'AITA for asking my SIL to stay away until I discuss their conception issues with my brother?' UPDATED

"AITA for asking my SIL to stay away from me until I discuss with my brother about their conception issues?"

I am 24 and my SIL is 31 we have been close ever since my elder brother and she got married and I thought of her as my own elder sister and she would treat me as her younger brother and would help me with dates and basically just life advice.

But just a few hours ago my SIL and her mom visited me I was surprised cause this time my brother was absent, usually he tells me beforehand that he isn't coming or he's busy etc. My SIL and her mom stayed for quite a while and they cooked for 3 of us but after we ate they both told me that my brother cannot have his own child and they have been trying for a long time and they tested.

TL;DR: They asked me if I would be willing to donate, their reasoning was that I would be a better match instead of a random man they don't even know about and I am related to my brother and "we share blood."

I was speechless and it was awkward to say the least, I just said that I would as long as my brother is okay with it, they said they'll convince him as long as I agree. I said I won't agree until my brother tells me that he is okay with it, they said that it happens all the time everywhere, many siblings give their child to their siblings if they can't have their own child.

I got a bit angry and I said that I am not a sperm donating robot, she's just better off finding someone else. I will end up loving her and my brother's child cause he/she would be mine, they wont be my nephew or my niece but my child and what they are asking is too complicated and they should just adopt.

My SIL's mom said that I am being selfish and I should help her and my brother, I immediately asked her to leave and said I am willing to do what they want as long as my brother is okay with it, if I sense he's not being forced I will do what's good for him and my SIL.

They left but I could sense that my sil was annoyed, she didn't say anything but I feel like what she's asking could complicate my relationship with her and my brother and their child but the child would be mine but still be my nephew/ niece? I feel bad for kicking them out but I also think that I should talk to my brother first instead of doing everything I can to please my SIL.

The internet had tons to say in response.

Suspicious_Juice717 wrote:

NTA. As someone using anonymous donor eggs here in a few weeks. You can’t b*lly a donor. You can’t. It’s too complicated. You were right to consider your brother and the fact that he was absent from this convo says a lot. You can’t b*lly someone to do this. All hearts must be open. After they pushed you were right to say no.

OP responded:

Yes, I am going to talk to my brother and figure out if he truly wants me to be the donor, I have no problem with it as long as I get to be in the child's life.

I am not anonymous donor and I know I will love the child, I think they should find someone else or adopt so that I can love them as my nephew/niece and not think of them as my own kids I am kinda emotional and love my family too damn much and I think it will ruin us all, unless we all hid it from kids and I still be in their life.

Optimal_Counter_7618 wrote:

NTA. This sounds like a really bad idea. It would be different if your brother and his wife came up with the idea together, although I still think it would be quite messy. But the fact that she wants to convince him if you agree is beyond breaking his trust.

HCIBSW wrote:

NTA.

"They will convince him" - They have yet to even bring this up to him, your SIL (& her mom) are AHs. You already know you may not be able to look at a child you have donated sperm to conceive as someone else's.

This alone does not make you a good candidate for donation. You own emotional & mental health have to be taken into consideration, and this is a decision that could affect you the rest of your life. Call up your brother let him know what is going on & your feelings about it.

evil-mouse wrote:

Two major (related) red flags. They wanted to have the conversation without your brother and they said they will convince him after. You did good. From this point forward your only answer to them should be: "I Will not have this conversation without my brother present."

BlueGreen_1956 wrote:

NTA. DO NOT DO THIS! Men who have donated sperm have been taken to court and sued for child support in situations just like this. A man donated sperm to a lesbian couple and when that couple broke up, the one who birthed the child sued him for child support. She WON the first court case. He appealed and it was finally overturned. This is not a risk you should even think about taking.

vivid_motor_2341 wrote:

You need to send a text to your brother immediately that says hey your wife and mother-in-law stopped by I’m not super comfortable about donating my sperm for you guys to have a kid, but I would love to talk to you more about it one on one.

Any_Lettuce_1086 wrote:

You definitely shouldn’t do this!!!! You’re already talking about it’s your child. I understand wanting your brother to be okay with it but the way you sound your already over complicating the situation!!! If I was your brother I’d want my bloodline instead of a random man’s but not if your always gonna be there to remind me that the babies yours and not mine!!!

A little over a week later, OP shared an update.

First off I am grateful for all the advice. Some people even said that my SIL and her mom would ask me to do it 'naturally' which is not something I was expecting so after alot of thinking I thought I should talk to my brother and tell him everything.

I called my brother and after he came over, I explained to him everything that happened from beginning to end, how she came with her mom and told me about their conception issues and how it's normal to give your child to your brother and how it's better for me to donate cause we both share blood.

I asked my brother if he truly wants me donate, he said he doesn't know for sure, I said if he's not sure I tried my best to give him assurance

I said if he excepts me to donate then I will do it for his sake but I would also except to be in the child's life if they were my nephew/niece I would still want to be in their life but for me it's kinda complicated cause they would be both my nephew/niece but also my child. My brother said he needs to think and for now his reply is NO, he said he needs to think and talk to his wife first and he was looking depressed.

So I tried my best to comfort him and said that I love him and my SIL but I wouldn't do anything he is not comfortable with. Since he said no, then my response is also no ,but if he in future agrees then I will also agree. I wouldn't be a parental figure but I would still want to be in their life.

He left and I sent a text to my sil explaining her everything and told her we brothers are not okay with it yet but if my brother changes his mind I will be willing to donate and be okay whatever arrangement might come next.

I haven't got a response from her yet, which is kinda surprising give how close we are. But I guess they are both having an argument or figuring out what they want. I am not sure, but I'm so glad I could get this all out and told my brother everything.

The internet had a lot of thoughts about the situation.

Cursd818 wrote:

Woah. Take a step back from this situation and really think about it. Forget how much you love your brother and want to help him for a moment. Could you actually not be a parent to a child that is yours? Could you see the child in front of you regularly and not be the one they call daddy? That is the single most important question.

The bond a parent shares with their child is so incredibly strong. You will probably be overwhelmed by that feeling, and that could cause a whole host of problems. Some families are completely torn apart by sibling donations.

Jealousy and possessiveness of their family could cause your brother and SIL to push you away. You could find it too hard to be around them. How would the child eventually be told?

Because in the modern world, that is not a secret that anybody can keep. Stop trying to soothe their feelings and really think about the long-term implications of whether you can handle this. Most people couldn't. And there's nothing wrong with that if you're one of them. But you need to be sure this is right for you before you agree to this for anyone else.

1Domninaj wrote:

You did the right thing, but I get the sense that she will try to bully him into it. Be on your guard. Record every conversation with her, and the MIL, I'm getting a bad feeling here, might be I'm paranoid but better safe than sorry.

StrictlyMarzipalOwl wrote:

This is going to be nothing but a s--tshow from beginning to end.

Good luck. Because she is going to steam roller your brother into agreeing and if you get even a hint that is happening, you need to back out quickly.

Sebscreen wrote:

Good for you. Your SIL and her mum were being extremely shady, they clearly wanted to get you onboard behind your brother's back so it could then be pitched to him as a done deal he cannot change. Make sure you have proof of how things transpired. They are very capable of lying to your brother that this was your idea.