'AITA because I don’t believe my wife is traumatized by her affair?'
"AITA because I don’t believe my wife is traumatized by her affair?"
My wife is claiming that she is “not okay” and “traumatized” from the affair she had late last year. Things between her and I were not great and really took a turn for the worse later in the year to the point the police were here twice. Once after she trashed the place and another time to toss me out because she filed a PFA alleging I was going to “hurt myself." Obviously the PFA did not stick when the truth came out. Against my better judgment I came home so I could be with my children and figure out what to do.
Once back, she was a changed woman. Was going above and beyond to make things work and I decided to give it one last shot. I had suspected that she was with/talking to someone and gave her every opportunity to come clean so I could plan my next steps. Obviously she did not come clean and I woke up two days before Christmas to find my vehicle severely vandalized with a note.
Still nothing from her. It took me receiving photos of her and this other man together for her to come clean. Apparently her and her ex from 20 years ago were fooling around in parking lots and his house and when she called it off to work things out between us, he snapped.
Due to safety concerns we remained living together till we could find our own places and finalize our divorce. During that time she is acting like I should just get over it and now is claiming “she’s not okay and traumatized” from her affair and expects me to be understanding. AITA because I don’t believe nor do I really care that my wife is claiming to be traumatized by the affair she had?
EDIT:
Why did I come back? 2023 was the year that I mentally checked out. It was one bad thing after another and the icing on the cake was me having to clean up after my brother’s death and close his business down. I just bottled everything up inside me and just kept on going about the process of living.
Then a few months later I lost a cousin and all those feelings that I buried started to come out. At times, I was not nice and was pushing everyone away. I had grown frustrated with my wife and all the drama and her unwillingness to help in make our life better. I reached out to attorney and had a consultation on filling for divorce.
Then the PFA came and I was devastated from the lies and being forced to leave my children. I was not okay and immediately started therapy. Me going back was a weak moment. I desperately missed my children and what my wife and I once had. Why are we still living together? After the affair came out and my vehicle was severely vandalized this man kept at it. He started stalking her, started harassing her older children and other family members.
Yes, the police are/were investigating but that has honestly been a waste of time. I am better suited at dealing with confrontations than most, and that was the only reason why she stayed. Also, I do not have the financial resources to move myself and children at a moments notice. That man is not an issue any more but I became complacent and fell into our old routine and lost focus. Her response when asked about not being “okay” and “traumatized”
“I live in fear after what happened to your vehicle”
“I live in a world now where it is toxic for all of us”
“I am constantly scrutinized”
“You act like we had this rock solid marriage and you’re some victim”
my response to that “No matter what, it doesn’t excuse what you did or what resulted from it”
Her “I f*cking hate him and no, I am not okay." Yes, I am in therapy to deal with this and other things. Yes, I am continuing the divorce and seeking custody.
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
Liber-Tea_actual said:
NTA, she's abusive, she's a cheater, she's a liar, and somehow it's not her fault? the consequences of her actions are who's fault? Run. Fast and far away.
Old_Cheek1076 said:
NTA - Focus on moving forward and getting divorced. Her feeling OK is not your concern anymore.
l3ex_G said:
NTA just tell her “that’s crazy, good luck tho” and take your kids.
avatarjulius said:
NTA. Bro, even if she hadn't had the affair, she trashed your house and tried to get you arrested. You should've left already.
emptynest_nana said:
NTA. Sounds like you need to run fast and hard. She is trying to manipulate you.
Azsura12 said:
NTA It is not your fault she got traumatized. She willing went out with this man and made the choice to have an affair. She chose to lie about you to the police as well. Those are the choices you should be concerned with. The aftermath of those choices are entirely on her and her AP. Her being traumatized has nothing to do with you nor should it affect any decision. Her choice to actively hurt you and cheat on you is entirely on her.
allycia85 said:
NTA. She made her own bed and now it's time for her to face the consequences. Be clear and firm that you're there only until the divorce is finalised and that the only comms required are about co-parenting and splitting of assets. Everything else you're not interested in. Best of luck with your new life as a free man.