'AITA for asking to go to an event my BF’s friends hosted and breaking down when they said no?' UPDATED 2X

"AITAH for asking to go to an event my boyfriend’s friends held and having a breakdown when they flat out refused?"

My boyfriend Steven (31m) and I (29f) have been dating for about a year. Steven and his sister Rowan (28f) are friends with a couple Lily(34F) and Jared(36M) who they play D&D and board games with. Since dating Steven, I've met them a few times and joined in their dinners. Recently, they planned a game night and only invited Steven and Rowan.

I work irregular hours (nights, schedule changes every couple of weeks) and only have one weekend day off a week, which is typically when Steven and I get to spend time together, and they scheduled for that night. It was fairly last minute I felt hurt and confused about not being invited because, in my experience, partners are usually included in social events, and I’ve always done the same for others.

Also, I'm an avid gamer: ttrpgs, boardgames, etc. And Steven and Rowan were thinking of taking my copy of a brand new game I'd bought recently to play with. But I don't know for sure that Lily and her husband knew it was my game.

I told Steven how I felt, explaining that I was stressed from work (Emergency response type role and it was a rough week) and didn’t want to spend the night alone.

He spoke with Lily, who said they only wanted the two siblings because it was a four-person game. Steven then put me on the phone with Lily, and pushed me to tell her about my mental health struggle and why I wanted to come even if I just watch, so I did, even though Im an extremely private person and never allow vulnerability outside of close relationships.

She said she sympathised but still refused and suggested I find other coping mechanisms, like using a weighted blanket, instead of relying on Steven for support. I ended the call feeling vulnerable and very upset, and had a meltdown (ADHD emotional overload, NOT a tantrum, I did not yell or demand anything) afterward.

I told Steven I didn’t want to visit Lily and her husband again as I am obviously not welcome, but I encouraged him (without any passive aggressiveness) to go and enjoy himself. I didn’t want to appear clingy and keep him from his friends, even though I was struggling emotionally.

With their explanations about wanting 4 people, and that I'd be bored, I’m questioning whether I overreacted. I see them thinking he should have activities without me, and not knowing that he does. I have never asked him to cancel any plans for me before. This was not a common occurrence.

I've been spiraling with all sorts of thoughts as to why they didn't want me: worried that they h-te me, or that they don't accept me as his gf. I also wonder if my stress and ADHD rejection sensitivity influenced my reaction. AITAH for asking to come even though I wasn't invited and then reacting so strongly to a refusal that I will not see them again?

The internet did not hold back.

ABeerAndABook wrote:

NTA. Lily was an AH here by being all high and mighty about gAmE nIgHt, but the main villain is Steven for not stepping up for OP. Putting her on the spot to talk to Lily about her struggles and get lectured at about coping mechanisms was a shit move.

Fearless_Spring5611 wrote:

NTA. Steven should not have pushed you that way at all, it was an AH move on his behalf to put you in that position. And as a fellow emergency care worker, when you have a terrible week and a horrible shift sometimes all you need is to have downtime with your partner - be it to relax, offload, whatever.

So while normally I would say it was an AH move to go nuclear over someone turning you down, it doesn't feel like it was the lack of an invite that set you off, but instead being pushed into talking about your personal difficulties when you didn't need to. Steven has a ton of making-up to do.

atealein wrote:

This is a bit difficult to judge. 1/ It is a very old game-friends-group. They play regularly with each other, the event isn't a general "social" event. I entirely understand them to not wanting to change their tradition, especially because it sounds you wanted to join them because you were feeling down yourself.

You didn't describe yourself as one that would be a "good company" for the rest, you basically just wanted to go to stay with your BF.

2/ You BF did not stood up for you in the interactions with his friend. Why is that, I can only speculate.

"Pushed me to tell her about my mental health struggle" is a very weird way of expressing and requesting an invitation to a game night. I seriously don't trust the narrative here, unless your BF knew that this is the reaction you would get from Lily and he was actually looking for someone else to tell you not to use him as an emotional support animal.

Either way, if true, this is AHish behavior on his side. What Lily told you is super blunt, but also considering you are 29 years old and you haven't realized it, maybe blunt is needed. 3/ You were upset and had a meltdown. That's entirely in your right.

You told your BF you don't want to deal with his friends again, but "encouraged him to go and enjoy himself." That's also perfectly fine response. Those guys didn't want to be friends with you, you don't need to have to be friends with them. All the overthinking that comes afterwards (is it my race/culture, they don't accept me) - it doesn't matter what the reason is - something people just don't click as characters.

