'AITA for asking my MIL not to visit the baby during the week? She's driving away the nanny.'

"AITA for asking my MIL not to come visit the baby during the week because she is driving away the nanny?"

We have a lovely nanny who is great with our son. We started my return to work by having one grandma from each side visit once a week for a few hours with the nanny. I have gotten the sense that my MIL and the nanny aren’t getting along great.

My MIL snaps at her a little, disregards a lot of safety sense that our nanny insists on (and I agree), keeps trying to insist on feeding him the way she wants, carrying him while walking (I’m very against this as she is a little clumsy). She has actually taken the baby and gone downstairs to the lobby without waiting for the nanny. It’s become a bit of a power struggle.

She also doesn’t come for a few hours at a time - she is there for 5-6 hours. It’s also worth mentioning that she was so upset when she heard we were getting a nanny at all. She wanted to do all the childcare. And like a lot of grandparents, I think she’s a little out of her element and forgets how hard little babies can be and how easily they can hurt themselves, ch-ke, or be seriously injured.

Today I got home - my husband is traveling - and the nanny is in tears. She waits until my MIL leaves (she was there from 11-7:30 today) and then breaks down and says she can’t do it anymore, it hurts her heart, her focus is my son’s safety, and she doesn’t want to come to work on the days my MIL comes. I am mortified and so apologetic.

I tell her I will sort this out and maybe it’s best if my MIL comes on weekends. I was quite upset to hear all of this. I told my husband over the phone and I was quite clear that this just isn’t working, and I think our wonderful nanny will quit. Laying a boundary with my MIL is going to be HORRIBLE. I don’t know how to handle this.

I’m hopeful our nanny will be comfortable enough to speak to my husband and I together so he can hear it too. I think my husband is hopeful that his mother will change but I don’t think she will, we have tried. I am so sad that someone who works for me is this unhappy. I also feel bad for my husband who is going to have a very rough time with this.

And I get the sense he doesn’t totally believe how bad it is - he keeps asking for specific examples of what his mom has done. AITA for insisting that my husband speak to his mom and get her to come only on the weekends when we are home ? The situation feels untenable, but my husband thinks I’m overreacting.

The comments had a lot to say in response.

fanofthethings wrote:

Info: Why would that be a big ask for her? You’d think she would like to come while your husband is there so she could see him as well.

OP responded:

A few things:

She is retired (nothing to do).

She sent my husband and his brother to her MIL when they were little so I think she has some regrets and wants to have a second chance.

She is a little depressed and the baby makes her happy. There’s a slightly unhealthy attachment here.

Spinnerofyarn wrote:

NTA. It doesn't matter if your husband wants examples to give to his mother at this point because at this point it's either his mother stops coming over when the baby is in the nanny's care, or you find a new nanny. Tell him those are his choices. Full stop. No one needs to try and convince the nanny that MIL can do better because your nanny has told you she can't do this anymore.

Believe her. Choose which one you're going to stick with, but if you love your nanny and think she does a good job, what makes you think the next nanny is going to enjoy having your MIL around? Most nannies hate having a grandparent around all day that gets into their business and goes against safe child practices.

They have no problem having a grandparent around who lets them do their job, but one who doesn't? Well, it goes over about as well as it does for you when your boss hangs over your shoulder the whole time telling you how to do things and what they're telling you is wrong.

OP responded:

That is a very fair analogy. Thank you.

ChickenScratchCoffee wrote:

Why would you make your nanny repeat herself to your husband? She already told YOU how she feels. It’s your job as the boss to make sure she feels safe at work. You or your husband need to call your MIL immediately and tell her she is not allowed to come over while the nanny is there. End of story. This isn’t complicated. If she can’t respect your boundaries then she doesn’t need to stop come at all.

OP responded:

I just worry he won’t believe me or take it seriously. He thinks I’m overreacting about safety but it just takes a second for your life to change and a lot of what I’m firm on are universal no-go’s.

There’s the dynamic with my MIL but what im afraid of is that this becomes a wedge issue between me and my husband, and I would want us to be united. That being said, I hear you on what that would ask of my nanny and it’s making me uncomfortable as I reflect on it more.

TransChloeWaves wrote:

NTA. You're trying to protect your nanny's well-being and your child's safety, which are both top priorities. It sounds like your MIL's behavior is creating a stressful environment for the nanny, who may end up quitting, and this will directly impact your family.

Setting boundaries with your MIL, like only allowing visits on weekends when you're there, is a reasonable solution to avoid further conflict and ensure the nanny stays. It's also important that your husband takes this seriously—specific examples might help him understand the gravity of the situation.

QUHistoryHarlet wrote:

NTA Is your nanny allowed to take the LO to the park or the library or anywhere? Maybe they should be out of the house the first couple of MIL days after the boundary has been set. I also highly suggest r/nanny as a resource. There are professional nannies and parents there.

OP responded:

We already do this ! I suggested MIL come today (vs other days) because there is a little gym play class and I thought being out of the house would be easier ! It was apparently NOT easier and she stayed for 8 hours.

Reverendcatdaddy wrote:

INFO: Does the MIL live there? It seems she’s trying to make your nanny quit so she can take over. If she doesn’t live there change the locks after you AND your husband chat with Second Chance Mom. I say “and” because even though it’s his mom, he’s not giving off the vibe that he understands the gravity of the situation. Will he go over there and throw you under the bus or will he stand on his word?

OP responded:

She lives 25 mins away. I don’t disagree that she wants to be the primary caretaker. I also don’t disagree that my husband doesn’t get it.