Father heartbroken when adult children reject his newfound love. 'You dishonored mom's memory.' AITA?
"AITA for telling my now adult kids that I'm disappointed they judge me for remarrying after we lost their mother?"
I was a widower in my early 40s after my wife, and the mother of my two oldest children, passed away. Our kids were 12 and 13 when she passed. It was 4 years before I dated again and it took a few months to meet my now-wife. I spoke to my kids when it was happening and they appeared supportive at the time.
But as soon as I was actually married again they pulled away from me and I noticed they were closer to my dad, who has been a widower for more than 40 years now and never dated or remarried.
My adult kids (both in their 20s) have made many excuses to not see us and they met their younger brother once and never held him or interacted with him. They tell me they're too busy when I try to make plans with them but they never fail to spend time with grandpa.
I finally asked them if we could meet and talk, just the three of us and they were agreeable. We met for coffee and I asked them why they had pulled away and I directly asked if they were really not okay that I had remarried.
I told them I had believed them when they said it was okay with them to do so at the time. They asked me what they were supposed to say when I asked and I said the truth because it would have been easier to talk things through more.
They told me that when I started dating again it changed how they saw me. They thought I was loyal and actually loved their mom as much as my dad loved my mom. But I saw myself moving on while my dad never could or wanted to.
They said my decision to date after losing their mother was like the end of our family and they were closer to my dad because they admired his dedication to my mom and they realized he was the example they wanted to follow, not me.
They also said they felt I dishonored their mom by visiting her grave when I decided she wasn't special enough to be my one true love and loved someone else. I asked if they had always felt this way and they said yes.
They told me they were so disappointed in me when they realized I was thinking of dating again. I told them I was equally disappointed in them for judging me for remarrying. I told them I would always love their mom and to hear them question that and to accuse me of dishonoring her was hurtful.
They told me I had started over and even had another kid so I should just focus on that because they do not wish to be a part of the family anymore. And they told me I didn't get to be disappointed in them when I had the perfect example growing up and decided to replace their mom. They left and that was the last we spoke although it wasn't too long ago. AITA?
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
They're saying you'd be better off as a lonely widower than happy with someone else. That sounds less like loyalty and more on trying to win an award for Most Gloomy Family Dynamics.
NTA. Tell them you hope they never lose a partner young and have to face the rest of their life with nobody but ungrateful children (who would leave home as soon as possible anyway). Ask them what were you supposed to do, mourn forever, switch off your life? Your father may have chosen to do that - but it was his choice to do.
Mission_Emu_2570 (OP)
They told me my dad proved there is a way to keep living a happy life without remarrying. They had a very long explanation about the way they felt and why.
Not the A. You didn’t replace their mom you just kept living. Grief looks different for everyone, and it’s okay to find love again.
Did you ask if maybe they just don’t like the woman you decided to marry? You don’t know how she treats them when they’re alone together.
Mission_Emu_2570 (OP)
I did. It has nothing to do with her as a person and everything to do with the fact I wanted to date in the first place and then remarried and so on.
NTA. I'm a 42 year old widower myself. I don't have kids, would have liked to. Your children don't understand the position you are in and I hope they never do. Your children will never be there for you the way a wife can (and I am not just talking about the bedroom).
They would rather you be alone but never really give up their relationships for you. Unfortunately it a "me" mindset and they can't understand from your POV. I LOVE my late wife. No one will ever replace her, but that does not mean I can't love another woman.
I imagine parents do not love their children less when a new baby arrives. Love is not a pie that can be divided up, it more like a crop. You are not doing anything wrong, and hopefully your children will grow up and see that one day. You enjoy the time you have left.
NAH. I think all of you could benefit from individual and family therapy. You don’t have to be sad and alone the rest of your life.
Mission_Emu_2570 (OP)
I will consider individual therapy but I do not believe my kids will be agreeable to family therapy.
Honestly I don't know how to judge this. Remarrying is pretty normal. But losing their mom and the grief is absolutely traumatic. And some people do believe in only one spouse.
Your dad apparently did as do your kids. And it sounds like they tried to let you move on peacefully in their own way, but they felt they couldn't be a part of it themselves. I'm leaning towards NAH and it's all just a terrible situation.