'AITA for agreeing that I'd pick my mentally ill mom over my healthy stepmother who raised me?'

"AITA for agreeing that I'd pick my mentally ill mom over my healthy stepmother who raised me?"

My parents separated when I was a baby and shared custody of me until I (17f) was 4. My mom was mentally ill and too unstable to be a custodial parent.

So at four, he got full custody of me and my mom had supervised visits with me four times a month. When I was 5 my dad met my stepmother. They got married fast (within 6 months) and I was told by both of them that she was my mom now and I was to address her as that from now on.

When I said I already have a mom, my stepmother told me she was crazy and dangerous and I wasn't to talk about her like that anymore and I had to use my mom's first name because I had a new mom now. I was punished for not complying and whenever I had a good visit with my mom I was berated for being so happy about "seeing that woman."

I got into trouble all the time for homework and assignments I brought home from school if there was any writing about my mom. Because they'd know from reading what I wrote that I was talking about my mom and not my stepmother.

It got worse when my dad and stepmother had kids together. They would get mad at me for being such a bad influence and for not showing the proper respect to my stepmother in front of her children. My grandparents, aunt and uncle on dad's side spoke up for me. They argued with my dad and stepmother over how I was treated and how wrong it was to punish me for loving my mom.

My stepmother argued that it was for my best interest and that it was also crazy to expect her to tolerate being called by her name when my mom was on s--cide attempt number five and had been hospitalized for the tenth time in a few short years and wasn't even stable enough to raise me.

She said that stuff about my mom in front of me which made the fight worse and my grandparents were extra pissed about that.

Whenever my extended family get cut off I feel worse because I don't have trusted adults to rely on. My dad and stepmother cut all access to my mom's side of the family and since she's still alive but just sick they can't get rights to me and I don't remember how to contact them. I was too young the last time.

I hate the two of them. I'll always hate them. My grandparents offered to take me off their hands a few times but my dad always said no and my stepmother would say I don't get to leave the house until I show her the respect and appreciation she deserves for being the mom who stepped up when my mom refused to get off the crazy train.

There was a dinner a few nights ago for one of my half siblings birthdays, with both their families. So I got to see my extended family.

I came up in conversation and my stepmother and her family were saying how disrespectful I am and how awful it is that I chase after a deadbeat over my true mother. My dad's side defended me and said she hadn't earned any respect with the way she spoke to me and about mom in front of me. Then someone on her side said I would pick my mentally ill mom over her and that's wrong.

I said yes, I would, and I'd do it again and again and again. I said I didn't feel bad about it either. A fight broke out at the table and my grandparents have somehow stopped me from getting everything taken away and a hugely strict punishment. But my dad and stepmother won't shut up about awful I am for saying that. AITA?

The internet did not hold back one bit.

Pixatron32 wrote:

Absolutely NTA, you're also 17 and old enough to choose where you want to live. You can live with your grandparents, and I highly recommend you do this.

For your own mental health, and to be emotionally safe in a place where you are loved and supported. I am so very sorry you've experienced this, but I'm glad your grandparents and uncle have defended you.

Your step mother is controlling and ridiculous. Your father is unfortunately weak and should never have allowed this controlling, punishment, and some kind of bizarre white washing of your mother and your extended family so much so mentioning your mother in school work got you punished?! Please, move out and stay with your grandparents.

CelebrationNext3003 wrote:

NTA. Clearly, your stepmom is on the crazy train and very delusional , maybe someone needs to check her into the hospital. You love your mom and you understand she has an illness and that’s okay, I hope once you’re 18 you can get as far away from them as possible.

PinkHaligonian wrote:

I always read these stories and think when the OP turns 18 and leaves the house the first thing should be to blast the family on socials. Make it so everyone knows how horrible they are.

FitzDesign wrote:

They tried to force you to replace your mom and that was wrong. What they should have done was to provide you with a loving and supportive home and they didn’t. It’s okay for you to love your mom. Yes she has issues but she’s still your mom. They can’t force you to love someone and this is where your dad and stepmom screwed up.

You be you and if your parents don’t like it too bad. It’s pretty obvious that they don’t support you so you should start making plans to leave when you are 18. Can you go live with your grandparents when you turn 18? Will another in-law support you? Whatever you do don’t let your dad or your step mom hear about your plans.

NaturesVividPictures wrote:

NTA. Well I hope your birthday is coming up soon cuz you're 18 you can walk out that door and go live with your grandparents assuming they'll take you. As long as you can still get to school if you're still in school at that point do it. School doesn't have to know you move to your last year of school.

You could let them know I don't think they're going to stop or not allow you to go it's just if you're out of the county or out of the area usually schools make you pay tuition but that's a small price to pay to get away from ab-se.

Jewel_Angell wrote:

NTA. You have every right to choose the relationships that feel true to you. Your stepmother’s attempts to guilt you into dismissing your feelings are unfair, especially given how she’s treated you. Trust your own experiences and feelings.

KLG999 wrote:

You are absolutely NTA. Your father and stepmother have ab*sed you for 12 years and counting. Get out of that house as soon as you can. Maybe the sane people in your dad’s side of the family can help you. Maybe even reconnect to your mom’s side.

No_Cockroach4248 wrote:

NTA, I am sorry this is happening. Your stepmother is not healthy, she has a severe lack of empathy and is ab*sive and controlling. Your dad is just as bad enabling her.

Ask your grandparents if you can move in with them once you turn 18.

Your grandparents, aunt and uncle might know how to or be able to help you contact your mom’s family. Your mom has mental health issues, she did not willing abandon you. Your stepmother was extremely cruel to make fun of your mom’s mental health challenges.