'AITA for expecting my ADHD stay-at-home husband to do laundry and other chores while I'm at work?' UPDATED

"AITA because I expect my ADHD stay-at-home husband to clean, do laundry, and other chores while I am at work?"

This is my first time posting here. I (45f) work as a music teacher. That means some I end up spending a lot of extra time at work doing musicals, concerts, and things like that. I bring home all the money. When I got pregnant with my oldest, my husband (38m) and I decided he would stay at home with the kids because I made more than he did.

He tried to make money with Twitch, but barely brought home $100 a month, if that. None of that goes to household expenses and it usually gets spent on junk food for him. Now that our youngest is in all-day preschool, we both agreed that he needed to either get a job or do something else to make money.

He decided on homesteading. I started a garden and we got a bunch of chickens. I work on the garden when I’m not exhausted after work (maybe one weeknight a week) and on weekends when the weather is good. I’m starting the garden from scratch, so it’s a lot of hard work with hand tools to prepare the beds.

He does a pretty good job of doing the dishes and feeding us. The laundry gets done, but it’s not always folded. As far as I can tell, he attempts to clean portions of the house maybe once a week to once a month. He made a brooder box for the chickens and has been working on the chicken coop for the last three weeks.

I am getting increasingly frustrated with the state of the house and his inability to get things done. For example, the toilet paper holder I bought five months ago is still sitting in a bathroom, not installed. Today (a Saturday) he said I should look after the kids so he can get the coop done. My response was that he had eight hours five days a week while I’m at work and the kids are at school to work on it.

He complains that it’s his ADHD keeping him from doing it (he’s medicated). Because of his ADHD and anxiety, he struggles to keep a job anyway, but he also streams 4 hours every morning and 4 hours every night on Twitch. He thinks he’s finally growing his channel by doing this.

I don’t have as much time to do anything and I’m getting frustrated because some things won’t be ready to harvest in time unless I get them in the ground soon. He complains that I don’t help out around the house, which I don’t except picking up after myself.

We don’t have a lot of money and we had to resort to using our credit cards to move to our current location and buy things for the garden and homestead. In order to pay them off, I’ve had to take a second job. I’m frustrated, stressed, and exhausted all of the time now, so maybe I’m overreacting.

He said that I shouldn’t have taken the extra job. He just drove off in his car that we haven’t been able to afford to fix, leaving our oldest crying after he overheard our argument. AITA because I wanted my husband to keep an eye on our kids so I could work on the garden?

Am I also TA because I expect him to do dishes, the laundry, keep the house clean, and his homesteading stuff when I’m not home without chipping in on the housework?

Edit: The house is a general wreck, not just not up to my standards. It smells of cat urine and chicken poop because he doesn’t take care of the litter often enough. The floor is rarely clear and even more rarely clean. Every surface has piles of stuff on it, even couches, chairs, counters, and tables.

We typically trade off on parenting and cooking duties. I get up with the kids, feed them breakfast, and get them ready for school. He cooks dinner and gets them ready for bed.

It’s not that I don’t want to parent on weekends. I was up at 6:30 with our youngest and took them both on errands until 12:30 so he could finish the coop. He couldn’t finish it in that time, so they played outside while we both worked on the garden and the coop.

What do you think? AITA? This is what commenters had to say:

DamnitGravity said:

So... he contributes nothing and costs you money, time, and effort. And you're with him because....? He's using his ADHD as an excuse. I have many friends with varying levels of ADHD and they're able to be good, active and present parents while keeping their homes tidy. Your husband isn't your partner, he's one more kid you have to take care of. NTA.

mutable_type said:

NTA but he’s not going to change. Make your exit plan.

shaxiaomao said:

My husband is diagnosed and medicated for ADHD. He has never had an issue holding a job down, does chores, and is a phenomenal father to our child. Does he like gaming? Absolutely. But he cut that down a lot after we became parents and sticks to an hour or 2 at night a couple times a week, after the kid is asleep and chores are done.

He uses apps and a notebook in his pocket to keep track of things. I suspect I have it too, and use productivity apps to keep on track with chores. I can easily get lost for hours reading, so I make sure I save it for the end of the day and use alarms to keep myself from staying up too late.

Your husband has to go to work or figure out a system that works for him to stay on track. ADHD is not an excuse to not show up as a partner. He needs to shape up or you're better off getting rid of him. Like any mental condition, it's not his fault but it is his responsibility to manage.

sixdigitage said:

Let’s be clear: • Streaming 8 hours a day is not homesteading. • Leaving the house dirty is not ‘doing your best.’ • Letting your partner take on a second job while folding no laundry and planting no seeds is not ADHD—it’s avoidance.

ADHD can make life harder, but it doesn’t make people helpless. And if he can plan a Twitch schedule, manage a stream overlay, and talk to strangers online for hours… then he can fold a towel, clean a kitchen, and keep promises made to you.

You are not selfish for expecting him to show up. You are not unreasonable for being tired of half-done efforts. You are not a villain for needing support instead of excuses.

You are a mother, a provider, a builder, and a visionary—and you deserve better than to be guilt-tripped for needing partnership while someone else is playing pretend with his future on your back.

So no—you are not the @$$hole. You’re the backbone.

If he doesn’t see that, then maybe it’s time he looks in the mirror—not the webcam.

And queerblunosr said:

As a NON MEDICATED ADHD person - you’re definitely NTA. He needs to shape up. If his meds aren’t effective enough for him to get things done then he needs to change meds or adjust his dosage.

She later shared this update:

He came back and explained that he was so upset because he knew he wasn’t doing what he should be doing at home. He felt bad, but somehow “couldn’t make himself do it” and the more I nagged/complained, it made it worse. He has decided to give up streaming until he can keep up with the house and the homestead better. I’ll update you after more time goes by to let you know how it goes.

We'll keep you posted on any future updates! Good luck, OP.