'AITA for asking my in-laws to respect my quietness the way that I respect their loudness?'

"AITA for asking my in-laws to respect my way of being the way that I respect theirs?"

I did not grow up in a shiny happy vacation family that ate dinner together and sang on car rides or anything. I didn’t have cousins sleepovers, Christmas traditions or whatever. And because of that, I am a lot more quiet, internal, etc than my spouse’s family. They are the polar opposite. People stop by at their home unannounced and they’re welcomed with open arms.

There are so many kids running around all the time laughing and playing and the adults watching them warmly with love. They all share secrets and stories and are very huggy and all that. And they’ve been super welcoming to me but have started to be very pushy when it comes to some things.

For example at a dinner recently one of the kids wanted to show us the song she learned. Everyone sang along together. I sat quietly and listened. Spouse’s aunt kept elbowing me to join in. I smiled and clapped for her but did not sing. That same day, one of the younger kids was going around hugging everyone goodbye. I stooped down and gave her a high five and she toddled off.

The mom told me that was weird and to just hug the kid. Well. A bunch of the women my age were planning a girls only camping trip and talking all about all the fun and girly things they want to do, all of the bonding experiences they wanted. I am not interested, so I declined politely but did say they could use our camping supplies.

The organizer got frustrated and roped in my MIL, both of them teamed up on me that they’re trying on their end to get me to open up and be part of the family more. I said that was so nice of them, but that I have opened up a LOT and they need to understand that it all goes two ways.

I have given in so much and they know a lot more than I ever wanted, I’ve done a lot of things with group events, one on ones, shopping, getting hair done, wedding stuff, etc. I would have preferred strongly to just not do any of it but I knew it was a give and take thing and challenged myself to open up.

I explained this and said I appreciate them and I know it’s difficult for them, but reminded them that it’s difficult for me as well, and I’m trying as hard as I can. My therapist and I work on this all the time. This really bothered my MIL and she went to my husband to complain.

He defended me and told her that I’ve done nothing wrong. He reiterated this to me as well and said that he thinks I have done a LOT more than he expected me to and he’s proud of me. But it didn’t sit well with MIL, who reached out to tell me that she was upset that after 8 years, I still treat them like we aren’t family. But to me, I do treat them as family.

The comments kept coming.

Demented-Alpaca wrote:

NTA. It's weird to me when people act like invitations are mandatory. Perhaps your MIL needs to be reminded what it would be like if you treated her like your family would? I don't know your experiences but I equate this as being YOU the introvert surrounded by THEM the extroverts and how they don't understand the differences.

Their normal is your abnormal and they don't see that. I don't know what you can say besides no, you're not the AH. MIL needs to accept you as you are and stop expecting you to fit into the mold she's created for you.

RB1327 wrote:

If your general thought on all this stuff is that you wouldn't choose to do any of it, then it's really surprising you chose to marry into a family like this. It's a recipe for conflict and resentment on both sides. NAH. You and your husband are OK with the low bar you've apparently set for these family interactions. But after 8 years it's not wild that your in-laws feel a little upset about it.

oneempathyplease wrote:

NAH. I was on your side but 8 years in I think pretty much anyone would think you just don't like them, regardless of the circumstances. You've told us that you, given the choice, would basically not ever do anything with them. That's your right and everything but they are absolutely not wrong to be unhappy about that. I hope your therapy goes well.

ObscureMrE wrote:

NTA. It is nice of you to try and working on this actively and open up in your pace. It must be difficult for you. From their perspective yes it may seem you don’t want to be part of the family because you are not like them or someone exhibiting traits that they are used to. But this is not your fault so you shouldn’t feel bad about it, especially that you try for them.

I’m glad that your husband is on your side. I assume this was explained to them but maybe you could bring it up for them again to show that you are working on it, explain your journey so far and tell them that you are not being just dismissive towards them.

Everyone has their own personality. It takes time and they need to be patient with you. If you were not wanting to change or work on it, it wouldn’t be an issue either but I find it nice that you try to open up for them despite being uncomfortable for you.

diminishingpatience wrote:

NTA. Their version of family and their expectations are very different from yours. They can't have exactly what they want just because they're pushy.

"I have given in so much and they know a lot more than I ever wanted, I’ve done a lot of things with group events, one on ones, shopping, getting hair done, wedding stuff, etc. I would have preferred strongly to just not do any of it."

They still want more. That's not right.

OP responded:

This is ultimately what bothers me. I have given in so much with the things they ask of me that make me uncomfortable. I have pushed myself to open up and share things that I didn't want to. I have spent time in situations I very much did not like. I have listened to things that I did not want to know about.

I have done all these things and it is still not enough. Every time I decline I ask myself how I can compromise and try my best to come up with a solution for all. Allowing people to use our camping supplies felt like a good solution. But, will it ever be enough?

coralcoast21 wrote:

NTA I'm exhausted just reading this. An afternoon with your in-laws would do me in. Singing, hugging, bonding experiences, constant pointless chatter are things that send me running too. You are well within reason to draw boundaries with them.

Barfotron4000 wrote:

It’s so frustrating because you’re not doing anything wrong. Your spouse’s family sounds like mine, we’re all “you’re one of us now so we will treat you exactly like the rest of us” but that’s not super kind to the people who aren’t - who are more quiet and introverted (like they intend it to be kind but it’s not really). NTA.