'AITA for admitting within a group of other women that I hate being a mom?'

"AITA for admitting within a group of other women that I hate being a mom?"

I know it’s taboo but if I could go back in time I would not choose being a mom. As for why I chose to have three kids when I obviously don’t enjoy it, all I can say is that I wasn’t strong enough to resist all of the pressure. Pressure to give my mom grandkids, to give them siblings, to give a son, to do what society expects, all of it.

I guess I’m just weak. I’ve done the best that I can do. Yes I have been to therapy for this. No, it didn’t change how I felt. It just changed how I handle things. My husband is an amazing, involved Dad so this has nothing to do with any of that. But of course he gets to be the Dad in the family, and I’m the mom.

Well I was with a bunch of other moms working on back to school night things and of course everyone was venting a little. Lots of jokes. Eventually I said something to the tune of “if I could go back in time and do it all over again I wouldn’t, I’d move to NYC and do something else.” It went over like a lead balloon.

A few of the moms were quick to jump in with “but it’s all worth it in the end, isn’t it?” I said I don’t know, not really, and I feel like I’ve wasted my entire life and that I had the chance to be someone or do something and in the end all I am is a mom. Again, lead balloon. Things got awkward and a few women moved away from me. I stopped talking.

One pulled me aside as we were leaving and told me that I should be careful about what I say and that it put a damper on the evening. She said she was sorry I'm going through a rough time but it wasn’t ok to talk like that and it was something for me to talk about with a therapist.

I said ok, if I can’t be honest in this group, I just won’t come. She was quick to say “No no we still want you to help” and I said “But you want me to shut up to do it.” She didn’t say anything just made her mouth in a flat line and said to have a good night.

Well we were supposed to go finish setting something up for back to school night and I just didn’t go. They called me and asked where I was and I said since I made them so uncomfortable they could find someone else to get free labor from.

The woman who called said all I needed to do was just put on a better attitude when I’m there. I said I’m not a cheerleader, I’m not going to put on a whole song and dance just to glue some streamers to the rafters. She said I was being an ahole about this and I said thanks for the input and hung up.

I just hate all this phony fake BS and I’m sick of it. I already have to fake excitement and happiness with my kids all the time and I think I should be able to be real around other moms who get it. Well lay it on me, am I the one that’s wrong?

Here's what people had to say to OP:

molten_dragon said:

Gentle YTA. I get motherhood is hard for you and you don't enjoy it, but I do think you're in the wrong here. From the way you explained it these aren't close friends of yours. They're acquaintances.

You laid some pretty heavy stuff on them unasked-for. Venting a bit and making jokes isn't an invitation for "I wasted my life and I hate being a mom". That's the kind of thing you share with a therapist or a close friend. Not a bunch of people you don't know all that well.

And then you doubled down and refused to help any further unless they let you vent to them. It seems like you took your frustration with a situation they aren't responsible for out on them for no good reason.

keesouth said:

I'm going with YTA, not for how you feel but for not knowing there is a time and place for those types of discussions. This wasn't a mom support group or group therapy. This was a group of women, who aren't really friends, completing a task. They were having superficial conversations. You even described it as "little jokes." You made it all serious and pulled a "Debbie Downer." You have to read the room.

Interesting-Maybe-49 said:

YTA. It’s very uncomfortable when people overshare, and you were in a room with other moms who probably love being moms. My MIL feels the same way as you. She regularly says she wishes she was never a mom and wishes she never had kids.

She regrets it. She says it every time we see her, in front of my husband. She’s said it his whole life. He feels like absolute dogshit because of it. Please don’t say things like this in front of your children. It’s not their fault you hate being a mom.

terra_terror said:

YTA. Why are you telling random people that you hate having kids? Especially when these people are mothers connected to your kids' school. Go to therapy for that.

runtheroad said:

YTA - Poor kids. The internet isn't the real world, don't be surprised when you say such antisocial things in real life and people don't react kindly. People don't want to be around you because they feel absolutely terrible for your kids.

Peskypoints said:

YTA. People were joking. How is saying you would rather never have children a joke? Or that you could have been somebody? Those statements weren’t jokes, but suddenly resentment and trauma dumping. The moms suggesting it was worth it were trying to steer the conversation to more appropriate waters.

The mom that pulled you aside was trying to help you. She acknowledged your difficulties, but also didn’t think the prep meeting was the appropriate place to vent them. You decide the other parents are your enemy so you won’t follow through on your volunteer commitments.

You have a victim mentality around parenting and around your interactions with the PTA. To be clear, you aren’t the victim. There’s a time and place for a disclosure like yours. A room full of parents you don’t know, volunteering for a child-centric activity isn’t the time nor place.