'AITA for asking my friend to bring her own food when she asks to come over?'

"AITA for asking my friend to bring her own food when she asks to come over?"

My friend has a pretty big appetite and when she comes over she frequently eats many of my groceries. I am on a limited budget and I cannot afford to feed her appetite. When she comes over she will typically eat $40-60 worth of groceries. I am all for feeding my guests refreshments and providing snacks and meals and I only invite my friends over when I’m in the financial position to host.

The friend in question asks me almost weekly if she can come over, she usually says she’s having a hard time and needs a friend. I am always hesitant to have her over because of the amount of my groceries she helps herself to. If I have a full multipack of food she will leave me with one or twos in addition to having whatever else she finds in my fridge or pantry.

I recently addressed my concern with her and told her that if I invite her over I plan on providing snacks/ meals however if she asks to come over she needs to provide her own food. She did not take this well and felt I was shaming her eating habits (she does have a tendency to find comfort in food and often struggles with over eating).

And pointed out that I didn’t have this rule for my other friends to which I tried to explain was because they never ate so much that I felt the need to implement any kind of rules/ restrictions.

She said I was an AH* for shaming her for her biggest insecurity and for singling her out by creating rules for her that I don’t have with other friends. I knew she struggled with food but still asked if she could supply her own snacks and meals when she asks to come over, AITA?

The internet did not hold back one bit.

PumpkinBeneficial74 wrote:

NTA. Two things can be true. She could be sensitive about her eating. She's using her eating issues and your friendship to take advantage of you. If you're trying to explain to her how she's putting you out by eating all your food, and that you don't have that issue with anyone else, she should understand.

If she keeps playing the victim instead of trying understanding your side, you may need to distance yourself from her. Maybe calculate how much money of yours she eats in a month and tell her. Not to shame her, but maybe she'll understand the numbers better than specifically talking about the food itself.

OP responded:

Thank you I’m going to calculate the cost of the groceries she eats. I go to the grocery store twice a month because it’s not ever close to me so it can look like I have more groceries to spare than I really do since I shop for two weeks at a time.

I have a set amount I can spend on groceries every month so when she eats more than I can spare I can’t afford to repurchase the items and will often have to improvise and light meals/ snacks until my next pay check. Since her parents do all the grocery shopping and supply her with groceries I don’t think she has a good understanding of the cost of living and the extent that it affects me.

Abject_director wrote:

Why can’t you go to her place? Or a neutral third location where your panty isn’t? If all she needs is an ear and a shoulder, you could do that anywhere? NTA for telling her to bring her own food and explaining why.

OP responded:

Usually when she’s asking to come over I am busy and I tell her that it’s not a good time but she keeps asking and will say she needs a friend so eventually I will agree but I really am busy with virtual meetings so I can’t just stop what I’m doing to head to her house.

I sometimes go to her house but it can be a bit uncomfortable because she lives with her parents in a condo so it’s a pretty intimate space. She’s very close to her parents so typically once I get there she will suggest we sit in the living room and chat/ watch tv with her parents and it can be a little bit awkward.

I’m very introverted and it takes a lot out of me sitting and answering a bunch of questions from her parents and making small talk. Her bedroom is right off the living room and they can hear everything we say which can be a bit uncomfortable as well since I have to be hyper aware of what I say.

SolmaRedditUserNow wrote:

As you describe things, NTA. I understand that this is her "biggest insecurity". However it really feels like a good friend would have done this automatically after a few times of literally eating 60$ worth of food every time they come over.

That's certainly a non trivial amount of food. I would say a normal friend would, at least every so often, "Hey you fed me last time, I'm ordering takeout for us/bringing over a frozen pizza/whatever."

And that's whether or not they ate some of your food. When you have friends, its always give and take. Its part of the whole deal. Its absolutely no big deal to provide food/snacks for a friend. But a friend will also bring stuff over/share the cost. Seems to me she was, at least partially using you for free food for the night.

OP responded:

Usually if she is asking to come over it’s to talk about problems she’s having in her dating life. She works full time however her parents cover all of her expenses (car payment, groceries, insurance, phone bill and she lives with them) but every time she comes over she claims to have less than $1 in her bank account.

I don’t expect her (or any of my friends) to spend any money on me but I do expect her to be able to cover herself if she initiates hanging out. And I expect her not rely on me when she runs out of money due to not budgeting property.

Fit_Breakfast_1198 wrote:

Next time she comes over don’t have a lot of food in the house and see if she offers to order something on her dime. If she gets annoyed or doesn’t offer then she’s using you. Plus you don’t always have to say yes. You can be busy or just want down time. You don’t owe anyone an explanation.

OP responded:

The reason why it bothers me so much is because I usually have said that I’m not free to hang out/ it’s not a good time but she will continue to ask and say she’s having a break down until I say she can come over. Sometimes I will even be in virtual meets for work and she will be spamming me saying she needs to come over.

I typically never allow anyone to come over unless I’m in the financial position/ have the time to host them. Usually when she comes over, her excuse as to why she can’t get her own food is because she has less than 1$ in her bank account even though she works a full time job and her phone, insurance, groceries, car payment are covered by her parents that she lives with.

jabarney7 wrote:

NTA, tell her that you can still help support her in her times if need AT HER PLACE, then help yourself to her food.

OP responded:

She lives with her parents, (we are both in our late 20s) and her parents purchase all of her groceries.

PS_is_BS wrote:

Question 1: Did you tell her that you have that rule just for her because she's the only one of your friends that behaves that way?

Question 2: Does she act that way with other friends? Or just you? How is she like in public? Does she pay her way or expect to split bills equally even when she's eaten way more.

Anyway, stop having her over to your house. If she asks to hang out, suggest hanging out outside your home. Could be her place, or a public place.

Question 3: Does it feel like she genuinely needs you or is she just coming over to eat?

OP responded:

I recently told her that if she asks to come over she needs to bring her own food because I can’t afford to keep feeding her. She asked if I make my other friends bring their own food when they ask to come over and I said no because none of them have eaten enough of it that I felt like I needed to implement any rules surrounding food.

My other friends will eat a couple snacks and have a soda or two and I will usually share have of my dinner that I prepare. (If I’m preparing dinner or having a snack I will offer her some as well I just am not prepared to share more than I offer).

I’m not sure what she’s like with her other friends, I don’t know any of them but it seems like her other friends come and go relatively quickly however I don’t know the details as to why. When I host a birthday dinner or Friendsgiving or galentines celebration I have food out that’s self serve and I don’t pay attention how much everyone is eating.

I have been avoiding going out to eat with her for the last couple years because she does have a habit of asking to split the bill (one time she ordered 4 extra deserts to go to bring home to her family and asked to split the bill I said no but I haven’t gone to a restaurant with her since).

It doesn’t feel like she’s solely coming over to eat. I think she is just lonely and wants to be around someone else. The eating seems almost compulsive, she almost eats in the same way some people vape.

I don’t think eating because she’s hungry, but more so as a way to self soothe. In the past when I have prepared her food no matter the size of the portion she always wants a snack or a desert in addition 20 minutes later. However typically when she asks to come over she has no money left and has already spent her paycheck on ordering food/ nails/ clothes.

It’s very confusing to me, It seems like it’s genuinely distressing to her to not have something to snack on in front of her but she also only seems to ask to come over once she has run out of money. I do think that I’m going to not have her over for a while and try to find a way to rephrase my concerns in away that she’s able to hear without feeling judged.