it anymore if Paul got it. And she also refuses to call it her room now. She keeps saying it's Paul's room.
My sister vented to me about it because my niece already had. She said she doesn't know why my niece is being so petty. I told her she's choosing Paul over her. That we're not talking about Gary's photo in the living or dining room, it was supposed to be her bedroom.
She said Paul has a right to have rules about his house. I told her he does but those rules could still push people away and my niece has Gary's example to compare them too. I told her I thought Paul was being super petty and by supporting him she's picking a man over her child.
My sister said that wasn't fair and how would I like photos of my husband's ex all over our house. I told her she didn't need to exaggerate and if my husband had kids with someone their mom's photo would be allowed in their rooms at least.
Well, now that my sister is pissed at me, I also got to hear from Paul who said my niece needs to learn respect and that I need to stop being such a judgmental monster. AITA?
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
Paul sounds extremely insecure if he can’t handle an 11-year-old having a picture of her dad in her own room. That’s not about “rules,” that’s about control. Your niece has every right to feel betrayed that her mom didn’t stand up for her on something so personal.
KDanno (OP)
He admits to being jealous so yeah, he's insecure and the strange thing is he still chose to marry a single mother.
Your sister is failing as a mother. How is your relationship with her ex? I think you should tell him everything and offer to testify at a new custody hearing. Your sister doesn't deserve to have even partial custody and your niece deserves better. I think the court would be interested to hear all about petty paul and his enabling wife. NTA.
You wait the neice is going to at 16 want to live with dad if not sooner and if that doesn't happen she will move out at 18 and the op's sister and loser paul will be dust in the wind as she goes no contact with both of them.
KDanno (OP)
She'll need to be 17 unfortunately but she already wishes she could live with her dad over her mom.
NTA. Your niece is lucky to have a dad and aunt/uncle (you didnt designate what you are) who are amazing role models. Paul is clearly insecure and/or a control freak and id be scared if there's more going on if something like a picture in her bedroom is setting him off.
Your sister is either scared of him or she is putting her happiness ahead of her daughter. Either way, you did good trying to get her to realize it but stay vigilant for your niece's sake.
We know this wasn't something that popped up after the wedding so how did the sister even allow herself to be with someone like this? her daughter will soon be asking her dad to make it where she lives with him most of the time.
A grown man is jealous of a child. He is the less mature of the two. Is it possible for your niece to live full time with dad? Also, a child has the right to decorate their room any way they want unless it means breaking things. It is supposed to be her safe place. I love she is so petty, but it is not a good thing for her relationship with her mum.
I hope she does not end up resenting her. OP should talk to Paul and ask him directly why he is deliberately trying to bully a child. Because that is what he is doing. Is your niece’s dad aware of what is happening? He needs to know so he can protect his kid.
KDanno (OP)
Her dad knows. But there's nothing he can do. My niece needs to be 17 before her voice can be heard for custody and even then it could technically be ruled without weighing her voice from what others have told me about their custody experiences. He does document everything just in case it turns to abuse (that he can prove) because Paul has a temper.
NTA...Sounds like rhe best thing for your neice may be a parental alienation case brought on by her father again her mom and step-dad. That would be for her dad, a lawyer, and judge to decide though.