'AITA for asking another mom if I could help with her daughter's hair?'

"AITA for asking another mom if I could help with her daughter's hair?"

My daughter (9) recently made a new friend. The friend is adopted, she's Black and her parents are white. We've had her around our house a lot the last few months and we've noticed that her parent's don't really know how to look after her hair.

I'm white and my husband is mixed. His Black grandmother lives with us and she has pointed out the girl's hair and even tried to give her some haircare advice. I decided to bring up with the mom about her daughter's hair and that my husband's grandma was happy to give some advice or even wash/detangle and braid her hair.

The mom was really upset that I would suggest she couldn't take care of her daughter properly and that I was overstepping boundaries. I told her that my grandma-in-law just wanted to help her to help her daughter. She told me I was being rude and undermining her parenting. She also told me I wasn't the first person to bring this up.

I'm worried now because I really didn't think she would react like that. I'm worried I've ruined my daughter's new friendship. I understand why she's upset at thinking I'm trying to suggests she's not looking after her daughter properly.

On the other hand, it's 2024. There is so much information out there to help her with her daughter's hair plus we live near a big city where there is loads of salons she could take her daughter to. AITA for bringing this up? I feel bad about how things transpired.

Commenters had a lot to say in response.

Discount_Mithral wrote:

Hedging on N T A, but - INFO:

What, exactly, did you say to her?

She said you're not the only one/first one to bring it up, which does show she isn't taking care of this little girl's hair properly. And you are correct - there is a wealth of knowledge out there for free at her fingertips should she just look for it. I'd hate to see this little girl's hair be left to tangle if not cared for.

OP responded:

Initially I said something along the lines of "hey, my husband's grandma was wondering is she could do a little haircare for your daughter and she'd love to braid her hair" I can't remember what she brought up first, but at some point she asked me why I was asking and I said it seems like you might needs some help taking care of it.

When she was completely against the idea, I continued to say that grandma would be happy to just give advice, Which was when I realised she was offended I'd even asked.

Scary-Welder8404 wrote:

NTA, assuming the suggestion was given in relative private and not like, at a mom's group in front of fifteen people.

That woman needs to learn to love her daughter more than her pride.

Her daughter's hair is different than hers and it requires different skills and tools to care for. I am roughly 100% certain that if she walked into any Black salon (don't be weird about this comment yall, you know what I mean) or beauty shop the people in it would love to help her and her daughter.

Apart-Ad-6518 wrote:

NTA

"She told me I was being rude and undermining her parenting. She also told me I wasn't the first person to bring this up."

She's contradicting herself.

She should be putting her daughter first & she isn't if people are offering to help because it's clear she's struggling. Especially with detangling.

Crimson_Knight004 wrote:

NTA - If she’s been told many times already, that means she’s choosing to neglect her daughter’s haircare needs. That isn’t okay. If she chooses to remain ignorant, then of course other people will offer to help because they will assume it’s an honest mistake rather than willful neglect.

She shouldn’t take genuine offers to help and educate as personal attacks, because the only one who will be hurt by that is her daughter.

peggingpinhead wrote:

NTA. You were respectful and courteous. When a white person adopts a Black child, they need to do the research to take care of that child properly. They especially shouldn't reject help from POC people who know things they don't about the black experience.

It makes sense to me that the mom's main problem was that "HER parenting was being undermined." Her first thought is about how she felt, not about how her daughter might feel about her hair, not about the messages she might be sending to her daughter about black hair.

There are many things in the US that black people will experience differently than white people as a result of systemic racism. Applying for jobs, police stops, and seeking medical care to name a few. If this mom can't let go of her own pride/self-absorption enough to learn how to do her kid's hair, how the hell is she going to prepare her daughter for anything else I mentioned?

Sassypants2306 wrote:

NTA. My daughter simply got curly hair...my hair is dead straight. My husband and son, dead straight. Daughter...the ringlets I always dreamed of having. She is 3 and you better believe that I asked my friend, the internet and other mums about how to care for curly hair as I do not have it...

She has more hair products than I have used in my entire life. Specific pillowcases, shampoos, conditioners. Combs...and a good 20 solid minutes of my time after baths. The mum needs to start looking shit up and following it if she doesn't want unsolicited advice. There's a reason they braid their hair....