'AITA if I ask a member of the wedding party to wear something to cover their hair?' UPDATED 3X
"WIBTA if I asked a member of the wedding party to wear something to cover their hair?"
I am getting married this fall, 'rona willing. One member of the wedding party has neon yellow green hair and has said they plan on keeping that color for the foreseeable future, including for the wedding.
I did not know this person had dyed their hair until after I'd asked them to be in the wedding party. They've dyed their hair a few times in the past but never their whole head (more of just highlights or ombre and lowkey stuff), and never a color this bright, so honestly I just didn't see it coming.
Everyone else has more muted colors of hair and the dresses/tuxes are also on the grayscale so it's going to stand out. I know it's just hair it's their choice and I am trying to be as respectful as possible. However, I also frankly don't want to look at my wedding pictures for the rest of my life and have the first thing I notice be their neon freaking hair.
It seriously draws the eye. Ideas we have come up with to mitigate this:
Make all the photos of the wedding party be in black and white
2. Ask the photographer to edit this person's hair to a not neon yellow green color (which may also be an AH move, still feel weird about that, opinions welcome), or...
3. The option someone proposed that I'm really conflicted about, ask the person to wear a wide lace headband or wrap that covers most of their hair, and style it pulled back, so it's more or less tucked away for most of the pictures.
If it matters, we bought/rented dresses and tuxes for everyone, and would pay for this accessory too, and we are paying for hair to be done professionally for the wedding party, because if I'm going to ask people to look a certain way for an event for me, I don't want to then force them to pay to do it. But I can't tell if this would be taking my input a step too far.
It was a little awkward when I asked how long they were planning to keep their hair neon, and I just asked coming from a place of curiosity not asking specifically about the wedding, so I think they might get mad at me if I ask them to more or less hide it. WIBTA if I asked this person to wear a hairpiece/style that covers most of their neon hair for my wedding?
Not long after posting, OP shared a small edit/update.
Edit to clarify: I'm asking WIBTA for asking them to consider a hairpiece that covers a lot of their hair/pulls it back from their face, not telling them this is what I want or they'll be out of the wedding. If they're not comfortable with the hairpiece then I'd ask how they'd feel if there was editing/color balance adjustment to the photos to tone it down, and if that's still a no, then we'd just pick black and white photos.
We get one professional album with our photography pack, so we'd just make the whole thing black and white photos. We'd still have digital copies of all the photos color and not, just the ones we'd hang in our house and stuff would probably be black and white. No one is getting kicked out of the wedding for how they look. No one is going to be forced to do anything.
People had plenty to say in the comments.
geegeepark wrote:
Do you think they won't tone it down for the wedding?
OP responded:
They have an important event shortly after the wedding so I was like "oh hey what are you thinking hair wise for that event?" and they were like "oh definitely keeping it the way it is now". So I know for a fact this will be the color it is.
If they had planned to dye it less neon for that event anyway I was just going to ask if they'd be willing to make the switch before the wedding. Obviously I cannot ask them to dye their hair, I was only hoping they might want to change anyway given they might not want it neon for the other event, but especially since they want it neon for that after the wedding, I know it's neon for sure.
OneMikeNation wrote:
Info: Do you have a response response ready for if she say no.
NAH: here either way it's your wedding you can do what you want. But just curious is this more of a question or an ultimatum. Meaning cover your hair or you're out of the wedding party.
OP responded:
Oh goodness no. If they don't want to cover it, I will ask how they feel about it the photographer editing it to tone it down (unless the consensus is that is also out of line to ask), if they don't like that either then we will just pick all black and white versions of photos for the wedding album that's provided as part of our photography package
[deleted] wrote:
YTA. If your picking your wedding party based on esthetics drop this person. If you chose this person based on a relationship the person comes hair and all. Explaining yourself is an option which may bring a favorable outcome, however its possible to loose a relationship
OP responded:
It's not a matter of being in or out of the wedding party. This person is in the wedding party no matter what. Even if they decided to shave the sides and have a hot pink and black mohawk day of, I'd be irked but we'd roll with it. I'm asking if it's an AH move to ask them to consider covering it. If they don't want to cover it than we'll just use black and white photos.
edengonedark wrote:
NAH.
There is a very big difference in asking someone to DYE their NATURAL hair color for a wedding and asking someone to COVER UP their DYED hair color, no less a neon, attention-grabbing color.
You're not the AH for your compromise ideas, nor would you be the AH in asking her to somehow disguise her hair color with an accessory. Of course, she isn't the AH either for dying her hair a neon color. Neon colors are awesome! Just not always at weddings, lol.
