'AITA for asking my boyfriend's mom to call me by my actual name? I fully snapped on her.'

"AITA for asking my boyfriend's mom to call me by my actual name?"

I (30M) have a name that, in English-speaking countries, is usually a gender-neutral nickname (think Alex, Charlie, Frankie etc). I am half Asian, and in the country of my name's origin, it's a unisex name that isn't short for anything. Since I first met my boyfriend's (46M) mom (70sF), she has repeatedly asked what my name is short for.

I've told her it isn't short for anything and different languages just have different naming conventions, but she keeps asking anyway.

She also makes other related comments that make me uncomfortable - asking where I'm "really" from; that it doesn't make sense for me to have a name from Country A if I'm "really" from Country B; that she hates the trend among young people of having gender-neutral names and I must have a "proper" name she can call me.

I've talked to my boyfriend about it, and he says he gets why it's uncomfortable, but doesn't want to bring it up because she wouldn't understand. I've started clarifying what my name is and asking to leave it at that, because I'm sick of answering the same questions every time.

Last time we saw her, she greeted me by calling me a "long version" of my name (eg Alexis instead of Alex). I didn't say anything but my boyfriend laughed, assuming it was a joke. However, she continued to refer to me by this name, despite mine and my boyfriend's corrections, until I eventually snapped at her to stop.

I'm usually polite in trying to divert these kinds of comments, but being referred to by a Western name really pissed me off, and I said something like, "Can you stop this BS with my name please, I've had enough of it now and it's f#$king r@%ist." She got really upset, saying she couldn't believe I would speak to her like that.

I left the table, and my boyfriend shouted after me to come back and apologize, but I went outside to calm down. Eventually, my boyfriend came outside to tell me to apologize for swearing and calling her r#$ist. I said I would apologize for swearing, because I shouldn't have been disrespectful, but I wasn't going to apologize for calling what she said r#$ist.

He said she doesn't see it as a race thing and she just finds my name a little funny, so I told him to forget it, I was going to drive home and he could get an Uber by himself. I left by myself and he came home later. I apologized for leaving without him, and he said he understands why I was upset, but I need to apologize to his mom because she's really hurt that I called her a r#@ist.

I said I hadn't called her a r#$ist, and that I wanted to apologize for swearing, but didn't want to apologize for saying that what she said was racist, because then she'll just keep doing it.

However, I'm worried I'm wrong to be so stubborn, because my distinction between saying something racist/being a racist feels kind of pedantic, and because she keeps phoning my boyfriend to tell him he shouldn't allow me to talk to his own mother like that. So, AITA?

The internet did not hold back one bit.

GreekAmericanDom wrote:

NTA. Do not apologize. Instead talk to her. For the record, it is definitely intolerant with the end result being that it is r#$ist. You need to start with your boyfriend. Explain to him that what your mother did is about not accepting someone with a different background than hers. At best, she is very selfish. At worst, she is in fact intolerant of those from different backgrounds and/or race.

For that reason, you will not be apologizing. If anyone needs to apologize, it is her. But you aren't done yet. It is his job to manage his mother. It is his job to protect you from her behavior. He should have stopped his mom and clearly stated, "Mom, his name is X, not Xtopher," every single time.

At some point, he should have escalated to, "Mom, we are leaving. We'll come back when you apologize and just use X." Be clear that you will not cave to keep the peace with her. When people keep the peace to placate AHs, the AHs win. You will not be visiting his mom again until she apologizes. He has to figure out what to do.

OP responded:

Thank you for this; I will definitely have a conversation along these lines with him. It's especially frustrating because in a sense he gets that this is what he should be doing, but he always just ends up placating her in the moment and apologizing to me for her behaviour afterwards.

I get why he does it, because I've seen her when she's mad at him and she can be extremely cruel with him, but it still would feel so much better knowing he had my back in situations like this.

Throwaway2587 wrote:

She is cruel to him? Why would he have her be so involved in your lives when she shows such terrible behaviour to the both of you? Perhaps he needs to consider low or no contact.

OP responded:

He's gone through periods of low/no contact with her, but he worries about her and ends up back in contact each time. And yeah, I really don't think such a close relationship is good for him, which I guess is why I was more willing to try and keep the peace than I maybe should have been.

Because no matter what she says to me it's not going to hurt as much as the ways she's capable of hurting him. I know facilitating a relationship which seems really harmful for him also isn't something I should be doing but I don't know how else to help in that situation.

Sufficient_Soil5651 wrote:

If he can't protect you from his mother and her antics in the moment, regardless of the reasons why, you shouldn't be forced to interact with her. He can have a relationship with her. It needn't involve you. Mind, if you're gonna have kids with this guy, he needs to sort himself out previous to that.

OP responded:

Yeah, lots of commenters have shown me that I need to put some boundaries in here, so I will definitely be telling him that I will not be visiting his mom until either she can speak to me respectfully or he can stand up for me. And don't worry, we will not be having children, thanks to both biology and personal choice, which I think is another source of disapproval for his mom.

squirrelgirl1111 wrote:

NTA but your boyfriend absolutely is. He should have been the one pulling his mother up on her rudeness and if he's too scared to do that at 46 then he needs some therapy.

It is completely fine to react the way you did, after all, that's what his mum wanted to happen. She instigated the whole situation and it's her responsibility to apologise to you for being incredibly rude to a guest and potential future family member.

OP responded:

Yeah, I guess I haven't been thinking about his role because I can really empathize with the position he's in. He had a difficult childhood with her and that she can be really cruel to him when she's upset, so I get why he doesn't want to start a confrontation with her, but you're right - it's kind of bizarre and honestly really sad to see a middle-aged man afraid of his own mom.

And I guess I'm frustrated with myself for giving her exactly the reaction she clearly wanted, knowing the position it would put him in, but that doesn't mean that I can't ask for him to have my back in situations like this I guess?

CoverOriginal3709 wrote:

I used to have a gender neutral first name, but have used a shortened version of it since I was 12-years-old, and eventually legally changed it to the shortened version. One of my partner's uncles decided to call me by a longer, and not-my-gender version of my name.

We're all white, and I found him to be generally homophobic and I took it to be him thinking "I have to be a different gender from my partner, because we're partners". So I would add "yes, racist, but possibly homophobic as well."

OP responded:

Yeah, honestly I think it probably is rooted in homophobia as well, or at least her general attitude toward me is. Like she's never really said anything explicitly homophobic, but it's clear she doesn't really believe that her son is actually attracted to me and she's constantly comparing me to his ex-wife, like I'm just some post-divorce mid-life crisis.

And the thing with hating gender-neutral names does make me feel like she's got some s#$t to unpack around her expectations of gender roles in relationships and her feelings about her son being queer.