'AITA for agreeing to take custody of my siblings from their dad when he asked me if I'd raise them since I'm fine taking his wife's role?'
"AITA for agreeing to take custody of my siblings from their dad when he asked me if I'd raise them since I'm fine taking his wife's role?"
My mom died 4 years ago. I (20f) was 16 at the time. My younger siblings were 7, 8 and 10 at the time. We have different dads and mine was never in my life so I went to live with our shared grandparents and they went to live with their dad and his wife.
My siblings and I still saw each other and called and texted daily. Their dad wasn't that cool with it and he did try to interfere but our grandparents said they would get the courts involved to allow access if they needed to.
My siblings come to me for stuff. My sisters for the girl stuff and my brother just in general. Honestly I did a lot of the emotional mom stuff, like talking about periods with my sisters and even sex and contraception and consent.
They both came to me when their periods started and I gave them period products and helped them find the right ones. When they're sick I'm the first person they tell. Like I'll wake up to a text or get one when I'm getting ready and they want to see me. They ask my advice on extra curricular's and school and even with homework.
Their dad hates it because he and his wife wanted her to fill the mother figure role for them. He told me before I needed to step back and let her do it and I told him they didn't need to go to her when they had me and grandma.
He said his wife deserved a shot to help them through that and when I step in to help every time they don't even look to her. We argued and I never saw that as my problem. She's just his wife after all and mom can't be replaced.
But he thought she could be. He even said they'd never agree to being adopted by his wife if she couldn't take over more of a motherly role. I even asked him why he'd think I'd want that and I said I knew he'd try to use that to cut the rest of us out of their lives. He didn't deny it.
He actually said nobody is irreplaceable and if I loved my siblings I'd want them to have a new mom. My siblings have complained endlessly to me and different family member's about their dad's wife and how she and their dad try to act like she's their new mom and how they don't like us or talk about mom or reminders that they already have a mom.
Apparently their dad and his wife have a special hatred for me and it's not hidden at that house. Their dad confronted me on all this stuff again and he said if I won't let his wife be their new mom was I going to take over raising them and I said yes, I'd take custody of them and my grandparents and I would be happy to have them with us.
I told him they are my family after all and I would do everything to give them a good life. He didn't expect my answer and he became more irritated and asked me if I was serious. I said yeah.
I told him I had even looked into it in case any of them asked me to fight for them and I had made sure I'd be secure enough to make it work. He went off on me and I just walked away from him because I didn't see why I needed to let him basically scream in my face.
He said I had some nerve and I was supposed to realize the best place for them is with two parents which he and his wife can give them and then he threatened to stop all contact between us.
I told him the threat my grandparents made still stood and if he ever tried that his kids would never forgive him and then he'd lose them forever. It pissed him off even more. I'm ignoring all contact from him right now because he just wants to scream at me via text about how wrong it was to say I'd take custody. AITA for saying that?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP’s post:
NTA. My guy really thought he was hitting you with a “gotcha!” moment, and instead, you hit him with a full-on legal battle plan. ? The fact that he got even more mad when you said you’d take custody just proves that this was never about what’s best for your siblings—it’s about his ego and forcing his wife into a role they don’t want her in.
Honestly, you’re stepping up in a way that a lot of people wouldn’t, and your siblings clearly see you as their safe space. He can stay mad, but the reality is, love isn’t something you can force, and respect is earned, not demanded. If he actually cared about their happiness, he’d listen instead of throwing tantrums.
He’s mad because he realizes she's right, and his own children don’t want what he’s forcing on them. She is not the problem, he is.
NTA. You're a great person and sister. Don't talk to him anymore unless it's over text, so you can have proof.
Popular-Let903 (OP)
Oh trust me I'll do my best. He's not someone I ever want to talk to really.
NTA. It's really upsetting that he's so threatened by your bond with your siblings and that he almost wants to erase their mom’s existence. You're an amazing big sister and your siblings are lucky to have you.
Popular-Let903 (OP)
I do everything to be there for them. I love them and I know mom would want us to stay as close as ever.
NTA. Your siblings clearly see you as their safe space, and instead of respecting that, their dad is trying to force a “replacement mom” on them. You didn’t take anything from he, she failed to build that trust on her own. The fact that he immediately resorted to threats instead of reflecting on why his kids don’t feel comfortable with his wife says everything.