You can try to force it or push it or beg for it, but at the end of the day - your relationship is with your BF. Not with his friends. You don't have to be everywhere with him, he can have activities outside of your relationship or presence. Communicate with him so he schedules these activities outside of the day you can spend together, that's how adult people deal with this.

If you want to self-analyze on what cause the meltdown on your side and how to avoid this in future - this is best done in a conversation with your therapist. They can also advise you on better routines to avoid unwanted behavior. Overall, on the question itself - NTA for asking to come, it never hurts asking. E S H for the way the discussion was handled by all parties during and after the call.

Everything_Sucks_bye wrote:

I kinda feel like everyone is the AH here. Steven should have NEVER put you in that position and handled shit like a man. You cancel if you’re SO is feeling bad or isn’t down with you going. Lily sounds like a B. I would have just picked a new game you all could have played if I was hosting and my friends partner wanted to come along. Games are fun with people. What’s the issue.

I get where you’re coming from with the situation and I probably wouldn’t be ok with their dynamic. However, i like some separation from my partners, so if my BF had friends (he hadn’t openly discussed banging) and I hadn’t been str8 up denied entry, I would have been fine with him going to play games with friends, especially if it was something he did pre-me.

TrainingDearest wrote:

NTA. Steven is the AH. The hosts have every right to invite whomever they want to their event, especially if it's D&D and you don't play - because having someone sitting there watching is just uncomfortable and awkward, and can change the entire dynamic. If Steven thought you were left out by mistake or this was a different game, it was reasonable of him to inquire.

However, once Lily explained herself - him putting you on the phone was totally an AH move on his part. It was poor manners to pressure her to change her mind with that tactic, and it was wrong of him to expect you to share your personal medical information with an acquaintance.

That you did so anyway was kinda icky on your part, but you were put on the spot too. If Steven goes anyway, knowing that not being invited bothers you, then shame on him for it. Lily didn't do anything technically wrong - maybe just a little rude, but then again she has the right to invite whomever she wants,and no one is obligated to participate if they don't want to.

The next day, OP shared another update.

Update:

Steven realized the toll it had on me, apologized, and said he would stay with me, but I told him to go. I assured him that I would deal with my feelings on my own, and I especially didn't want his sister to think anything bad about me since they are very close.

I wanted to put the whole thing behind me, having come to the conclusion that I won't be friends with Lily and her spouse, but I don't want to ruin his friendship. Then he told me today that they set up the game but then just got food and chatted and hung out all night so I got a bit pissed off but he was angry too so I think he sees the situation better now as well. 😅

He says Lily was weird to act this way because he's never seen her be this cold or exclusive before and always talks about inclusivity and being welcoming, and she definitely has dealt with serious mental health issues before that they've helped her through and accomodated.

But after reading everyone's comments, I do see her side of it.

I can see how it might come across as me using my struggle to strong arm and manipulate my way into an event at their house, but I only shared because of Steven's belief that she would be caring and understanding and helpful.

I still think she was mean to exclude me like that, especially after the events of the night, but I see how it was a very bad experience for her, too. Anyway, bf and I are going to work on our communication.

I told him how the issue escalated because we didn't work it out between us, and that we should never have actively involved her. He understood. He's 31, but he's been living alone and having mostly short-term relationships, so he hasn't had a chance to learn to navigate these things. And his last "serious" gf was all of the red flags. Yes...he might be neurodivergent too 😅.

The comments kept coming.

lausim59 wrote:

I am editing this after reading some of the comments from the OP. Your initial post said a d&d type game, but your comments state it's a board game and they were going to use your copy. That makes a difference. You've only been dating a year. Your comments suggest that there are continuing problems with your BF not meeting your needs, but also make you sound needy and insecure.

In a healthy relationship, social interactions with others is healthy. You made a lot of excuses about why you don't have your own friends, and I'm guessing there are things you are leaving out of your post. You say you only have one night a week off? Are you working 60 to 80 hours a week?

Or is your job evening shift? If so, you have morning times you could get involved in activities. Surely there are libraries, museums, animal rescues that could use help, etc. This does not sound like a healthy relationship and may be contributing to your mental health problems. ESH.

OP responded:

Sorry, I see how the game types got confusing. I do work late hours, and I have two days off a week, but one of them is a weekday, and that's when I usually do all of my chores, etc. because Steven works a regular M to F 9 to 5. The job is draining, and... I did make some friends here at first, but there was a lot of toxicity almost immediately.

Yes, I am leaving things out of my post because I anticipate hate or backlash or a "you're delusional." The thing I'm leaving out is... it's hard to make friends because men find me quite attractive...it's that tism rizz, lol. I'm no model, like I'm 5' and not well endowed, but my job keeps me quite fit.

