'AITA for allowing our daughter to buy my ex-husband’s family Christmas gifts?'

"AITAH for allowing our daughter to buy my ex-husband’s family Christmas gifts?"

Context and full disclosure - my ex husband and I have been divorced for nearly 10 years. He was physically ab-sive, I cheated. We were both AHs in that relationship. We have a daughter together but divorced when she was very young. Our daughter lives primarily with me - he sees her every other weekend.

Since then I’m (very very happily) remarried and my husband is a fantastic step dad. We’ve been together 8 years, married for 3.

Ex-husband has been through a few relationships. His newest girlfriend he’s been with for a couple months - and she has a daughter much younger than ours.

Our daughter is at an age where she wants to be independent and do some things herself. This year she wanted to get Christmas gifts for everyone (including all of my ex’s family, and my new husband’s family). Obviously she doesn’t have her own money - so I transferred a set amount to her child’s debit card and we went shopping together.

I mostly just steered her away from choosing gifts that were too expensive. She chose things that were less than 10 dollars. She picked out all of the gifts - I wrapped them when we got home. They were things like hand cream sets, small Lego and duplo sets, socks, hats… pretty generic Christmas gifts.

Along with her aunts and uncles, she wanted to get my ex’s new girlfriend and her daughter gifts as well.

When I let my ex know by text that we would have a bag of gifts for everyone when he picks up our daughter for Christmas.

I got called weird for picking out gifts on behalf of his girlfriend and that I should have told our daughter he would do that for her (but he hadn’t and hadn’t told me he would, and isn’t picking her up until after Christmas.) I’m not going to tell my daughter any of this. I’ll just send her with the bag of gifts. AITAH for letting her pick things out or should I have left it up to my ex to handle?

The internet had plenty of thoughts to share.

molesMOLESEVERYWHERE wrote:

NTA, you are the primary parent and it was your money. He could have done this over the phone or computer if he wanted or made the time to do it in person. He still can as well as paying for it out of his own money. He was physically ab-sive, I cheated. We were both AHs in that relationship.

Our daughter is at an age where she wants to be independent and do some things herself. But yo, WTF? Physically ab-sing you was worse than you cheating on your piece of s--t ex husband. But she still stays with him every other weekend?? She is long overdue knowing why her parents are divorced and the current bulls--t he is doing.

OP responded:

Unfortunately she does know. He was ab-sive toward his last girlfriend as well and she was there for some of it. For a while social services were involved and - although visitations didn’t stop - when she was with him I had to be available to go get her if he felt like he was losing control.

This is the first relationship he’s had since then - for a few years. So it’s kind of a waiting game to see if he does it again.

He’s never been physically ab-sive toward our daughter. Thankfully.

CosmicBabe77x wrote:

Honestly, if your ex thinks you’re weird for letting your daughter spread some holiday cheer, he might just be jealous that you’ve got the holiday spirit and he’s stuck with a lump of coal! 🎄✨

Cassiamist wrote:

NTA. You're encouraging your daughter's independence and kindness by letting her choose gifts for everyone important in her life. That’s super supportive parenting, and it sounds like you’re making the holiday spirit really inclusive and positive for her! Your ex should probably just appreciate the gesture instead of making it awkward.

SpiceyPuppet wrote:

I think it is super sweet of your daughter do that. I dont think you are the ahole in this. I believe he should be happy his daughter wants to pick out gifts for everyone including his new gf and her daughter.

Hopefully his gf likes that your daughter wanted to give her a gift that she chose out, I think that is really special. (Edit) And if it really means that much to him he can take her to pick out a gift too, I dont see the problem here I think he is just being a butt.

Illustrious_Bird9234 wrote:

NTA he can buy his gf and her daughter two sets of gifts if HE pleases but I would frame it exactly how it is: “She went Christmas shopping with me and had a givers heart and wanted to pick everything out for everyone including your gf and her daughter you think you’d be happy with a daughter so thoughtful, kind and inclusive."

"But if it’s really such an issue you’re more than free to take her to get a second set of gifts for them. I’m sorry helping our daughter with gifts for me or my partner is an outrageous concept to you but it’s not in my house.”

Alfred-Register7379 wrote:

NTA. He always has to say something to control the narrative. "It wasn't something nice, it was something weird." Don't give him a heads up next time. If there is a next time. He could probably ruin it for them, for good, depending on what he says. Doubt he has any bright ideas, just piggyback's off of yours. He would have never thought of doing this.

Europesusan wrote:

NTA. Your daughter wanted to gift the family something and has learned a lesson about the effort behind Christmas, how to budget, finding affordable gifts to bring joy.

Your ex would have put her name on a card without showing her everything else.