'AITA for acting like a spoiled brat after learning my older sister was adopted?' 2.5 YR UPDATE
"AITA for acting like a spoiled brat after learning my older sister was adopted?"
I am a 15 F, and I have an older sister, Lila (17 F). Recently, I found out that Lila was adopted before I was born. My mother was considered infertile, (I was a one-in-a-million miracle baby that "defied the odds"), so she and my father adopted Lila.
Throughout my life, they've been pretty good parents. They love us both, and they've never treated Lila and me any differently. But then Lila discovered she was adopted (and no, they didn't tell either of us). After some initial, "why didn't you tell me!" and identity issues, Lila seemed fine. I don't know if she was, but she seemed normal. She was at first angry at them for keeping it a secret, but eventually cooled off.
But for the past four months, my parents have been prioritizing Lila. They told me they "assure Lila that blood doesn't change family/make up for keeping the fact she was adopted from her/etc." I think they feel guilty. I get wanting to reassure Lila that, blood or not, she is a part of this family, but they have been continuously favoring Lila for these past months.
They missed my high-school play, instead staying home and serving snacks to Lila and her friends during movie night. On my birthday, they got Lila a freaking car. For MY birthday! They've been going on dates with her, serving her favorite meals, getting her little gifts (getting nothing for me), and missing out on my things for Lila.
I'm really not trying to sound like a spoiled brat, but I feel like in trying to make Lila feel like she still belongs, they're neglecting me. I don't even think Lila wants it! I mean, what seventeen-year-old wants to spend loads of time with her parents?
It all came boiling out last Monday. There was traffic on my way home from school, so my parents and Lila were eating dinner. They had gotten Chinese, from Lila's favorite restaurant and were all eating when I came walked in. I overheard my mom telling Lila, "We chose you for our family. I loved you even without birthing you, without hormones telling me to. I feel like that's the most important thing of all."
I dunno, but it kinda felt like a dig. It got me thinking if my mom didn't give birth to me, would she love me any less? If it wasn't "me" she gave birth to, she won't ever know the difference. She would just love that child because hormones told her to.
I blew up. I ran into the room, crying. I told my family, "I guess we're not really family, right? since you didn't choose me?" I then ran into my room.
My parents said they were sorry if I thought Lila was being prioritized, but they also said I should apologize to Lila, as they were having an emotional discussion that I interrupted by barging in and yelling.
They said I was old enough not to be a spoiled baby (okay they didn't exactly say that but they said I was acting spoiled, hence the title), that I knew this was hard on Lila and I should be nicer. I'm just done. So exhausted and fed up with this all. I've barely spoken to them since Monday. So, AITA?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
Copy this post and comments, email this to your parents.
Sometimes it’s overwhelming to express yourself when face to face, but you’ve written about your hurt very well here. Also it should be pointed out to your folks that they’re causing a rift between yourself and your sister.
For fear of losing your older sister they’ve overcompensated and may eventually lose you if they don’t fix things.
Your parents have completely fucked up and mismanaged this entire scenario. And buying your sister a car on YOUR Birthday? WTF is that? Hard NTA, not by a long shot.
pixie_dust216 OP:
I'm gonna do that. They were really good parents when I was younger, and I love my sister. I just want things to go back to normal
NTA. Your parents are insane. Nearly 2 decades of good parenting is being destroyed by them and they don’t care.
pixie_dust216 OP:
Looking back now, I think my mom was always a bit of a narcissist and my dad a pushover. Like, she would buy me clothes that definitely weren't my style in an effort to make me more like her. But they're not bad parents, just made a few pretty big mistakes
Your title is misleading bc you are 100%not acting like a spoiled brat. NTA. You are completely right in all the slights and newfound favoritism.
Their parents made them feel that way and Unfortunately it’s not going to get better
pixie_dust216 OP:
I was kinda jealous of Lila, even though I knew she was affected more than me, Hence, the title. But thanks for the comment!
Later OP added these edits:
Alright, I just wanted to clarify one thing. So, when my parents got Lila a car for MY fifteenth birthday, they said it was for both of us. But in my country/state, fifteen-year-olds are only allowed to drive with a learner's permit. My parents said they got me a car because it was my fifteenth birthday, I was gonna get a learner's permit, blah, blah, blah.
But I couldn't drive the car until I had a learner's permit. And Lila has a driver's license, and the car was a pickup truck, a style Lila has said she always wanted. So it was pretty clear it was Lila's car.
Then OP updated the same post with this:
So! Update time! First off, I've been reading all your messages, and Thank. You. So. Much. I honestly thought the vote would be a little more divided. So, Lila and I took a joyride. Rereading my post, I think I was jealous and a little angry at Lila. Which she totally did not deserve, those were just my feelings.
But anyway, Lila and I got to talking. Turns out she mentioned wanting to find her birth parents, which is how this whole mess started. My parents flipped, taking Lila wanting to find her birth parents as some kind of attack, instead of simple curiosity. Things are definitely still rocky in my house, but Lila's on my side. We're both searching for her parents, together.
