'AITA for being angry with my girlfriend because she broke a rule I have?' MAJOR UPDATE

"AITA for being angry with my girlfriend because she broke a rule I have?"

I'm 22M and my girlfriend is 24F. I will just get into it. When I was 19, I was dosed. I have only the bleariest memory from that weekend. Ever since then, I rarely drink and I don't drink to get wasted. Booze just gets in the way of my regimen anyway but I have been drunk a few times since then. My girlfriend knows my story and my feelings around drinking.

I told her, physical intimacy is off the table if I'm drunk and she's sober, or when she's drunk and I'm sober. I do MMA and I'm currently recovering from an injury. I was prescribed narcotics for it but I don't want to take them due to dependency issues in my family history that make me overly-cautious.

On a bad night, my girlfriend talked me into drinking with her and my tolerance is bad now because I rarely drink. I got drunk surprisingly fast. I was really out of it and she hooked up with me. The next day we were cuddling and she was telling me how I was a behaving during bedroom time with her. Initially, I didn't even remember being intimate, it felt like a dream, but then it came back to me.

I've been feeling irritable and have this skin-crawly type feeling ever since. I did communicate to her my feelings and that she broke the rule I had. She's been romanticizing our intimacy instead and trying to make it seem like it was a good thing, that she got to experience a different side of me, she liked having power over me for once. Those kind of things honestly aren't making me feel better.

I've been finding that i'm distancing myself from her. I don't know what to say. Or how to untangle these feelings and move on.

AITA or just having an overreaction? I can't figure out why i'm so upset by this.

The internet had a lot to say in response.

Little_Bit_87 wrote:

Reread your own post, only this time replace yourself with your litter sister and girlfriend with her boyfriend. You'll have your answer if it's worth breaking up over.

OP responded:

Well...f$%k.

CptKUSSCryAllTheTime wrote:

How do you know? You barely remember having intimacy? I think you need to reassess your rule to no intimacy if there has been any drinking.

OP responded:

Let me explain. She told me she was not drunk so she was able to be mindful of my injury. That's also one of her arguments against it being okay. Because she was sober and 'there' to take care of me. I can only take her on her word though, so maybe you're right.

silent_reader2024 wrote:

NTA.

"She liked having power over me for once."

This is a red flag ??????. Any kind of dominance role play should be discussed and consented to before hand. The fact that she broke a boundary to experience this is a huge ick factor and is, in my opinion, equivalent to SA.

Honestly this would be a hard line for me and I would dump her so fast her head would be spinning. As a woman I am telling you what she did was wrong on so many levels and do not let anybody down play it because you're a man.

OP responded:

That's the part that sticks out for me too. I said a similar thing in another comment, what's with the specific obsession with me being incapacitated in this way where I have no agency that turns you on? You want to take over, just say so. Tell me what you want.

We can do all of that sober. I don't mind playing a role. But the fact that she maintains that it's more fun if it's real, making me feel like I'm overreacting, knowing what she knows about my past...broke my heart actually.

One day later, OP shared an update.

We broke up. Please see my comments first. I've probably already answered your question. I appreciate all the advice I received and thank you for sharing your stories with me too. I will not be filing a report. I'm sorry, I can't do that. But I can walk away from this relationship and I've chosen to do so.

I’ve also made it clear to her that what she did was wrong and that filing a legal report is both justified and reasonable.

If I look back on our relationship, which is something I've been doing a lot the past few days and especially yesterday after the comments; my rule about alcohol (I don't want to have s#% when I'm drunk) was something I made clear to her from the start and it was something she was always trying to poke.

Ever since I met her, she has made comments about wanting to see me drunk, how 'cute' it would be to see a different side of me, how she would take care of me, things like that were constantly playfully mentioned.

During one of our final conversations, she also admit that her motive to get me drunk was for my benefit, to help take away the pain of my injury and make me feel good and that she also enjoyed seeing me vulnerable.

I understand people consensually do these things and I would have been down to indulge her (sober), but I think the truth is that wouldn't have been enough, she wanted the real thing. It's a slippery slope for me. She lost my trust. Maybe that means I'm not healed from my past experience but it is what it is.

I'm a straight forward person. I communicate. I say what I mean. I'm clear and direct about it. There's no way she doesn't know these things about me, so it can only mean that she wanted to do what she wanted to do anyway and she took advantage of me during a time where I am already going through hell because she got off on seeing me hurting. That's not a partnership I want to be part of.

The comments kept coming.

drtsquareadb wrote:

How did she take the breakup?

OP responded:

She’s very mad at me for referring to it as SA and she’s trying to get our mutual friends to convince me to see that I’m just having an overreaction due to getting roofied in the past. I’ve disengaged and I’ve made it clear that I can’t reconcile my feelings, there’s no coming back from this.

The way she’s reacting by focusing on my trauma and the lack of accountability just have me feeling like breaking up is the right thing for me to do to protect myself and maintain my sanity.

I can’t trust her anymore and not to be weak or whatever but I don’t feel safe around her. Our relationship was one area of my life I wanted to feel that way about, so it’s been heart crushing and I’m struggling with feelings I don’t understand and didn’t really convey in my post but yeah, that’s all I can say for now.

drtsquareadb wrote:

I’m so sorry man. You did not deserve any of this, and please don’t let her gaslight you into thinking you’re overreacting. I hope you also have a good support system around you and I hope at least some of your friends believe you. I wish you the very best.

OP responded:

Thanks man. Appreciate you. I don’t have a good support system mostly because I put up so many walls, but I have a good coach and a best friend I’m trying to learn to let myself lean on. The friends that side with her are mostly doing so because I’ve been quiet on my end. I’m taking my time to deal with my emotions first.

psatz wrote:

The fact that she kept mentioning something about you being vulnerable and taking care of you makes me feel extremely uncomfortable. She wanted to have some kind of power over you and created a situation to get that which is just scary. I'm sorry you had to go through that but I'm glad you're out of that relationship now, what she did was so wrong in so many ways.

andmewithoutmytowel wrote:

Dang, I think that was for the best. Trust is such a surprisingly fragile thing. One day you'd give your life for someone, then they betray your trust and you can't hardly speak to them. Once broken, trust never comes fully back, the betrayed person usually can't bring themselves to open up in the same way again.

They usually end up with 1 foot out the door. FYI everyone I know that had their trust betrayed, then ended up giving the person a second chance, has regretted wasting their time.