'AITA for asking my ex-wife to transplant the tree she planted on our property?' UPDATED
"AITA for asking my ex-wife to transplant the tree she planted on our property?"
My soon to be ex wife (32F) and I (39m) were married for 10 years before we got separated. We have two homes-a main home close to NYC and a lakehouse upstate. We agreed she would continue living in our main home, and I would move to the lakehouse.
Seven years ago, my wife's grandmother passed. She planted a tree at our lake house in her honor. Since this was a vacation home that I'm now turning into a permanent residence, I'm going to be doing renovations, and theres no way around the tree needing to be moved.
I am willing to pay for all expenses to transplant the tree, and the aftercare to ensure that the tree survives the process, I am willing to wait until the right time to do this, however I heard late fall is the best time, so we do need to start planning it now.
My ex wife does not want to transplant the tree at all, she wants to be able to come over and keep visiting -it's a nice spot, there's a bench next to it and it's next to the lake, and she would spend a lot of time out there. My girlfriend does not feel comfortable with my ex-wife coming to my house whenever she wants.
My ex wife says everyone she talked to about transplanting the tree says there is a risk of the tree not surviving, and she’s not willing to take that chance, even though I’m willing to do whatever is needed to make sure the risk is as small as possible. However, I really don’t know much about transplanting trees, I’ve never had to do this before. AITA for asking her to transplant the tree?
The internet had a lot to say in response.
Yourlittlebirdie wrote:
INFO: will the tree need to be moved no matter what? It sounds like it's standing in the way of your renovations, is that right? If it has to be transplanted no matter what, it might as well go to her property, I assume. You're being plenty generous already, and I don't think it's unreasonable not to want your ex-wife visiting and hanging around your property anytime she wants.
OP responded:
Yes, it will need to be moved. I have a large family and they stay at my house often so I’m going to need to put an extension on the guest house.
the_last_basselope wrote:
NTA. Tell her straight up that the tree is in the way and will be getting moved regardless; her only two choices are 1) You have the tree professionally moved to a property she owns or 2) They raze the tree when the renovations happen.
Tell her she has until X date to tell you if she wants it moved; if she doesn't make arrangements to do so by that date then the renovations will proceed however they need to.
OpheliaArtBaby wrote:
Just popping in she can always take clippings and propagate them too just in case the main tree dies there will be other little ones from the same one beautiful cycle.
OP responded:
This is a cool idea. I’ll tell her about it.
[deleted] wrote:
How long have you been separated? You're NTA, but I do wonder if you could give her a little time to adjust to the idea since it sounds like there's been a lot of change.
OP responded:
We separated April of last year and decided to get a divorce December of last year.
mild_screaming wrote:
I'm going to assume your girlfriend was post separation. Do you have any kids? Or is the large family your parents/siblings/ectc? NTA. Though I wonder if she's doing this because she wants an excuse to be n your life. Though that depends on who's idea it was to end things.
OP responded:
Yes she was. No, unfortunately my wife and I were unable to have children. I have a lot of siblings and cousins, and hope to one day have kids of my own, so we need to do some renovations.
tmchd wrote:
I'm assuming you need the space because you're expanding the property.
You have offered to pay for transplanting the tree, etc. And you know what you should be able to do it. You have settled that this is your primary residence, so you should be able to remove the tree. NTA.
OP responded:
Yeah I’m expanding. Since this was always a vacation home we didn’t need much out of it. Now that it’s going to be my permanent residence for at least a year or two I need to build a few extensions.
Twelve days later, OP shared an update.
I spoke to my ex-wife again and told her that this time of year was the best time to move a tree and give it the highest chance of surviving, and that construction was going to start anyway, and even if we didn't move the tree until the last possible moment, there was still a good chance it could get damaged just from all of the work being done around it.
She confessed to me that one of the reasons she did not want the tree to get moved was because she wasn't sure if she was going to keep the house or sell it because of 'the memories.'
She was unwilling to come up with another plan. So I had the tree transplanted to her mother's house, which isn't far from her's. Her mother talked to a landscaper and I put a bench and some bushes around it. It's a nice spot. My ex-wife isn't happy, but the tree seems to be. Thank you to everyone for your advice.
The internet did not hold back one bit.
Abstractteapot wrote:
This was actually a really lovely thing to do. Not sure why your ex is unhappy, I'd be glad that my ex was able to show some empathy and move the tree rather than cut it down.
OP responded:
Thank you. I’m sure she’ll come around.
[deleted] wrote:
Well done for preserving and protecting the tree.
OP responded:
Thank you. I never thought I would ever be so invested in the well-being of a tree.
TipsyMagpie wrote:
That’s a great update. You really went out of your way, and the bench and bushes are a lovely touch. I wouldn’t be surprised if she’s not happy because, regardless of what you wanted and had agreed re splitting the properties, she still intended to come “visit the tree” quite regularly (aka spend time at what is now your property), but she can’t have it both ways.
You outplayed her, have got a clean break now and have acted with kindness and dignity, even when she was being awkward. Bravo.
OP responded:
Thank you!