Six months later, OP shared an update.
My original post didn't get a ton of responses but I really appreciated the people who did respond and I wanted to share an update since the situation is fully resolved. While the top comments were NAH or NTA I read every comment and I got a lot of different perspectives, and I continued to think on the situation and reflect on what you all said.
I had a realization that I was putting all my stress and anxiety about life and the wedding as well as my frustration with some unrelated rude/hurtful things my friend had done into my frustration with the hair situation, because it was an easy thing to be upset about.
I did some deep breathing and decided it wasn't worth saying anything about covering the hair. For my mental health I needed to just let it go, and let everything else go too. My wedding day was amazing. I am so glad to not only be married, but also be done with wedding planning and moving and all of it cause holy heck it was a lot.
Some people said I was shallow to even care about the hair/pictures at all, and yeah I probably am. I accept that. The hair does stand out a lot in the color pictures and the person had their natural roots which looked absolutely awful. I'm not going to lie, I found it incredibly rude they dyed their hair neon and then didn't even bother to make sure it was maintained for being in a wedding.
But in black and white everything looks totally fine and I love black and white pictures anyway. They also got married a bit after my wedding. The b-chy voice in my head couldn't help but note that they bothered to get their roots done for their own wedding.
I complained to my husband a bit in our hotel room after the rehearsal. Got it out of my system. Had a great time in their wedding. I guess all this to say, whether or not it would've been an AH move to ask them to cover their hair, as people pointed out, it wasn't worth it. The hair did bother me, I am a little shallow, I am a little selfish.
But it wasn't as big of a deal as I was making it out to be. It was better to keep all shallow, selfish, and bitchy thoughts to myself (and my husband), work on acceptance, and move on. Writing this is my closure. I will spare no more thoughts or energy for the neon hair. Thank you all for helping me find perspective.
Soon after posting she added another small update.
Edit: Just to clarify some questions I've seen come up, since people have cared enough to message me about it: Why do I think it was rude not to dye their roots? Would I have paid for it?
Did I pay for things for them to be in the wedding? Were our weddings far apart enough? etc. I paid for everything I could to help take off the burden, dresses, tuxes, hair, even offered people places to stay if they didn't want to do a hotel.
If they'd told me it was a money issue I'd gladly have paid for the roots to be done too if they told me they needed help. I know people are in various financial situations. I told my wedding party if there were any financial challenges coming up in being a part of my wedding to please tell me and I would help because I didn't want it to be a burden.
I think when you are in a wedding you are agreeing to maintain your appearance and hygiene for that day, you're going to shower before, you're going to brush your hair and teeth, you're going to do what you need to do to be presentable.
In my perspective if you dye your hair a very attention grabbing color that differs dramatically from your natural hair color, then you make sure the dye job looks decent and well done and not an inch grown out and that's part of looking presentable for a formal event.
The weddings were months apart. They got the roots touched up not too long after my wedding and then again the weekend of their wedding.
I felt it was rude because it was clear the person did consider it something important to do for other events in their life, just not my wedding. And that to me shows a lack of care, especially when again, I would have paid for it. Additionally I was in their wedding and paid for my dress and for their bachelorette party, they did not contribute to or come to mine. And ya know what all that is fine.
They're well in their right to do whatever they want with their money and their hair, its just it all added up and me, knowing them, knowing their situation, I found it rude. It is what it is with respect to that friend. I am unbelievably happy with my wedding day and my black and white pictures and I'm so grateful to be married and to have had all my friends by my side for the day, regardless of their hair.
People had a lot to say in response to the update.
Johnny_Fakenameh wrote:
"For my mental health I needed to just let it go, and let everything else go too."
If more people did that the world would be a much nicer place.
"I complained to my husband a bit in our hotel room after the rehearsal. Got it out of my system."
That's also good - get it out of your system (in private) and move on. Dwelling on something is like taking poison and hoping the other person gets sick.
bubbleuj wrote:
Honestly if you want the coloured pictures just get them. It’s pretty funny if anything. Yeah, this is our gang and this is the one with the silly/fun hair.
Also yes, low key petty to immortalize their untouched roots.
RexJacobus wrote:
Your update showed an amazing amount of reflection and self-knowledge.
AITA could use more of that.
Complete-Bullfrog-29 wrote:
Wow, that friend sucks.
ohpleasehahaha wrote:
Bro, it's really admirable that you were able to set this aside, but you really, really wouldn't have been an AH for asking them to cover it, ESPECIALLY unmaintained. It's one thing to have it, it's another to look like a sloppy teenager.