I also love video games and other nerdy things, and because masking can lead to reciprocating what others want you to be like, I often become the "ideal girl" before the mask falls away. In a mixed group, I find that some people will actively hate me for this. Either because I dont wanna date them or because they think I'm competition.

But I've managed to make really good friends despite this in the past. I've just moved away from them all, and making new ones as an adult has been hard.

Potential-Teacup76 wrote:

Lily kind of sounds like a bit of a pick me and that she's threatened by you from what's been explained. You mentioned your boyfriend is 30 and hasn't had any real longterm relationships, which is why this behavior might not have shown up with previous girlfriends. Her acting like this could be because your boyfriend cares about you and is more serious about you than he was with his exes.

I'd be on the look out for any more sabotaging behavior. I don't think it's that she's not over your bf, necessarily, but it does make you the most important girl to him aside from family (and maybe even more than them in some cases).

This could be an issue for her if she's used to him prioritizing her or giving her more attention given their history than just a opposite s-x friend where physical attraction isn't involved in the dynamic. Hopefully your boyfriend backs you up when it comes to her...and maybe talk to Rowan to see if you've ever insulted or hurt her feelings, just to cover your bases.

OP responded:

Oh... maybe I've upset Rowan somehow. I just don't know how. Lily is very fierce about protecting Rowan, so that could be it. The only thing I can think of is...something that happened with another friend of Rowan's. Honestly, it probably requires a whole nother AITA because that situation has me super confused as well 😐. Im new tonthis reddit. Should I discuss it as a comment or make another post?

In response to a deleted comment, OP shared a long comment with context about past incidents.

Reddit won't let me do that, so here it is: I can only think of one event that did it. It was a few months into our relationship, and I'd met Rowan a few times. When her friend Claire visited from out of town, Steven was staying at my place, as I had some rare time off. I wanted to spend time with him, but he mentioned needing to go home because Claire was arriving.

Although Claire wasn’t his friend, Steven needed to be there for her due to his dog’s discomfort with strangers. I suggested coming along and doing something together afterwards but he said Rowan and Claire might want to hang out so I suggested making it a group outing, but Steven became evasive, hinting that I may not be welcome.

His entire manner became super suspicious, and I knew he was lying to me about something. I asked if there was anything I should know about his relationship with Claire. He said that wasn't it, they had chatted online a little, and joked about banging when she visited if he was single, but he's not single, so of course, that's not gonna happen.

He said there was nothing between Claire and him, but Rowan might not appreciate me coming along, so he had to ask permission. He called Rowan, who said it was fine for me to join. After that, Steven’s behavior returned to normal, and we went to his place, then out for dinner. The evening went well, and I enjoyed meeting Claire, who seemed friendly.

After dinner, I noticed Claire looking tired and made a comment I thought was harmless: “Awww, your expression reminds me of a grandmother who’s happy to see her grandchildren but is very tired and wants to go to bed now.” Claire was shocked and embarrassed, and Rowan gasped, saying, “omg that's savage!”

Everyone, including Claire, laughed, but I knew I’d said something wrong and apologized immediately. The next day, we went out thrifting, and Rowan stopped me in the parking lot with Steven, saying my comment was inappropriate and made Claire cry for being "called out" for her tiredness.

She told me to be more mindful of my words. I apologized repeatedly and asked to apologize to Claire again but was told she didn't wanna talk about it. Steven supported Rowan’s view, saying I needed to be more careful with my words. I spent the day being extra cautious and feeling ambushed.

I now see a pattern of behavior stemming from this incident. I worry that this might be why Rowan wants to exclude me from things. From her perspective, I joined her on a fun weekend with her friend and brother and made her friend cry. But really? Was my comment about Claire so inappropriate that it required a confrontation in the parking lot and exclusion from future events?

The comments kept coming in.

EmceeRex wrote:

All of these people sound exhausting.

Gwynasyn wrote:

I say this with 100% sincerity: ....what?

Peter095837 wrote:

Frankly, this whole situation really feels like some drama you will find yourself in high school. Exhausting people.

DubiousPeoplePleaser wrote:

Rowan doesn’t like OP

They planned a night with friends. Yes there is one couple in the mix, but they are both in the friend group. OP is not. It’s okay to have plans with just friends as long as it is balanced with inclusion.

Steven sucks. He knows she has little free time. He should have checked with OOP and scheduled this on another day. He also forced the phone call.

My guess is that Steven offered to bring the game.

OP is already rubbing these people the wrong way. Lily took her phone call as a manipulation tactic and got mad.

The only conclusion is that Steven sucks and OOP need to be single so she can work on her mental health.