'AITA for admitting to my son that I love his mother more than him?' 'My wife agreed.'

"AITA for admitting to my son that I love his mother more than him and telling him he's acting self centered?"

My son moved out right after graduating college last year. Since then, he’s been very preoccupied with his own life. My wife and I couldn’t be prouder of him, but we do wish he made a little more effort to keep in touch—especially since he only lives 30 minutes away.

Months would go by without hearing from him, and we were always the ones to reach out first. We never complained about it to him—until my wife's birthday. Her birthday was two days ago, and we didn’t get a call or a surprise visit. She was a little upset but chose not to confront him. I decided to call him about it—not out of anger, just as a reminder.

I said, “Hey buddy, you missed your mom’s birthday.” He immediately apologized and asked me to wish her a happy birthday on his behalf. I told him it would be nice if he could visit us soon because we miss him.

Apparently, that set him off. He told me that he has his own life to live and that we have ours. I told him I understood, but we’re still his parents and want to stay close. That’s when he bluntly said he doesn’t want a close relationship with us and that he’s frustrated we won’t leave him alone.

I asked him why, and out of nowhere, he brought up something from when he was ten years old. He said he overheard my wife and me saying that we love each other more than we love him.

I was completely confused because I don’t recall ever saying anything like that. When I asked for more context, he said we had been talking about our own parents’ marriages, and at some point, I said something along the lines of: even though I love him a lot, I love his mother the most. My wife apparently agreed with me, and that conversation has tainted his view of our relationship ever since.

I told him there was nothing wrong with what I said and that he was acting like a self-centered brat who thinks the world revolves around him. He told me to go to h%ll. When I told my wife about what happened, she said I was wrong for calling him that—even though I believe it was true.

Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:

Violetmints said:

YTA. First of all, he is as you raised him. Secondly, kids don't just suddenly decide to let go of relationships with their parents because they heard something like that. In a home with engaged, available parents, kids flip out and tell their parents they overheard something upsetting or they demand to know why they would say such a thing. They don't just keep it a secret for 20 years. Something else was going on.

It may be that you meant that you love your wife and understood that she would be your partner even when your kids grew up and moved on, but clearly you did make your child feel neglected.

If you want a relationship, calling your son a self-centered asshole isn't a great way to begin. Did it even occur to you to ask how he felt or try to clarify what you meant or express any sadness about the fact that he did not in fact feel loved?

Did you think to tell him you would like to have a better relationship? Do you even want that? It wasn't just the one thing. Other stuff happened that you're not aware of or are actively ignoring.

Slaator said:

YTA. Not for having said what you said, not for having forgotten you ever said it—not even for still feeling that way (if that's the case)—but for not being able to understand what overhearing a thing like that at the age of 10 would do to a child.

And you're sixteen different flavors of AH for not grasping that every day of your son's life SINCE then has been governed by the belief that if he and his parents were on a sinking boat and there were only two lifejackets, they would gleefully toss him overboard.

Surely you don't think a 10-year-old should have knocked on the door and asked the two of you if y'all could have an open and honest conversation about what he'd just heard??

Your son's entire life since the age of 10 has been spent believing that he never mattered, not REALLY, to the two people in his world who, under normal circumstances, would have mattered more than ANYone. And you think HE's a self-centered brat?

Embarrassed_Advice59 said:

…I mean can we blame him? He’s probably internalized that for years and then you call him spoiled because he thinks you don’t love him as much when really you should’ve said those are two different forms of love. YTA.

growsonwalls said:

YTA. You remind me of the Reagans, who were so besotted with each other that they neglected their kids. They were estranged from all their kids as a result. All you had to say was that a parents love is different and you love your son equally but in a different way. Instead, you permanently damaged your relationship with your son. Hope you're happy.

Electrical-Heron-619 said:

Yeah it’s not a competition and seems like a weird thing to feel the need to affirm to each other. Obviously horrible for a 10yo to understand and process, so unfortunate but yeah could track it turned into this if it wasn’t addressed / he never opened up about it.

Thing is all that aside, when he opened up about sth clearly pent up for many years, you didn’t give him any real chance to feel heard and move on from that pain. You doubled down - would it have been so tough to just give him space and at least apologize he overheard it? This is a chance to repair the relationship but sounds like you just pushed him farther away. YTA - but can fix it

Successful_Bath1200 said:

YTA. That conversation he overheard made him feel less than and loved less than he should have been. You reap what you sow. You should love your kids unconditionally and completely, what you said has had a life long effect on your Son and now he is giving it back. The self centred brat comment probably just ended your relationship with him.