Woman faces backlash for emotional reaction to sister’s poorly timed pregnancy announcement. AITA?
"AIO that my sister announced her pregnancy during my ectopic miscarriage and then called me selfish for being sad about it?"
Just looking for a gauge of how others might feel in this situation. A summary of what happened: my wife and I have been trying to conceive via IUI for half a year. Got a positive pregnancy test (our first) at 18 days post-ovulation, just after Thanksgiving.
We were over the moon, stayed up all night together envisioning the future, planning how we'd tell our families at Christmas, etc. My first HCG (pregnancy hormone) was a bit low (worrying, devastating), but then the next three all doubled, which my doctor said was really promising.
We returned to feeling hopeful/optimistic and decided we were "normal pregnant." At 5w5d, I starting having intense cramping and pain near my left ovary. Over the next few days, the pain became excruciating.
I went in for an emergency ultrasound, and they couldn't find the sac in my uterus. We were devastated. The pain continued. Unbearable pain. I was prescribed oxycodone.
Three days later, an ultrasound found the embryo attached to my ovary. I got methotrexate (chemotherapy drug to kill the embryo) at 6w5d. I felt numbed by the loss. My wife and I then went to my family's Christmas. One week together at the cabin.
We put on happy faces as best we could so as not to bring down the festive mood. The day after Christmas, I learned I wouldn't need a second methotrexate shot because my HCG levels had dropped by enough of a percentage that one was likely to do the trick. We were so relieved, because the first shot had made me feel so crappy.
My sister, with whom I have a close relationship, was also trying to to conceive with her husband for their first child. I kept her apprised of every detail of my experience from the first HCG level onward. She was nothing but loving and supportive during the nightmare my wife and I were going through.
Three days after Christmas (7w4d), at a restaurant with my entire family present where everyone knew of the hell my wife and I had been going through, my sister and her husband announced that my sister was seven weeks pregnant.
My wife and I had the same immediate emotional reaction of out of body grief and shock and hurt. I immediately began to cry quietly. Other people excitedly began to ask my sister and her husband questions about how far along they were, etc. Then my wife suggested we step outside to gather ourselves. We cried together for five minutes. We were both trembling with hurt at being so blindsided.
We returned to the restaurant and, while crying, I explained to my sister that I was so happy for her that she was pregnant, but that her telling us in that way made me feel incredibly sad for what we're going through, as I'm still technically pregnant, I'm in the middle of a miscarriage, etc. and apologized for the crying.
My wife told my sister that the timing may have been a misjudgment. My sister appeared furious at my wife for saying this. We endured the rest of the dinner in agony. I felt like I was receding into myself. I was in shock at the insensitivity of my sister and her husband.
Upon returning to where my family was staying, everyone in my family was chatting as if nothing had happened. My wife and I were in a daze. We felt overwhelmed with hurt. Our plan was to return home early the next morning.
My sister then approached me in the bathroom and said she was so hurt by our reaction, that she could never get that moment back, that we ruined it for her, and that we selfishly made it all about us.
I expressed that I was hurt by her announcing her pregnancy while I was still physically experiencing a miscarriage. I said I was happy she was pregnant but that it felt so inconsiderate for her to not at least tell me before announcing her pregnancy in a public group setting.
She said she had considered our situation, and that she honestly thought I wouldn't react that way. She also said she asked her best friend for advice, and her best friend said that if I really loved her, I'd only be happy for her. The conversation ended.
We left the next morning. It has been two days, and I have not communicated with my sister, nor has she communicated with me. I am on my 12th day of bleeding, and my OB says once my HCG levels are 0, the bleeding will stop. I think the next step is to see if my tube was damaged, and wait three months before trying again (due to the methotrexate).
Am I overreacting? What would you do in this situation? It feels horrible for me to not be supporting my sister in her first pregnancy, but my wife and I are so hurt my her lack of empathy to our situation.
My instinct is to try to have a group therapy session with either my sister and I or with my sister, her husband, and my wife and I. I feel for her that her special moment was indeed ruined by our reaction, and I feel sorry for that. But I also feel that she has all the information to make it so that hadn't happened. Send help 🙏🏼
EDIT: 1. My family all lives in the same metro area and we get together frequently. 2. I told no one but my sister about the pregnancy until we learned it was an ectopic miscarriage, and then I told my immediate family only as we were about to spend a week together in close quarters. 3. It's not really the news of the pregnancy that hurt me, but the way my sister decided to tell us about it.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
You're not overreacting. I mean, who TF announces at 7 weeks? If I was to be charitable, I'd suggest she was trying to raise people's spirits but handled it badly. I'm not sure I've got the words for my uncharitable version. So sorry for you guys. Hope you feel (physically) better soon. Mentally might take a while but you'll get there.
Your sister was extremely insensitive by announcing her pregnancy at this moment. She was only thinking about herself. I have had two miscarriages myself and I know that pain, I am so so sorry for your loss. It’s a club no woman wants to be in.
I’m sorry she couldn’t see how in the wrong she was. Your reaction was normal, visceral, real. There’s no reason for her to be upset when she was wrong in the first place for not reading the room! She could have waited a few weeks if not months. Take plenty of time to rest and recover, your body has been through a lot.
She was incredibly insensitive, and careless. If she was hell bent on announcing knowing you were still in the midst of a loss, she should have ran it by you first and not blindsided you in public. But she didn’t because she was being selfish. She was totally in the wrong. She didn’t have to announce, and put her needs above yours.
Don't let your own grief cloudy the news of another's happiness. Not everything happens at the perfect, most appropriate time for everyone. You can be both happy for your sister and sad for yourself at the same time.
I mean, why did you both have to go into the restaurant and say you’re disappointed in how she said the news? Just excuse yourself and say that while you’re happy for her, you're both going through grief still and want to depart from the dinner so that they can celebrate.
She may have made a misjudgment in how she announced it, but you did ruin it for her. I don’t agree with how she handled it, or announced it (especially so early) but I also don’t agree with how you and your wife responded.