'AITA for asking my parents what they have done for me, and not for my brother?'
"AITA for asking my parents what they have done for me and not for my brother?"
I (17m) have a younger brother (15m) who has a number of serious disabilities from birth. He suffered brain damage at birth, has a missing kidney, has digestive issues that means he eats through a feeding tube, he cannot walk and can only make sounds instead of talking. My parents time and attention has to be focused on him more than on me.
For the first few years after he was born I spent a lot of time with my grandpa who raised me from the age of 2 until I was about 7 and then I was seen as "old enough" to be at home after school and could make my own food and clean up after myself and not need supervision mostly.
Grandpa was willing, and had offered, to keep taking me after school but my parents said he didn't need to do it and he deserved to live his life. I never get 1:1 time with my parents. They couldn't afford field trips and never took the time to apply for the school field trip fund so grandpa picked up the slack there.
He paid into my school lunch account so I didn't have to make my own lunch. Grandpa was the person who'd pick me up from school if I was sick. He'd stay and take care of me at home since whichever parent would be home would really just say to go to bed or lay on the couch and relax and there was no caring for me or taking care of sick little me.
When I was 11, I got picked for this junior programmers contest through our school district but my parents said they couldn't take the time for it so they refused to sign off and since grandpa couldn't, even though he offered to take me, I missed out on that. When my laptop broke in October 2020 it was grandpa who replaced it for me so I could, you know, school when school wasn't in person.
When I got older I was asked to do more like cook for everyone, pick up meds or get the special bath ready for my brother. A few times my mom or dad even reprimanded me for not doing off my own initiative.
My parents have nothing set aside for me to go to college. They have never considered colleges. And last year I had my guidance counselor on my ass wanting me to go to college and wanting us to attend some college talk and my parents wouldn't go. I told her I didn't have money for college and she said she would reach out to my parents about forms. They never got back to her.
She called, emailed, reached out repeatedly. Nothing. Then I told her I had decided to skip college and she was like nooo, nooo, you need to go and she tried reaching out to them again to talk about it but they didn't answer/respond. My parents wanted to get a night off and catch up with some friends in town and they asked me to babysit.
I said no. My parents told me I should help my family and considering all they do for me. So I asked them, what have they ever done for me. I told them it had to be for me, not for my brother. I asked them to name one thing and I pointed out all the stuff they don't/didn't do. They called me spiteful and told me to stop looking at it through the lens of a kid. AITA?
The internet kept it real in response.
BangoDango22 wrote:
NTA. Having a kid with so many special needs is hard, I get it. But they have TWO kids and they’ve neglected you for most of your life it seems. I don’t get why they wouldn’t let you still stay with your grandpa after you turned 7, as if being 7 makes you an adult. I’m sorry you missed out on so much as a kid.
Maybe going off to college would be a nice fresh start for you and help set you up for a nice future. But also be ready for the conversation someday of how taking care of your brother will be your responsibility when your parents are gone. Set those boundaries NOW, then they won’t be shocked.
OP responded:
College really isn't going to happen for me. I'm looking into the best alternative for me. I'd need them to sign forms for me to get help funding college and they wouldn't do it. That would be too much to ask them to do for me. Just like a simple phone call to get the school field trips paid for was too much.
MerlinBiggs wrote:
NTA. You're a glass child. Can you live with your grandpa?
OP responded:
We're going to wait until I turn 18. Just in case. While I don't think my parents would fight it I don't want to take the risk that they'd call the police out of spite and fight over this.
Nightowllvy_93 wrote:
Big NTA. They didn't only ruin your childhood but are actively ruining your future.
OP responded:
Trying to but I can still have a good future. It just won't rely on them.
OneRecover8346 wrote:
NTA. Sounds like a rough situation my guy. They are trying to parentify you. It sucks for them your brother has these needs, and sucks for him too, but you shouldn’t have to suffer as a result. They have blinkers on and reacting to the situation in front of them, not seeing damage it is doing to you.
Be careful because in a few years, they are probably going to hand your brother over as your responsibility as they are getting old and will expect you to look after him forever more.
Hotaru-Tomoe wrote:
NTA. I understand having compassion and care for a special needs sibling, but that doesn’t mean you should be neglected and parentified, either. I don’t know what kind of opportunities are available to you, but it sounds like your teachers find you promising enough to continue college.
If possible, please do think about it. Going to university is what led me to my own independence. It seems like the only person you can rely on (besides you grandfather) is yourself, so it’s time you start investing in yourself.
OP responded:
I would need the forms filled in for financial aid and my parents would never. They can't even call my school. Expecting them to do paperwork is just never going to happen.