'I told my husband to have his affair baby's family get the kid or I call CPS. AITA?' FINAL UPDATE
"AITA for telling my husband's affair baby's family to either come get the kid or I'm calling CPS?"
NOTE: If you've read this already, there's a new/second update towards the bottom of the post titled "hopefully final update."
My (F53) soon to be ex husband Roger (47), whom I forgave for his affair, came home with a baby four months ago. His girlfriend (22) could not handle it anymore and brought the baby to him at work and left. To the best of his knowledge she is in Spain. I allowed him to stay so long as I didn't have to do anything. Anything.
Well about a month ago Roger had a heart attack. It didn't kill him, mores the pity, but he is very weak and incapable of doing anything for himself. Since he isn't up and about he cannot care for his child. He also cannot drop of and pick up his son at daycare.
I have been helping but I'm done. My kids are full grown. I shouldn't be having grandkids any time soon. I do not have any desire to care for a baby.
I told Roger that I want a divorce, and I contacted the mother's parents. I know the father through friends. I said they had until Friday to come get their grandchild or I was calling Child Protective Services.
They just left with the baby. But they scolded me for being so cold towards a baby that had done me no harm. I view that child differently.
Roger is recovering and I will be moving out. The house is in his name but I have never contributed to it. I have the equivalent of twenty two years of rent and interest put away. And as per our prenup my savings are my own. I work and I don't need anything out of this marriage except myself.
My kids tried telling me to stay and help their father. I said that they were welcome to come over and help him with cleaning himself and the baby. Both declined what I felt was a fair offer.
I do not feel that I am acting badly however Roger, our children, his child's family, and a few mutual friends think I am. Perhaps writing this out and seeing the responses will give me clarity.
Info from OP:
I think the baby is almost a year old. The house was a premarital asset on our prenup.
I have a little over a million dollars in investments. I'll be fine. He paid for everything. I kept all my money.
And God forbid something happens I literally cannot make any decisions regarding medical care or anything .
About 2 weeks later OP came back with this update:
I am no longer divorcing roger. There were complications from his heart attack and he has passed away. I am conflicted. He was the love of my love but also a cheating piece of trash.
To the best of my knowledge the mother will not return from Europe. The child is currently with her parents. They asked me what I wanted to do. I recommended adoption. Not that I adopt the child. That they put the child up for adoption.
They didn't like that suggestion. Neither did my children. They said i am being cold and cruel. I suggested that since the child was related to them and not to me that they step up. Neither has accepted that suggestion either.
I was the sole beneficiary of Roger's estate so I imagine lawyers will be involved in getting the child some sort of support. I will pay whatever is ordered by the court out of the estate. I will not pay one cent out of my money. That is all I have to say on this matter.
Here's what people had to say to OP after the first update:
Get a paternity test before you allow of your husband’s estate to be taken.
"Let's ask our daughter's affair's estranged widow what to do with our grandchild?"
Parking_Marzipan1717 OP responded:
Crazy right?
The child is blameless. You are not. You are ripping this child’s life apart based on your feelings. Doesn’t that mean anything to you? Who cares what your deceased husband did. I think you are extremely selfish. I wish the child all the happiness in the world and I sincerely hope the child finds a good home.
Parking_Marzipan1717 OP responded:
I am as related to that child as you are. Why aren't you stepping up?
I am adopted and have adopted. I could certainly be of assistance if you need guidance on the process. Glad we're in agreement but I am confident in the knowledge that, in this particular instance, I am NTA. I truly do hope this all works out in the baby's best interest. Good luck.
Parking_Marzipan1717 OP responded:
I literally have no legal rights or obligations to this child. I cannot put the child up for adoption.
Roger's will may have omitted the child due to the child not being around when it was written. The child should inherit a portion. The child should be eligible for Social Security survivor benefits. Baby needs a lawyer, ASAP.
Parking_Marzipan1717 OP responded:
Roger's will also omitted his two adult children.
NTA. That child was not your responsibility. Yes, it was innocent but you're literally not responsible for raising it. You should have divorced Roger long ago
Parking_Marzipan1717 OP responded:
And God forbid something happens I literally cannot make any decisions regarding medical care or anything.
18 days later OP responded with this "hopefully last update":
The girl's parents finally did the right thing and cut her off. I had passed along their contact information to several dozen people who seemed eager to help. Just an email. I did not reveal their identities or even their names. I believe this pressure convinced them to act.
They finally got the clue that I would in no way take any responsibility for the child. Between her parents no longer funding her and the current climate in Spain against visitors the child's mother has returned.
I have washed my hands of the entire situation. Except for one thing.
I have spoken with the lawyers and I will be splitting some of Roger's estate into three parts for the children. My children will get theirs immediately as they are adults. The child's money will be going into a trust with his brother and sister as the trustees. This will take some doing and as such will mean more money goes to the lawyers. Perhaps Shakespeare was correct with regards to that profession.
My children are now less enthusiastic about their young sibling but that is neither here nor their. They were the ones who insisted I involve myself. If there is anything left when I pass they can split that between themselves as I will not be leaving anything to that child.
Thank you all for your help in my reaching clarity. I was letting my anger cloud my judgement and sense of fairness.
Here are some thoughts readers had after taking in this saga:
Was there ever a DNA test done to conclusively prove paternity? Before setting up the trust, it might be wise to do so.
Parking_Marzipan1717 OP responded:
Yes. I insisted on one when the child first came to live with Roger.
So the sibs wanted you to " do the right thing" to a kid that shares no blood with you, but them taking in their blood relative wasn't an option for either of them? And THEN have the gall to get mad their inheritance gets split 3 ways?
Parking_Marzipan1717 OP responded:
There was no inheritance. I was the sole beneficiary of Roger's estate. I just decided to help my children before I'm too old to watch them get any benefit from the money. And the child deserves a share. It's not his fault that his father was a philander and his mother is callow.
Lol it's amazing how OP kids want her to do the right thing but only when it doesn't affect them.they find out that they will lose a cut of their fathers inheritance they are acting like they wish their new sibling didn't exist.
You've handled this superbly. Congrats. Here's to a beautiful new beginnings to you...🥂