I (34F) and husband (37M) and stepmom (52 F).
My stepmom has been helping us out by babysitting my 2 children (2 and 5) and while me and my husband are very grateful, we are very upset with her.
My stepmom recently was divorced by my father. My stepmom had no where to go so she had asked to stay with us. I hadn't had a great relationship with her for stealing stuff I had bought with my money when I was 17 however I decided to push past this and move on.
When she moved in, we went over rules and told her what her experience would look like. She agreed to our rules, which included buying food for herself when necessary, although we did tell her we would mostly be buying stuff for her so she could get back on her feet.
Another rule we had was babysitting. We would agree to pay her for babysitting our kids when we needed her so that she could make some money to get back on her feet. We gave her our job contact info had she ever needed to call them if she couldn't get ahold of us while we were at work.
Recently, we haven't really been needing her to babysit but she has been insistent on paying for food items. We went over the fact that this wasn't needed and she replied that she wanted to feel like she had more power over us by paying for food. I gently reminded her that this was our house and she was a guest in it to which she got pissed.
She told me and my husband that "she has power over us" and how "she was my mom." I didn't reply and just stopped talking to her. My husband had made plans with her that we would need her to babysit our kids this past Monday and she had agreed to it since we were both going to work.
I am at work when my work receives a call from my husband telling me that my stepmom called him saying that she was leaving to go party with her friends, and he was going back home to talk to her. I agree that he is doing the reasonable thing since she has no concept of responsibility.
I then, while at work receive a call from my stepmom who had said that my husband said that she needed to grow up and gain responsibility or get out. I, of course sided with my husband and she hung up. The next morning, whilst driving home I noticed my stepmoms car wasn't in my driveway and I asked my husband about it, to which he replied "she chose to get out."
I have been trying to reach my stepmom for days but she nor my step-sister (whom she moved in with) will hold a conversation with me and my stepmom will not apologize.
I'm starting to feel like the AH since neither of them will respond to me. Did I overreact and overstep?
EDIT 1: I disliked her when I was 17, didn't really talk to her and then decided to give her another chance based on step sis who had a problem similar to mine which stepmom was able to apologize and grow from. The original reason she moved in with me and not step sis is because she is having a rough time paying the rent, also we would pay stepmom and she wouldn't.
imamage_fightme wrote:
NTA but you need to stop giving her attention. She literally told you she wanted power over you and you are giving it to her. You claim to not even like this woman but you took her in and allowed her around your children which is wild to me. I can't imagine allowing someone I don't like to watch my children unsupervised. Just let her go. She isn't worth your time and attention.
Mundane_Abroad-6502 wrote:
I agree with you. OP has been more than fair, but the stepmom has shown disrespect and a lack of maturity. It’s important to prioritize your family’s peace and well-being. Letting go of the drama and not giving her more attention is probably the healthiest choice. You’ve already done enough by trying to help her, so now it's time to move forward without letting her behavior affect you.
Rare_Sugar_2927 wrote:
NTA and be grateful you got rid of her that easy. Wash your hands of her. If she wants to have a decent adult relationship with you she can get in touch and apologize. Right now, enjoy the peace of not having someone who "has power over you" cos wtf was that about?
OP responded:
Exactly. I hate how I felt bad for her and seriously thought I had a lapse of judgement.
Careless_Welder_4048 wrote:
I’m confused why you want to talk to her? Why didn’t she move in with her daughter first?
OP responded:
Her daughter lives in a small apartment that she can barely pay the rent for. She moved in with us because we agreed to pay her.
crazymastiff wrote:
NTA. And never contact her again. This was a power move to show that she did in fact have some power over you and the fact that you are trying to contact her is proving her point. She lives that you’re reaching out and she’s not answering…because it gives her even more power over you!
OP responded:
Thank you!
ReviewOk929 wrote:
"I have been trying to reach my stepmom for days." Why? You trying to reach out and her denial of it is feeding whatever perverse pleasure she gets from thinking she has power over you. It's also demonstrating, to her at least, that she does have power over you. Stop calling and good riddance to her. NTA.
OP responded:
Thank you! I haven't liked her since I was 17 but figured it was misjudgment. This is a good chance to escape from her grasp since apparently my father didn't like her either.