Short story short, I was making a creampie with fruits on top, strawberries kiwis mango etc. I was in the kitchen finishing it off and my boyfriend's dad (I'll call him Stefan) was finishing off a dish he was making. My boyfriend's grandpa was coming over at 6pm so Stefan was making things for him in advance and I was making the pie.
So the clock hits 6pm and his grandpa is supposed to come at any minute, so Stefan rushes and cleans the counters and asks me to "hurry," so I grab some things to put away but said I was slow and not fast enough.
I put the pie in the freezer and get two other things to put away in a second fridge. A plate, which was the only thing on the counter and something I was no longer using, was in his way of cleaning.
As I carried two other things to put in the garage fridge, I said to Stefan, "You can put that plate away if you want, it's clean" in a normal, non-b-chy or bossy tone. I come back inside to clean away the berries and Stefan says behind me, "Daphne, don't ever tell me to put things away like that again" in a serious tone, which I never heard from him before.
I'm ashamed of it but I'm a pretty sensitive person, if I'm only nice and respectful to a person and suddenly they snap at me like this it's hard for me to act the same way again. I don't know if anyone else here is like this but it happens to me a lot.
Once this happens I feel the urge to get lost and not be seen again for the rest of the day (I grew up in a severely ab-sive home). After he said that to me I left. I told my boyfriend this and he sides with his dad of course, and says what I did was very disrespectful. I personally do not see this and I want to know if I was an AH here. Thank you.
Strange_Jackfruit_89 wrote:
You need out of this relationship. Read your post history and the fact that your fiancé wanted any emails directed to him.
That just supports the fact that his dad (and probably his grandfather too) believe men are superior and women should always defer to them and know their place. Seeing as how that’s likely what he was taught growing up, and doesn’t see any issue with how his father spoke to you is a giant red flag…
FreeFortuna wrote:
Given how Stefan was reacting to his father’s imminent arrival, I get the sense that your boyfriend comes from a long line of men who are very exacting in their expectations of others. I think Stefan may have been under stress when he reacted like that, but it wasn’t an impulsive response.
And your boyfriend definitely showed you who he is, especially if he used the language in your mod explanation, that you “told a man what to do.”
I don’t think this will be a healthy relationship for you. NTA.
viio_o wrote:
NTA. Maybe the fact that you grew up in an ab-sive home is blinding you to this but your boyfriend and his dad are both so far out in the wrong that it's odd you're even questioning yourself.
Question your relationship instead. This is not the family you want to marry into if just asking nicely to put away a plate has your FiL snapping at you and the worse part is that your boyfriend would even suggest you're in the wrong for "telling a man what to do". 🚩🚩🚩
Exit that relationship safely ASAP and maybe consider learning about healthy relationships before you get in a new one. Growing up in an ab-sive home makes it more likely to miss the red flags until it's too late.
Royal-House-5478 wrote:
"When people show you who they are, believe them the first time." Stefan just showed you who he is - an imperious crank who thinks it's just fine to snap at you in your. own. home. Unfortunately, your BF seems to think that Stefan's behavior was just dandy and that this is all YOUR fault (which it isn't, and you are NTA.)
Watch your BF's behavior very, very carefully from now on to see if this was just a fluke or if he really IS practicing to turn into a younger version of Stefan (who puts them there womenfolk in their place, by golly, whenever one of 'em gets so uppity as to ask him to, y'know, put away a dish!) If he really IS turning into a mini-Stefan, ask yourself if you. want to live like this for the rest of your life.
Crafting_with_kyky wrote:
NTA His dad is though. I wouldn’t offer to do anything for them again. Yes, I’m the same way too. I could be biased, but I think that’s a normal reaction for a sensitive person. Honestly, I’d never forget it and I’d never feel the same about him.
I’d judge the BF over him siding with his father. I am even get that way if other people get treated that way. I will never again respect the person being the jerk. Normal or not, it’s who you are. Don’t apologize to him. You did nothing wrong.
honeyednewt wrote:
Girl, don’t walk, run! 🏃♀️ That’s some crazy and wildly inappropriate behavior from Stefan. The fact that he treated you like that, nonetheless in your own home, and your BOYFRIEND BACKED HIM UP??
And your boyfriend wants you to send your EMAILS to him, too???
What in the actual f-k. They see you as lesser than them, and it sounds like there’s a pattern of abuse.
Edit: NTA, but your boyfriend and his dad are!