'AITA because I told my wife she isn't allowed to ground my son?' UPDATED

"AITA because I told my wife she isn't allowed to ground my son?"

My son is seventeen. My wife and I also have three more boys. Two are from before our marriage, but I'm legally their father now. They are all much younger than my son. My son is starting his senior year of high school next year and hoping to get an athletic scholarship.

My son plans to spend all summer practicing. Yesterday my wife asked him to tidy up the living room and he said he was already on the way to the gym. She told him that he could go after tidying. He said he would do it when he got back and left without giving her time to reply. She sent him a text saying he is grounded and then called me to let me know.

I told her I would talk to him, but he wasn't grounded. She said he disrespected her, and I said we could and would have a conversation about that, but there would be no grounding. This is my last summer with my oldest child and an important summer, because he's trying to achieve something that can make or break his future. I'm not going to risk ruining either of those things unless it's something really serious.

She was very upset. I texted my son that he wasn't grounded, but that we wanted to talk to him when he came home. He said okay and texted me when he was leaving the gym to let us know he was on the way.

When he got back, we sat down and talked. He said he didn't mind helping out, but that he was a busy person with a busy schedule and wasn't at our beck and call. He said if he is asked in advance to do something he will, but he isn't available to us at the drop of a hat.

My wife didn't like that, but I said that was fine. I asked him if he would be willing to clean the living room, and he said he would after taking a shower. While he was in the shower my wife and I got into a big fight. She said I undermined her and all the kids will respect her less. She was very angry I said that and said she needed space from me.

We have only talked as much as necessary today, and I'm getting worried. We are supposed to be at a memorial day barbecue in an hour, and she just asked me if I could stay home while she took the boys without me (my oldest has plans with friends and already left). I am wondering if I'm the ahole here.

My son always said that he would respect my wife, but she's not his mother. He's never cussed her, shouted at her or what have you. I think it's fair that we stay consistent with her not being his mom. Maybe I'm being a bad husband.

Here's what people had to say to OP about this one:

PJ-Putitonmyluggage said:

I think you should really ask yourself: Why wouldn't your son want her to attend life events after he moves out? Why is she happy and accepting that you wouldn't travel to see your son if she couldn't go along?

And that you would "choose" her over your son? It sounds like there are major issues between them that you've been ignoring (intentionally or not), and this doesn't sound resolved at all to me.

DeeLeetid said:

To be clear, you’re not the ahole for acknowledging your son is on the cusp of adulthood, and shouldn’t be sidelined on already existing commitments or plans for an on-the-spot whim of your wife.

That said, you’re kind of an ahole for turning this into “you’re not his mother." The same sentiment would be in place for when your shared biological son is approaching that same age and similar situations arise.

veetoo151 said:

Your son sounds very reasonable, asking to be notified ahead of time for chores. Your wife is mad because he didn't obey her on a whim. I think it's good you showed your son respect in regards to his autonomy. He is entering adulthood, and he is already doing a good job standing up for himself and his time.

Your wife sounds like she is power tripping. If there are chores that need to be done, there should be assigned responsibility that people can plan for. Not allowing people time to plan is disrespectful of their time, and is just poor planning in general.

Victoria_elizabethb said:

NTA. I think mom is used to parenting young boys and has forgotten that this one is basically an adult who isn't her child and the way you're going to handle them is much different.

She likely got flustered thinking she was disrespected by OP and is doubling down, but imo this is a silly thing to let get out of hand on her behalf and should've let dad take the lead here. The other kids don't need to know what happened and therefor it will not effect them nor their respect towards her.

I think having a conversation about expectations with her regarding him and his presence in the house is needed. He actually sounds like he was wanting to follow thru with what she asked, just once he finished what he was planning and heading out for already - entirely reasonable.

Especially when it's not even his mess, nor any urgent mess at all. She needs to understand he's got his own goals and you're going to help him focus on them within reason, he likely will be moving out soon anyways so why argue this moot issue, she's out of line jumping to grounding him imo. Good luck OP!

xokaylanicole said:

NTA but you have every right to visit your son w/o your wife if she is not invited. I would tell her you re-thought that and you would visit without her so she better get back on good terms with the stepson or she’s gonna be alone when you go visit him in the future!

Horror_Ad7540 said:

You and your wife need to discuss rules for your son and appropriate discipline. She should not be grounding him without discussing it with you; you should not be negating her punishment without reaching an agreement with her. The two of you need to find a common parenting strategy and stick with it.

These discussions need to take place in private, where your son cannot hear. The rules need to be explained carefully to him. He doesn't have to like them, but he has to know what they are. Ad hoc disciplines should be avoided. (I guess this is an ESH).

UPDATE:

My wife and the kids got home about an hour ago. After we put the kids to bed, we talked. I asked her, after five years of never even attempting to be any sort of mother to my oldest, why she all of a sudden wanted to step into that role.

She said she wasn't trying to parent him, that she was just trying to manage the household, and he wasn't cooperating. I said that wasn't a reason to react the way she did, and he was cooperating by offering to do it later. She said she was overwhelmed and needed it done then so she didn't have to think about it.

I told her it's very important to me that this last summer be a good one, because I don't know when I'll see him again after this. I mentioned how I'm anxious that I won't be able to attend his big events because he might not want her there, and I can't abandon my wife to travel without her.

As I was talking, really rambling more than anything, her eyes lit up. She smiled at me. I thought it was so weird, because I hadn't said anything positive and a moment ago she'd been upset.

I asked what was going on. She said nothing. She then asked me if I meant that. I was confused and asked which part. She asked if I'd choose her over my son. I said I'd never choose anything over my children. She said, but if he invited you to visit him and not me, you wouldn't go? I said I couldn't do that to her, it wouldn't be right.

As a husband, I can't just abandon her unless it was an emergency or something. Obviously I don't want an emergency, so you can see why I'm stressed about this possible future where I go years without seeing my son. She said she understood and it wouldn't happen again, but the whole interaction was so strange.

One moment she was upset and defensive. The next moment she was kissing me and telling me I was going to have a great summer and everything would be okay. The whole thing was so, so odd. I asked her how the barbeque was and she said it was alright, but it would have been better if I was there, which I had no idea how to respond to.

Anyway, I'm typing this in the bathroom. I don't know what to make of this situation. Half of me thinks this is a resolution and I can put it behind me, and maybe the other half is too paranoid from reading so many comments, but that half thinks this is just a symptom of a bigger problem. Either way, my wife is happy, so I'm better off than I was before, I suppose.