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'AITA for backing out of my cousin's wedding at the last minute? She's marrying my ex.' UPDATED

'AITA for backing out of my cousin's wedding at the last minute? She's marrying my ex.' UPDATED

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"AITA For backing out of my (28f) cousin's (24f) wedding at the last minute?"

My(28f) ex-boyfriend (26m) broke up with me six years ago after I cheated on him. My mother didn't approve of me dating outside of my race and would introduce me at get togethers and parties to Asian men who she thought would be a fit for me. One of them ended up being my AP. I don't want to get into the affair, I just want to say I did regret it, and I did love my ex. But he was right to kick me to the curb.

2 years after we broke up, my cousin turned up at an event with him. They were happy and he had a good paying job in IT. I was still with AP in a miserable relationship that had already been going downhill. He was racist, like my mother, and was very rude to my ex and cousin. The scene he made is what led to us splitting for good.

My cousin and I used to be close and so I asked her to stop dating him. But she refused. This caused a rift for a while, but eventually I came to terms with it. I met an amazing man(26m) and I fell in love. He helped me get over things, rekindled my relationship with my cousin, and even find closure with my ex.

The two of them became best friends and I was truly happy. Sure it hurt to watch my cousin get what I had given up, but I had a great man and she had a great man. Everyone was happy. Except my mother.

Things changed after my cousin got engaged and asked me to be the bridesmaid. We had been good for years and I knew it was leading there. My fiancé was asked to be one of my ex's groomsmen, but my cousin wanted me to be her maid of honor. At first I was happy about it. But eventually I grew bitter.

I didn't want to say anything to my fiancé or anyone, but I hadn't felt jealous or resentful in years, but watching the wedding unfold brought it all back up to the surface. I didn't tell my fiancé because I didn't want to be accused of still having feelings for my ex. I love my fiancé. This was just a bridge too far.

I was cool until just before the wedding when I got a chance to listen to my ex and my fiancé as they worked on his vows with the best man, in my house. It was all about loyalty and how he would always honor her, how he had only ever thought he was in love before they met.

I couldn’t handle it, and started having panic attacks and realized I couldn’t do it. I tried to get out of it, but with the wedding only a few weeks away, no one would let me. I couldn’t tell my fiancé why because I didn’t want him to think I still had feelings. So I tried to go, but had a panic attack and fainted early. After that I just knew I couldn’t do it. So I shut off my phone and left. Now everyone is mad at me.

I told them all I couldn’t do it, but no one listened. The only one not angry with me is my mother, and only for racist reasons. She thinks I was protesting the wedding. It was just too much. AITA for not wanting to ruin the wedding by passing out during the service or something.

What do you think? AITA? Here's what top commenters had to say:

said:

You phrased the question in such a way that would force people to rule in your favor. Of course it wouldn’t make you TA for not wanting to ruin the wedding. But your actions here make me say YTA. Also for manipulating the question, YTA.

said:

YTA. You waited way too long to say anything, now it’s time to just deal with it and be happy for them. This is the sequence of events. 6 years ago I cheated on my boyfriend. Two years later he started dating my cousin. I was upset at first, but then I met a great guy and me and my cousin are all good.

My cousin and ex are getting married! They want me to be the MOH in the wedding. I am happy for them. I don’t want to be in this wedding. I am uncomfortable and not happy for them. The wedding is in a few weeks and I’m going to drop out. Little old me is going to faint during the ceremony! I don’t have feelings for my ex though, obviously.

said:

Yeah for sure YTA. Instead of letting your cousin know your real feelings, you waited until she couldn't make changes even if she wanted to and then bailed.

"I was cool until just before the wedding." You obviously weren't. You let her think you were okay. Your cousin isn't a mind reader. I understand that you were going through the most but you can't just back out of an incredibly important day for your cousin because of your unresolved issues that you assured everyone you were over.

said:

YTA. You claim you were "cool" until just before the wedding, but based on the way you describe your feelings throughout this whole relationship, you were quite clearly never "cool". And that's fine, have your feelings. But don't have them in the most selfish way possible.

You knew full well you weren't okay with this at any point and chose to make it an issue at the worst possible time. At best, you didn't think before any of what you did. At worst, you heard your ex saying that your cousin is essentially all the things you're not, got jealous, and lashed out to stir up trouble because you can't handle him being happy with someone better for him than you were.

