'AITA for not adapting my schedule to accommodate my BF's daughter’s mom?'

"AITA for not adapting my schedule for my bonus daughter’s mom?"

(All names have been changed) Hey community! Backstory : Ok so I (33F) am in a committed relationship with Tom (34M). - we’ve just had a baby together (2month old boy). He has an ex, T-Rex (35F), with whom he has a daughter (4F) and adopted a dog (6F)

When they broke up T-Rex imposed on Tom her schedule (she works in events and selling alcohol so has an unpredictable schedule). From one week to the next she said “you get to see daughter this night night”, making sure that it was 50-50.

When I came into the picture I said to Tom that I didn’t want my life to be dictated so unpredictably (I didn’t want it to be an ultimatum, but I wanted to be clear about how I saw my life). And regardless, daughter shouldn’t be shoved around households so much, she needs a routine.

I won’t go over the war this launched, and How many times this changed over the past 2+ years. I also won’t go over that she kicked him out after having cheated on him with a married guy, and that she kept EVERYTHING and Tom had to reinvest in everything for his daughter.

I also won’t go over the fact that even though we’ve come up with a schedule, T-Rex still tries to change it up a lot, and refuses to pay for a babysitter, “you’re the father, you’re the one that should look after her if I’m unavailable, you should adapt your schedule to me”

So we’ve said that if we’re available we will take daughter but won’t switch nights as we feel it’s not fair on her to have one night here, one night there. It’s chaotic enough as is (we do 2-2-3 / 2-2-3)

During my pregnancy she constantly relied on me to pick up the slack with daughter because she has to work (when daughter was sick, or school strikes etc, I was there)- she’s self employed (I also work btw, I just have a very understanding boss)- Tom is on the road a lot so can’t be geographically available at the drop of a hat.

Whenever Tom said I couldn’t because I was tired she’d go “she’s exaggerating, I know what it’s like to be pregnant, it’s not that deep - you guys are a couple, therefore you should be able to do more”

She gave birth during lockdown, we're in France so we has a lot of government help, no working, especially in her industry - so she practically did’t work at all during her pregnancy and for a year after daughter’s birth)), this was happening up until I gave birth (to my very healthy happy baby potato).

We also said that when our son was born we wouldn’t help out as much, and would not look after the dog (that she kept) - I love the dog but she sheds a lot of hair and tends to catch flees, and it’s just not comfortable. To this she said « well I did it, you should be able to>>

Up until now we always said yes to her needs. (She was never available for us, she only took daughter the night I gave birth, but then didn’t adapt at all) But now we help less. And she keeps bashing “postpartum Isn’t that hard, I know what it’s like, using your son as an excuse to not help is not valid, I’m running my own business etc.”

A couple of weeks ago she said she needed an operation and needed us to take daughter and dog for two weeks and then she’d have daughter for two weeks. I said no, ok for daughter, but not for dog. And no switching nights.

She said “we’ll see how I feel” I said “no I need to know in advance, and not be “on call”” - left it at that. She’s now asking again for us to take dog, and has changed her mind, needs us to take daughter tonight… (we’ve said yes for daughter, not dog)

I feel I should add: Both her parents are alive and retired, she has four siblings, not sure about her social life, pretty sure she hasn’t met anyone. So far no lawyers or judges have been involved. AITA for not adapting everything to her needs?

Bonus: I like to call daughter “bonus daughter” and she calls me by a cute nickname but refers to me as being her “bonus mum” (as opposed to step-mum) - T-Rex lost her mind and said “she isn’t your bonus mum or step mum, she’s your dad’s girlfriend, it hurts me to hear this." Thank you for reading! Thank you for any responses.

Edit: I love daughter, she’s great. The fact that I step up when Tom is unavailable is my choice and it rarely needs to happen, if we have daughter, Tom makes sure he’s around. But he agrees that he needs to buck up

This is what people had to say to OP:

[deleted] said:

IANAL: NTA but you need to get this before a family law judge and get a solid custody schedule on the books that locks her in to a commitment. Otherwise you’ll forever be at her beck and call. She says jump and you say how high. And your husband needs to put his foot down with her. He’s not making you a priority.

OP responded:

I appreciate your response !! He’s ver much non-confrontational, but he’s getting better.

Clear-Ad-5165 said:

Nta - You're right. the daughter needs a set schedule. Don't let trex walk all over you. Court? Why no court custody and child support. Block her on social media, who cares what she thinks. Don't take the dog.

OP responded:

Thanks for your response!!! You’re right. I don’t know why I let her get under my skin

This_Mark5397 said:

Your partner might not be confrontational but in this situation he needs to be because the ex is walking all over you both. The only way it’s going to work is if he takes her to court and gets a set schedule in place.

Icy-Doctor23 said:

Get a lawyer involved and only communicate with her via parental app

OP responded:

Yeah. we’ve been talking about lawyers more and more … I’m just scared of the effect it’ll have on daughter. We’re gonna try mediation first …