Red flags surface over wife's relationship with ex-coworker; she says 'it's none of your business.' AITA?
"AITA for not trusting my wife's ex coworker?"
FireUbiParis
I (32M) have been married to my wife (36M) going on 9 years. Recently we have had a fight over one of her former coworkers we can call him Matt. Matt and my wife hadn't been working together for a long time, maybe a couple months at most.
I noticed some behavior that had me suspicious and feeling disrespected. My wife began constantly talking about Matt, it was every sentence from her was in some relation to Matt. Matt this and Matt that. It eventually got to the point I asked her if she could speak about him less as it was becoming annoying that every conversation had to do with him.
A few weeks later my wife tells me that she is going to have a girl's night out with her female coworkers. I think that's cool that she is going to have fun with them. She states they'll be going to an audition for one coworker and then hit the bars.
All good I believe, and then guess who is going to also come to this all female event? Matt. I found it odd that an all female get together would involve a male. Just to preface, Matt is straight.
Matt invited my wife and son to a trampoline place. So I took the opportunity to invite myself to meet the guy who my wife constantly talks about and invites/tags along with everything she does. We get to the place and spend 2 hours there.
Matt has spoken to me 0 times outside of introductions and won't acknowledge I exist. I am quite an intimidating person so it can be difficult to approach me and engage with.
That being said if I were Matt and had the opportunity to speak with a women's husband that I'm constantly talking to and inviting her places, I would absolutely get to know him. This gave me another red flag about the guy.
Time goes by and my wife is talking about Matt zero but still texting him all the time. One Saturday after our son's gymnastics class we get home and my wife exclaims "well there goes my convertible ride."
I am confused and ask about what she just said. She tells me Matt bought a new convertible and was going to leave as soon as we got home to go ride around with him.
This gives me another red flag as why wasn't brought up before. I believe everyone can do as they want and don't need permission to do the things they want but I do think giving your partner a heads up prior to things is important.
My wife starts telling me that Matt has xyz gifts for our son. I find it odd that another man is buying gifts for my son when it is neither holidays nor his birthday. This gives me a yellow flag at the very least about what this guy is doing.
Now here's the kicker that relates to him not speaking to me. When I would pick my wife from work, my son would be with me. Matt would deliberately walk in front of my car and a couple spaces down before returning by going around the back of my car and only speak with my son.
I found this extremely disrespectful as he went out of his way to not acknowledge or speak to me and would sneakily try to speak to my son and wife. Matt decided he would invited my wife and other women to a rave. Nothing wrong with dancing.
The issues arises that he did not invite any males to go nor did he invite any romantic partners of the women. I told my wife that I would like to go and she told Matt. He canceled the plans.
This is another huge red flag that he would invite women to a rave and cancel when a romantic partner decides they are going to go. He tried to shift blame onto me by saying he couldn't buy the tickets because I hadn't made up my mind even though I said I was going.
After all of this, I decided that Matt is not a good guy and that he is trying to weasel his way into my marriage. There is just way too much that I am seeing that I can't ignore.
Finally we get to what has caused a huge fight between my wife and I which is a stupid package. My wife ordered something and I being curious asked what it was. She tells me "none of your business."
This brings up a red flag, then I ask who it's for, and again I get the same response. So eventually I pick up the package and ask my wife what is it and again it's none of your business.
I get angry because of all this Matt stuff and yell "why are you being so secretive?" She yells at me saying it's a gift for fathers day and wanted it to be a surprise. Yes, I did think it was a gift for Matt.
So now my wife doesn't feel like I trust her even though, it's not her that I don't trust. Now she is not speaking with me. I find it ridiculous that we are having a fight over a random ex coworker that should mean absolutely nothing to our relationship. Yet here we are.
You would think after almost 9 years of marriage that some nobody wouldn't be able to cause this amount of friction. Am I overreacting in thinking Matt is up to no good? Am I overreacting that Matt could be trying to weasel his way in? Am I overreacting that my wife is being blind to everything that Matt has tried? Thank you to everyone for your replies and thoughts.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
soxfan10
No. Not overreacting. Your wife is being extremely childish. This is exhausting to read. You bring up fair points. Have you communicated this to her prior to her blowing up about a Father’s Day gift? Which, I’ll be honest, I don’t quite buy. Why would she say, “none of your business” to a gift ordered.
HilMickaelson
Are you sure that you're the father of that child? I think you should consider a DNA test. It seems that your wife is having an affair with that guy and that he might be the father of the child.
Or your wife is bringing that guy into your child's life because she is already working on her exit plan and will try to isolate you from your child and make your child be closer to him. My suggestion: check bank statements, get a PI, and get a DNA test.
EngineeringOk1885
You are not over reacting. This has all the signs of a guy who wants to get with your wife.
FalseAd4246
If she’s not already cheating, she’s strongly considering it. I would have laid down the law as soon as he started buying gifts for your son.
Double_Ad_101
The problem is not that Matt wants to get with your wife, the problem is that your wife wants to get with Matt.
rocketmn69_
Your wife is emotionally cheating at the very least. Don't engage with her about Matt, just keep a close eye on her. Matt canceled because it was just the 2 of them. The next time that they have "group" plans tell her to have fun and you're going to your parents with the baby.
Drop the baby with parents abd borrow their car, then go sit down the street and follow her. If she is cheating, take photos, get evidence. Go on her phone and get their texts.
Bide your time. Find a new place to live. When she plans a "work" weekend away, encourage her to go, while she's gone, move all your stuff out and leave the divorce papers and a copy of the evidence for her.
See if you actually get a gift for Father's Day that us about the size of that package. Check the garbage later for the original wrapper. If it isn't there, then it went to Matt. I would go see a lawyer and know your rights. Open up a new bank account in a different bank and start saving money there. You might need it.
Whenever you see Matt, go out of your way to talk to him loudly, slap him on the back and say that (one of wife's co-workers) is on to him. Does your wife's work have an anti-fraternization policy? Update us.