'AITA for agreeing to babysit for my friend without asking my partner first?'

"AITA for agreeing to babysit for my friend without asking my partner first?"

I have a friend (21 F) who is a single mom to a 1.5-year-old toddler, and she’s started taking night classes to get her degree this semester. She has classes on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. Originally, her mom had agreed to watch her child while she was in class, but her mom's work schedule changed, and she can no longer watch her on Fridays.

I work as a nurse with fluctuating hours, but I am always off on Fridays, so when my friend mentioned this to me a few weeks ago, I quickly told her I would gladly watch him for a few hours while she was in class. My boyfriend, Nick, is a SAHD to our 1-year-old. On Fridays, I take over the majority of the childcare.

I watch our son for the most part by myself while Nick plays video games or does some shopping, etc. It’s essentially his “off day.” When I told Nick I had agreed to watch my friend's baby on Friday, I didn’t think it was a big deal since I’m already doing the childcare on Fridays and don’t expect my partner to help out, but he was upset that I agreed to this.

He said I should have discussed it with him beforehand. I told him it didn’t matter since I’d be watching the kids by myself. This week was the first week I had both kids, and it wasn’t too bad at all. My friend's toddler was only there for three hours.

Nick was in his gaming room the entire time, and when my friend came to pick up her baby, he was very standoffish with her, throwing shots like, “I’m glad you came so early!” After they left, I told him he didn’t need to be rude to her, and I watched the kids without his help, so he shouldn’t be acting this way. He’s still being distant about the whole thing.

The internet had a lot of comments and questions to share.

antizana wrote:

Info - what was his specific objection? You not getting enough quality time with your own child, or not able to catch up on housework or other tasks because of having two kids, him not liking a change in routine, cutting into family time...? Do you normally volunteer to help people at your own (or his) expense?

Do you otherwise complain about not having enough free time, that he would think it’s a favor too much…? Just spitballing Personally I think making a standing arrangement with your friend warrants some discussion with your partner beforehand, but barring other reasons I don’t see why he should have a problem with it.

OP responded:

His main thing is not discussing with him beforehand. I asked him if he would have said no if I did ask and he just says "that's not the point." and keeps going about we're equals, so we should make these decisions together, etc.

Arch_fireheart wrote:

I disagreed with both of you, the way you both handled this situation was really immature. Tbh It feels like everybody in this story is genuinely too young to be having children, let alone adult.

You and your partner live together, share a child together, isn’t that a clue enough that you need to communicate with your partner before making any type of commitment? I get that your heart was in the right place. You wanted to help out a friend who needed it but before readily agreeing, you also have to remember you’re not single, you’re not someone without their own responsibilities.

You have other people depending on you. So upon finding out that your friend needed help, you should’ve gone to your partner and have a conversation and go from there. Now as for your partner he has the right to feel a type of way, I get that.

But he’s wrong as well because there was no reason to have that kind of attitude and behave so rudely to your friend when you were the one who accepted to watch the child. Both of you need to grow up and do better, because little things like this could’ve been avoided by just having better communication. So i guess ESH except for your friend.

unique-assumption619 wrote:

Yeah, YTA. You made a long commitment, not a one-time favor, to bring someone else’s kid into your home every week, so sweet of you to offer, but absolutely something you should run by your partner. This is just common courtesy when living with someone else.

If you had a regular roommate, I think everyone would say it’s incredibly rude to agree to babysit for the future, without even mentioning it to them first. You’re sharing your living space, you need to be considerate of everyone in it.

Plus, how does your kid feel to share his mom now on Fridays? The first week went well, but what happens is the friends kid throws a tantrum? Your partner has to step in on his “me-time."

ukeleleintherain wrote:

YTA because 16 weeks is a long term commitment and should be discussed with your partner.

Especially when you live together and you are bringing a friend’s kid into your home.

According_Prior_3764 wrote:

Because it’s a longer commitment vs a 1 or 2 time thing, YTA. This isn’t just about you doing the childcare that day anyway, you’re cutting into the limited time you spend with your own child. Do you never have family plans or date nights on Fridays?

You unilaterally made a decision to change your family’s routine for the next few months without giving your husband a chance to voice any concerns he may have. I would be pretty upset with my partner if I was in this situation.

houseonpost wrote:

YTA: You are writing cheques that he has to pay for. There is a stranger in his house for at least 3 hours every Friday night when he wants to chill with his family.

There will be no spontaneous outings together, no inviting people over, no going to other people's places. It doesn't matter if it rarely happens, now it will never happen. And you will be tired after looking after an extra kid. And he will feel obligated to help out and if he doesn't help he will feel like a jerk.

The real question is why didn't you say to your friend that you'd need to discuss this with your partner first? He probably would have said yes, but then he'd be on board and it would be a joint decision. You didn't even consider his wishes for his own house. It's like you aren't even thinking about him at all. That's the real reason he is upset.