"AITA for admitting to my daughter that I hate what she changed her name to?"

I (39 F) was born in Canada but was taken to India weeks after I turned 18 and was married by my parents to my cousin who I barely knew. I was treated well by my husband (he was polite, paid for school there, took me on dates and never forced me to do anything) and his love is why we reconnected when he came to Canada.

But his mother hated me and was always yelling, calling me useless, demeaning me and even vowing to get me divorced so my husband could marry my sister. When I got pregnant I had to go, I couldn't subject my child to that witch. Our maid helped me return to Canada and I named my daughter Zahira (fake name) after her.

I have a good life, great job, amazing children and am in a PhD program now and it is because that maid took a big risk just to help me. My daughter became hateful to the name Zahira at about 10 and then pretended to have a more typical Canadian name or used a nickname. She stopped appreciating that she was named after the woman who helped us escape Hell.

When Zahira turned 18, she changed her name to Ruhani (again fake). I can live with a name change but Ruhani is so close to my mother in law's name. It triggers me. I've told her and she doesn't care. My psychologist has helped me with this but it hurts. I accept she is not Zahira anymore but I cannot say Ruhani even if everyone does so I use pet names like baby or sweetie.

I thought she wouldn't notice but she has. I'm pregnant and we learned its a girl. My husband said we can name her Zahira and my daughter said do it so you can call me Ruhani. With all my stress I got angry and said she can't be replaced and I still hate her new name. It started an argument between us with my daughter calling me a selfish jerk for not accepting her new name.

My husband understands as he knows I hate his mother but my sons are on my daughter's side and said to post here saying people would agree I am the a$$hole. I do not like them using that word but am I?

What do you think? AITA? This is what top commenters had to say:

Agreeable-Tale9729 said:

NTA. This is rooted in trauma for you. I can’t imagine how I’d feel if my daughter named herself nearly after my abuser. Your daughter is old enough to be more understanding and considerate of the situation. Even if the name was important to her, it isn’t wrong for expect a bit or grace in the situation. Also reusing a name id already used would make me uncomfortable.

AITAcommentingaccout said:

Why exactly did your daughter hate the original name she was given? Did she get bullied a lot for having a “weird” name? Because you don’t really explain why she hated the name, and frankly haven’t made any indication to understand why she did.

Topsbloobyy said:

I’m gonna go the unpopular route and say NTA. While I don’t think your daughter is an AH for wanting a name change, but for choosing a name that causes you a o relive traumatic experiences. You stated you were fine with the name change so in my mind if you told her why that specific name bothered you before she changed it, and she chose that, that makes her an AH.

Also doesn’t make sense to want to change it if she was bullied to another foreign sounding name. This is just my mind running overtime but is there any way your MIL has means of contacting daughter? It seems like your daughter has some resentment towards you and at least from this post it doesn’t seem warranted.

And wetcherri said:

INFO: do you think your daughter chose that name on purpose BECAUSE it is so similar to your MIL's name?

Based on how spiteful and uncaring she sounds about this issue, I just can't help but wonder if she's doing it on purpose.

OP responded:

No. I cannot believe that she would do that to me.

She later shared this update:

I tried talking to my daughter about her old name and why she hated it but she gave wishy washy reasons on it never suiting her. She got angry when I asked if it was cause of bullying. I asked if she cared about my maid's sacrifice and she said she didn't and that what I went through in India did not seem bad.

I asked if she cared how similar her name is to my MIL's name, she said she didn't and it was my issue to get over and didn't want to hear any more nicknames or to use therapy as an excuse. After that, I don't know I kind of regressed mentally and started having nightmares of India. I guess I got overwhelmed by stress cause of that, being pregnant and my PhD programme.

So I visited by brother Fayez (22) in Brampton for a weekend. He lives in my property there and told me that he got a job in England. He left a few days ago and I have started the process of moving to Ontario. As my daughter goes to university here in BC, she is not going with us.

I guess it just was that if being around my own daughter was hurting me so much to the point I was scared I'd miscarry, then I needed to be gone for both of our sakes. Making arrangements to continue working for my PhD was the most stressful thing but that's done. Ever since I made the decision to move I've felt so much better and so free. I honestly can't wait to be gone from here.

I will continue to pay for my daughter's school, living expenses and her therapy but maybe by living alone she'll understand what it was like for me when it was just us after I escaped. Just maybe she'll learn everything we have is cause of that maid. I know I was wrong to spoil her and always indulge her but she's always been the light that got me home.

Part of me feels as if I am abandoning her over something as stupid as a name, but soon she will be the age I was when I had her and every girl needs to grow up and learn empathy. I have tried to be a better mother than my own, I just hope that this is what is best for her. On the other hand, my husband and boys are so excited to move to Ontario so I know we'll have a good time there.