'AITA for asking my husband to cancel his 'bros only' trip to help me with our newborn?' UPDATED

"AITA for asking my husband to cancel his "bros only" trip to help me with our newborn after he promised he would?"

This situation has caused a lot of tension between my husband and me, and now I’m questioning whether I’m being unreasonable. I (30F) gave birth to our first child, Olivia, two months ago. Being a first-time mom has been both beautiful and overwhelming.

My husband, Jake (32M), was incredibly supportive during the pregnancy and promised that after Olivia was born, he would be there for me every step of the way, especially during those challenging first few months. Before Olivia was born, Jake and his friends had been planning a "bros only" trip for this summer—a week-long vacation to a cabin in the mountains for hiking, fishing, and bonding.

When the trip was being discussed, I reminded Jake that Olivia would only be a few months old, and we would be deep in the newborn phase. He reassured me that if things got too tough, he would cancel the trip to help me out, and I trusted him. Now that Olivia is here, things have been harder than I anticipated.

Between the sleepless nights, breastfeeding struggles, and just trying to adjust to motherhood, I’ve been feeling overwhelmed. Jake has been helpful, but I can tell he’s excited about this trip, which is coming up next month. Last week, I asked Jake if he could consider canceling the trip, reminding him of his promise.

I told him that I’m struggling and that having him gone for a whole week would be really tough on me. He seemed surprised and a bit hurt that I was asking him to cancel. He said he’s been looking forward to this trip for months, and that he needs a break, too. He also pointed out that his parents live nearby and could help if I needed support while he was away.

I understand that Jake needs a break and wants to spend time with his friends, but I can’t help feeling like this is a time when I really need him by my side. I tried to explain that while I appreciate his parents' help, it’s not the same as having him here.

Jake said that I’m being unfair by asking him to cancel the trip after all the planning that went into it and that I need to trust him to make sure I’m supported even if he’s not physically there. Now, we’re at a bit of a standoff. Some of my friends think I should let him go, saying that it’s important for him to have some time away, especially after all the stress of becoming a new dad.

But others agree that it’s too soon for him to take off for a week, and that he should prioritize being home with me and Olivia. So AITA for asking my husband to cancel his "bro’s only" trip to help me with our newborn after he promised he would?

Not long after the post gained traction, OP shared an update.

Hey, everyone. I just wanted to give a quick update after reading through most of the replies. I was honestly overwhelmed by the amount of support and understanding I received—thank you so much to everyone who took the time to respond. Your kind words and thoughtful advice really helped me feel less alone in this situation.

A lot of you suggested that I should also take a week off, letting Jake stay with Olivia, to get a break for myself. I really appreciate the sentiment behind that suggestion, but there are a couple of reasons why it’s not realistic for me right now. First of all, I’m breastfeeding, so being away from Olivia for that long would be really difficult logistically.

But beyond that, and this is something I know I need to work on, I just don’t feel comfortable being away from my baby yet. I know it’s not healthy to feel like I can’t have her out of my sight, but I can’t help it. I guess it’s just that new mom anxiety that’s really hard to shake.

I’ve been debating whether or not to show Jake this thread. I’m worried that reading it might hurt his feelings, but I’m definitely going to have another conversation with him about everything. I’m willing to compromise and let him go on the trip, but I think a whole week is just too much.

I’m leaning towards suggesting that he limit the trip to a maximum of three nights, so he can still have some time away with his friends but not be gone for an entire week. I’ll update again after we’ve talked. Thanks again for all the support, everyone. It really means a lot to me.

The internet had lots to say in response.

dryadduinath wrote:

NTA. He agreed he would cancel it (until he was actually held to his word), planning a trip with his friends a few months after your due date was truly spectacularly poor judgment in the first place, he is a dad now. He’s not your helper, he should be pulling his own weight, and he should know by now that this is a bad idea.

No, his parents living nearby does not make up for it, and no, it is not reasonable for him to expect you to trust him to “make sure you’re supported even though he’s not physically there”.

This is his baby. He should be physically there, not just supporting you, but taking care of his own child who I must assume you are still recovering from carrying and giving birth to. You are not being unfair. He is being …a liar? What do we call people who say they’ll do something and then pitch a fit when you expect them to actually do it?

fancyandfab wrote:

You were uncomfortable for 9 months, you went through labor, you are now breastfeeding, what the f**k does he need a break from?? He was a giant AH when he even planned this trip. He was a bigger AH when he lied about canceling, and he's the giant gaping insanely awful AH now that he thinks it's unreasonable for you not to want him to be gone for an entire week when you're already overwhelmed.

It doesn't seem like you'd want his parents to stay for that week while he's gone. This made me furious. I hope this is his only misstep, though I doubt it. NTA.

bythebook88 wrote:

I assume Jake will be looking after Olivia for a week once you've stopped breastfeeding and can go away for a break? Let Jake know that if he uses his parents as free childcare it will result in a further week of rest being required. Jake seems oblivious to the struggles you are facing with your child, and selfishly prioritises his own needs over you and Olivia.

photosbeersandteach wrote:

NTA, hubby needs to grow up. Pregnancy, childbirth and early parenthood are absolutely unfair. He just seems to be confused about who they are unfair for. You were pregnant for 9+ months. You gave birth. You had to deal with the physical effects of giving birth.

Your hormones are still not back to normal. You’re breastfeeding. All of that is on top of the shared challenges you both face as the parents of an infant. So expecting to be able to take a week long break, when your co-parent probably won’t be able to have a similar length break for MONTHS, is unfair.

Complete-Design5395 wrote:

He needs a break!!?? You know that scene from Clue where Mrs. White is talking about the flames coming out of her ears? “Flames on the side of my face.” That’s me rn.

The audacity of this man.

You’re absolutely NTA. Ok, so when is your week of vacation happening? You grew, birthed, and are breastfeeding the baby he needs a break from… if anyone deserves a week-long break, it’s you!