'AITA for avoiding my mom after she told me to 'suck it up' when I broke my fingers?'

"AITA for avoiding my mom after she told me to 'suck it up' when I broke my fingers?"

I was at the gym where a heavy-weight fell onto three of the fingers on my left hand. I was in such severe pain that I thought I was going to pass out. While sobbing, I called my mom (as I am at college—far away from home). I told her that I thought I broke my finger/s, and that I wanted to go to urgent care.

My mom has never been empathetic for physical injuries and mental health issues. When she heard me, she told me to suck it up and rest. I figured I would wait for a while—who knows, she could be right.

While waiting, my roommate came home and saw the state that I was in. She took one look at my hand and assured me we had to go to urgent care. I didn't want to betray my mom, because she always said to never go to the ER or urgent care due to our "terrible insurance."

However, I went and researched the cost of an out-of-pocket X-ray at the nearest urgent care, and it was only $200, which I was willing to pay. I told my mom this, and she said, "you better hope your fingers are broken or else I'm not helping you pay for anything."

So I was under a weird circumstance where I hoped my fingers were broken for the sake of saying "I told you so" to my mom.

I finally went to urgent care and got an X-ray. They confirmed both my pointer and middle fingers were broken, and may need surgery if not healed properly.

When I called my mom back later that day and told her the news, she basically laughed and told me I should be glad that they were broken.

Three weeks have gone by, and I have not spoken to her since.

She's texted me and asked for updates on my fingers, but I feel conflicted on why she's suddenly acting like she cares when she clearly didn't in the first place. She's also not someone you can easily share your feelings with, so i'm not sure how to go about our next conversation. Should I just ignore it, or try to bring it up with her?

The internet did not hold back one bit.

cooperbock wrote:

Not helpful but my first thought was to send a photo of your middle finger next time she asks for an update on your fingers.

OP responded:

I was actually just thinking about this.

toffifeeandcoffee wrote:

NTA. You know how your birthgiver is. Don't go to her for medical advice or tell her anything because otherwise you'll allow her to dictate YOUR health. Ask yourself why you think you would "betray your mom" when getting required medical help.

You even called her to get an okay from her for getting x-rays you wanted to pay for yourself. Is your insurence even this bad or is it another tool from her to control your health now that you are out of reach physically?

OP responded:

I think you might be onto something.

Jagger129 wrote:

My parents would get annoyed when I got hurt or sick as a kid. No empathy, just made me feel like I was inconveniencing them somehow. Rarely took me to get medical attention.

Once I hit college age, I just accepted that I needed to be on my own about this stuff. Not to tell them or expect them to suddenly be any different than they’ve always been. Just accept that you will have to be your own healthcare advocate from now on. Proud of you for going to urgent care. Now you know you can do it and it won’t bankrupt you.

SavingsRhubarb8746 wrote:

NTA. You are not betraying your mother by going against her advice in such matters. She hadn't even seen your fingers! If you want to be more independent of your mother, don't tell her about such issues until you have done what you decide to do about it, and the immediate crisis is over.

As for responding to your mother now - don't ignore her, don't get into a conversation about how you feel and how you think she should have reacted.

Deal with her as she is, and don't try to change her - it's usually a waste of time to try to change other people; all you can really change is yourself. Speak to her. If she asks about your fingers, reply "Fine" or "Much better" or "About the same," and immediately ask her something about her life.

If she says something odd like that you should be glad that they were broken, say "What an odd thing to say" and change the subject." If she persists, find some excuse to hang up and stop responding. "Gotta go. I've got a class/homework/someone's at the door/get something on the stove."

dalealace wrote:

NTA. I have a parent who sucks in a very similar fashion. Just FYI, you can advocate for your or call out their bad behavior. For instance:

Mother: Suck it up.

You: That is dismissive and unhelpful. I am in a genuine crisis right now. I came to you for help at my most vulnerable. (include many “I feel” examples and specifics about your crisis and the emotional or physical pain).

Nervous_Limit6877 wrote:

Wow. As a parent, forgive me for saying so, but I think your mom is a terrible parent in that aspect. If that were one of my children the 1st thing I would've told them was to go to the ER or ergent care right away whether it turned out to be broken or not.

I definitely get your dilemma. Eventually you are going to talk to her, so ghosting her will only go so far. But if it were me, if she brought up the injury I would give her very little information or try to bypass the subject all together.

Again...terrible parent!