Some of you suggested showing this post to my parents. I think I'm gonna show it to my grandmother, or my aunt first and get their advice. None of my family is very online, so there's no chance of them coming across this post. I just want my parents back.
Update 2! So I am gonna talk to my aunt and grandmother, but first I thought I should update you because some things went down.
So, Lila confronted our parents. And by confronted, I mean blew up. They both cried. Turns out, she isn't over them never telling her about her adoption and really reamed into them for that. Should have been obvious but I guess she just seemed fine to me.
She said “you’re so scared of empty nest syndrome that your gonna end up pushing two daughters away. I don’t feel like ‘part of the family’ with you guys favoring me and acting like I’m gonna run away at first glance. ” Then she stormed off.
Because of this little spat, my dad actually gave me a real apology, not buts or gaslighting. My mom hasn’t given me an apology per say, but we’ve talked about the whole “we chose you hormones didn’t make us do it” thing. I’m gonna do what some of you suggested and send this post to them.
I’m not gonna cut them out, I’m still only fifteen, but I do have some form of escape plan. I don’t think they’re toxic, just humans who made a mistake and now are trying to make for it with other mistakes.
Kay, I talked to my aunt and grandmother and they gave me some advice. My winter break is coming up, so I’m gonna stay with them for that week just to let things cool off. When I told them I was gonna stay at my aunts, my dad seemed resigned while my mom started crying. She said it felt like she was losing both of her daughters.
I suggested family therapy, and it seemed like it was well received. I’ll update you guys if they schedule an appointment. For right now, I’m just operating like I’m permanently moving out and seeing what comes from there.
Update 3: Kay, I talked to my aunt and grandmother and they gave me some advice. My winter break is coming up, so I’m gonna stay with them for that week just to let things cool off. When I told them I was gonna stay at my aunts, my dad seemed resigned while my mom started crying.
She said it felt like she was losing both of her daughters. I suggested family therapy, and it seemed like it was well received. I’ll update you guys if they schedule an appointment. For right now, I’m just operating like I’m permanently moving out and seeing what comes from there.
Then, 2.5 years later OP posted a new update:
I don’t think anyone really cares about this but I recently reread my old post and decided to write a short update. In my last post, I talked about how my parents were kind of narcissistic.
Not true, just 15-year-old me experiencing teenage angst and starting her emo phase. Being sometimes self-centered or attention seeking is completely different from being a narcissist. My experience doesn’t even come close to someone who was actually raised under that abuse. It’s a late apology, but I’m sorry.
Lila and are good. Better now since she actually went away to college and I realize I like spending time with her when I wasn’t forced to be in her proximity. We send each other random memes and text but we don’t see each other that often. She did reconnect with her bio family. My parents and I flew out to meet them and they were so nice.
They gave her up because Lila had some health complications that require required surgeries they could not afford. Since she was still in the baby age, they knew it was most likely she’d be adopted right away and could have a life without the complications, which she did.
We also got to meet Lila‘s bio extended family, which was the best part of the trip. So many of them cried upon seeing her walking and kept on thanking my parents. The bio family and ours arent really close, but it was nice to meet them.
I did stay with my aunt for two weeks. She was kind, but she also had her own life going on, so I ended up alone a lot. I started journaling, which has done wonders for my mental health. That was the kick in the teeth my parents need it. They looked for therapies, but it took another few months before they found one covered by their insurance.
In the meantime, I moved back in and it was bad and good. We argued because I was a kid (still am), but my mom and dad did this thing where they chose one singular spot for each of us where we’d hang out. From mine it was this spa around a half an hour away for my dad, and a small dog park for my mom. We also adopted a dog. Anyway, now im applying to colleges and life sucks
Here's what people had to say after the update:
In your original post, you mentioned maybe showing it to your parents. Did you ever get to do that?
pixie_dust216 OP:
Yes? Sorry, I thought I already mentioned that. I showed my aunt before I showed my parents asked if I could stay with her over winter break. During winter break, I sent the post to my parents So I was out of the firing range just in case. That’s when they started trying to get me to come home and looking for therapy
Holy macaroni that ending line…I love teenagers. You could not pay me enough to go through my teenage years again. But I hope these kids do okay. They have some real brightness and their adults are trying.
Wow Not telling your daughter that she’s adopted until she’s 17 is one thing. It’s EVEN CRAZIER under the circumstances of that particular adoption
I'm glad to hear you and Lila and your parents are doing better. Being a teenager is hard. Emotions are very intense. Both you and Lila went through a big learning situation that your parents thought they'd be able to hide from both of you. They were unprepared and handled it terribly. Thanks for the updates. Good luck with college
This is why you don't hide adoptions from your kids. The parents are so self centered for traumatizing both of their kids instead of making it clear from a young age.