'AITA for asking my GF to stop involving her “imaginary friend” Tom in our relationship?' MAJOR UPDATE
"AITA (27M) for asking my girlfriend (26F) to stop involving her 'imaginary friend' Tom in our relationship?"
So, when I started dating Sarah, I thought I hit the jackpot—smart, funny, and gorgeous. We’ve been together for about a year, and everything seemed pretty normal. But recently, I discovered that she has an “imaginary friend” named Tom. I had no idea about Tom when we got together.
At first, I thought she was just joking around when she’d say things like, “Tom says you’re funny,” or “Tom thinks we should order pizza.” I laughed it off, assuming Tom was a goofy inside joke. But now, it’s like Tom’s some kind of relationship therapist that I never hired.
We were having a serious talk the other night, and out of nowhere, she said, “Tom thinks you’re overreacting.” I just stared at her, thinking, “Oh, great, I’m getting double-teamed by my girlfriend and her imaginary friend.”
So, I finally asked her, “Can Tom maybe stay out of our conversations?” Sarah looked crushed and told me Tom has been her “rock” for years. Now, she’s barely talking to me, and it’s like Tom’s got beef with me too. AITA for asking her to keep Tom out of our relationship, or do I just need to make peace with my invisible rival?
The commenters had a lot to say in response.
RoughPlum6669 wrote:
I’d be worried “Tom” is a persistent delusion, like legitimately a mental health delusion. You’re NTA but I was immediately concerned about “Tom” being a MH issue.
OP responded:
I’ve thought about that, and it’s definitely a concern. She seems fully aware that Tom isn’t real, but he still plays a big role in her life. I’m trying to figure out the best way to approach this without making her feel judged or unsupported. Maybe a conversation about it could help us both understand where it’s coming from.
JohnRedcornMassage wrote:
NTA. There’s a possibility that she’s suffering from severe delusions and needs a psychiatrist like yesterday. It’s not necessarily dangerous, but it’s certainly unpredictable.
The more likely case is that she’s always used ‘him’ as a manipulation tactic. Any disagreement in your relationship will end up with you being ganged up on. Tom will always cast the tie breaking vote.
Spoiler: he’ll always side with her. 😅
OP responded:
Haha, yeah, Tom’s definitely the ultimate “yes man”! I swear, he never disagrees with her. It’s like I’m in a relationship with a built-in tie-breaker that I can never win. Maybe I should get my own imaginary friend for backup—wonder if she’d let “Jerry” cast a vote! 😂
LakashY wrote:
It could also be a response to childhood trauma. If she engaged with it privately and it helped her, I’d say no harm no foul. But it IS functionally impairing her life in the form of her romantic relationship.
If you want to stay with her, engage her in a serious conversation about Tom - how he came around, what she was dealing with at the time, how he helps her now. Explain how it negatively impacts you (besides being “weird”). And ask if she would consider therapy to see if there’s something else going on and see if there is a healthier way to manage “Tom."
MikeReddit74 wrote:
NTA. This is all kinds of weird, and not a situation you should be in long-term. You could be a bit of a troll and start talking to your own imaginary friend. Call her Carol, and call out “her” name during s-x.
The next day, OP shared an update.
Alright, buckle up, because things just got even stranger. After reading all your comments (seriously, you guys are killing me with the “give Tom a girlfriend” and “charge him rent” suggestions), I decided it was finally time to have “The Talk” with Sarah about Tom.
So, we’re sitting there, and I gently bring up how Tom’s presence in our relationship is, well, a bit much. She laughs at first but then suddenly gets this serious look and says, “Okay, I guess it’s time I told you the truth about Tom.”
Now I’m thinking she’s going to say he’s just a silly thing she made up as a kid…but no. She takes a deep breath and tells me that Tom wasn’t just an imaginary friend—he was her “boyfriend” back in high school.
Yup, you read that right. Apparently, “Tom” was her ideal boyfriend during her teenage years when, in her words, “real boys were just disappointments.” She used to imagine him as this super supportive, hilarious guy who’d always take her side and hype her up.
And somehow, even after she started dating actual people, “Tom” just…stuck around.
Now I’m sitting there thinking, “Great, I’m in a love triangle with an imaginary high school boyfriend.”
She reassures me that it’s not like that now, but I can’t help but wonder if I’m competing with the ultimate “perfect boyfriend” who’s literally too good to be true. So, I guess I’ll try to make peace with my invisible rival. But just so you know, if I ever hear her whisper, “Thanks, Tom,” under her breath again, I might actually lose it.
The commenters had a lot to say in response.
monkeymutilation wrote:
This website keeps coming up with new ways to weird me out.
NightShadowWolf6 wrote:
Maladaptative daydreaming to the extreme.
OP needs out of that relationship now. He cannot compete with an imaginary perfect boyfriend or ex boyfriend. Also gf needs therapy. Involving your daydream "partners" into your RL is rare and should be addressed.
volantredx wrote:
When she mentioned it was a high school boyfriend, I was prepared for it to be a guy who died and this was her grieving process gone horribly wrong.
Somehow that seems saner.
FrogFlavor wrote:
Uh, it’s self-talk to her conscience, that she did explain was someone (a man tho) who always treats her right.
“Tom says you're overreacting” = “An ideal man would remain calm in this matter”.
C'mon armchair diagnosticians. This is a soft ball.