Seeker131313 said:

YTA. You only think you're over your ex. Get some therapy for your fiance's sake and your own, because you clearly have a lot of unresolved issues around relationships and family dynamics that it is well past time to address.

After commenters agreed overwhelmingly YTA, OP shared this humbled update:

Well given the overwhelming YTA, I definitely accept fault. I want so bad to say I don't care about the opinions of everyone on the internet, but all your messages mad me cry. Not because they hurt my feelings, because most of you are right, I had been an awful person.

I don't have feelings for my ex anymore, not romantically. He just represents me at my worse. I have tried to be okay with him being around. I am fine with him. He has forgiven me and understood I made terrible choices.

I'm not blaming my mother for deciding to cheat. My mother wished that I either date someone of my race or a successful white man. She's not fond of other minorities and mostly didn't like my ex because he was black and she didn't believe he would make money with his major.

There was a lot of pressure for me to be with someone she approved of and I started spending time with AP because of the pressure. I cheated because I was selfish and stupid. He bought me gifts and gave me attention and my mom and brother were happy with him, there was always conflict with my ex. Them being mean to him and I was never strong enough to stand up for him.

I never really apologized to him. I never apologized to my cousin for asking her to stop dating him. I felt like I grew and was a better person and here was my ex, the person who could say with certainty, 'You're a bad person.', and I couldn't argue with him.

We all got close. Time with my cousin and him doing stuff was fun, but in the back of my mind I'm very afraid of the kinds of things my fiancé and he would talk about. How close they got. When my fiancé says he loves me, I'm a good person, my ex can refute that. I have anxiety because nothing was ever resolved.

It's not like he ever talked to me about what I did to him, even back then, he just ghosted me. We haven't talked about it since he's been dating my cousin. He treats me like it never happened. Not just the cheating, our relationship, and I'm afraid he will someday make me pay for what I did.

I didn't want to tell my fiancé cause I knew what he would say. That I shouldn't worry. That no ones thinking about that and that my fears aren't real. You all have said so emphatically. Telling me its all my own ego, thinking the world revolves around me. Everyone else has moved on and I'm just being childish.

But I've been to a wedding where the groom waited til the vows to expose his wife as a cheater and embarrass her in front of everyone. I was afraid that through their vows they'd take shots at me and I am not a strong enough person to take it. If I cried. If I reacted. If I did anything else, I'd make a scene and that would be unforgiveable.

I figured I'd rather be considered an asshole who was full of herself, than show up and have that confirmed for everyone. I didn't trust myself. No I never been to therapy. To be honest I've lived with a lot of regret. AP was not good to me, but my family was happy about him.

He came from a good family and his mother is in the same business as my dad, and since I already threw my ex away I stayed with him. I didn't want to have destroyed that relationship for nothing. But I did. I have talked to my fiancé and told him everything. He said he is disappointed in me, that he though I was more mature than that. He then hugged me and said he will help me through this.

He called up my cousin who didn't want to talk to me, but I did talk to my ex. I apologized for the first time and told him how I was threatened by him, still. That I know he's moved on and was trying his best to kind and civil, but I felt I deserved to be punished and expected him to be waiting for the right moment. He sounded sad when he told me that I never really knew him at all.

My fiancé wanted us to sit down sometime when everyones ready and has it out. My ex agreed. My cousin had some really nasty things to say to me, but I just kept apologizing and telling her I know and that I deserved her anger. I am sorry I let her down. She told me everything had to be about me, even when we were kids. That I just had to make her day about me.

That really wasn't my intention, but that is what happened. I was surprised when my ex defended me and said that it really didn't ruin anything. Most people saw me faint earlier and thought I got sick. Some people asked about me, but only close family knew anything about me once dating him and it was only a big deal cause the number of bridesmaids were different than groomsman.

The real problem is my cousin really wanted me there to support her. We had said we'd be each others MOH since we were little and I took that from her.

I apologized and told her that I'll do anything to make it up to her.

I accept that I was the a$$hole here and that there's going to be a long road to make things up to everyone. I need to get over myself. Thank everyone who took the time to sh!t on my feelings. You're mean people, but I think it was what I needed to hear.

Thanks for being so helpful, you jerks!

Sources: Reddit
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