'AITA for agreeing with my mom that it’s kind of pathetic my wife can’t cook?'

"AITA for agreeing with my mom that it’s kind of pathetic my wife can’t cook?"

I (28M) have been married to my wife (31F) for about a year. Overall, things are great, but one thing that’s been bugging me is that my wife doesn’t know how to cook—at all. I’ve always been the one to handle meals, which I was fine with in the beginning because I enjoy cooking.

But over time, it’s started to wear on me, especially when I come home after a long day at work and still have to cook dinner while she relaxes. She refuses to cook and claims there is nothing wrong with not being able to cook. It’s been an ongoing issue between us. I have been trying to teach her but she is really bad at it. Many conversation about this.

The other night, my mom (56F) came over for dinner. As usual, I was in the kitchen preparing everything, and my wife was sitting with my mom. At one point, my mom offered to help, and I asked if she could make the gravy or cut some fruit. My wife was standing around in the kitchen when my mom handed her a knife and asked her to cut some fruit while she handled the gravy.

My wife couldn’t figure out how to hold it properly and ended up making a mess. My mom watched her fail to cut the fruit and then blurted out, “It’s honestly kind of pathetic that you don’t even know how to cut a piece of fruit at your age.” She then went behind her and started to guide her how to cut stuff like you do with a kid.

My wife kinda shrugged and finished cutting her fruit with my mom guiding her Dinner happens and I noticed my wife was not happy the whole night. My mom left and she was pissed I didn’t defend her. That I embarrassed her by letting it happen. We got into a bad argument and I told her that it is pathetic she can not even cut fruit. She is literally older than me and can’t hold a knife properly.

She told me that is not the point and I needed to defend her and it’s not her fault she is bad at cooking. I point out it is, and she is embarrassed because not being able to hold a knife properly is embarrassing for an adult. My wife thinks I am a huge jerk.

Not long after posting, OP shared a small update.

Edit: So update: I definitely think this is weaponized incompetence, I will suggest marriage counseling and cooking classes. If things don't change I will be out. I will make this very clear. Also for those asking, it was strawberries. She was smushing them and cutting them with the stems still on.

The internet did not hold back one bit.

Tdluxon wrote:

INFO- Does she do the dishes/help cleanup? I don't think it really matters which partner does the cooking necessarily as long as the other is helping and the standard deal that almost everyone seems to follow is that if one person cooks, the other person cleans up.

In my house, my wife usually cooks and I usually clean, which is fine because she enjoys cooking and is good (I'm OK, I can cook but she's definitely better).

My mom and stepfather though are essentially the opposite.. she got home from work late usually and isn't a great cook anyways, so he cooks and she does the dishes. And yes, it is kinda pathetic that she can't even use a knife. Even if you aren't a good cook, you should at least be able to figure out how to hold a knife, that's just silly.

OP responded:

No, not really. I usally clean as a cook so not much to do and I don’t really count putting your dish in the dishwasher to be much

Edit: you seem to be the top comment can you add a judgment to your info.

wombatlikesgrass wrote:

NTA. Your wife should at least know how to cut fruit and some basic dishes. She seems lazy by not even trying or asking how to go about things if she really doesn't know. I understand your frustration and your mom's as well, but maybe you should try to have an honest conversation about it (again). There's clearly an imbalance and that shouldn't be the case.

OP responded:

She literally f--ked up mac and cheese, like the box stuff I can’t tell if she is doing it on purpose or something I can’t live like this. I can’t take on all the food for the rest of my life

Holidays will suck, we are suppose to host Thanksgiving….

Crimson_Knight004 wrote:

ESH. Your mom shouldn’t have called her pathetic, and I can see why your wife would be hurt that you didn’t say anything to defend her. You shouldn’t have called her pathetic either. That isn’t constructive and will only make her feel hurt and defensive.

It isn’t fair for her to expect you to do all the cooking, and needs to make a reasonable effort to learn. Especially something as basic as holding a knife. Did she not have a parent who could teach her? It might not necessarily be her fault that she never learned when she was young, but she does need to be open to learning more now so it doesn’t all fall to you.

As an adult, she’s the only one responsible now for her gaps in knowledge and has ample resources to fill them. At this point, it’s weaponized incompetence on her part since she refuses to even try. Insulting someone is the best way to kill their want to learn. If you and your mom make this a negative experience for her, she will not want to learn.

You need to sit down and have an adult conversation with her, that cooking everything has been too much on you, and you’d like to bond with her through helping her learn to cook. Maybe you could even get one of those subscription boxes like HelloFresh once a week, an easy meal with all of the ingredients and recipe to follow, and you two can make a couple’s night out of it?

thehellcat wrote:

NTA.

These comments are wild. Every adult should know basic cooking skills in order to feed themselves, such as using a knife safely to cut fruit. She had this coming to her one way or another, honestly.

arrrghb wrote:

ESH. Your mom's comments are rude and sh--ty. Your wife's lack of interest in learning the bare minimum is sh--ty. Letting your mom insult your wife to her face is sh--ty. I don't care how true it is, I would never let my parent say something like that to my partner.

LowAct4200 wrote:

ESH. Your Mother: The comment was unnecessary. "Here dear, let me show you how to do it so you don't get messy." isn't hard to say. Thinking its pathetic a 30-year-old can't even cut fruit is reasonable but no need to be rude in her home.

Your Wife: While not many people can be innovative cooks...EVERYONE can learn to cook. Recipes abound with instructions online. Your wife just has no desire to upset the status quo.

You: You should have defended your wife, even if true what your Mom said was rude and uncalled for. Even if you agree with it disrespect of your wife should not stand in your own home. Also, I assume you two were together at least a couple of years before marriage. It takes a lot of effort to be so unobservant you didn't know your future spouse didn't/couldn't cook.