'AITA for being at a breaking point with my husband’s made up language?' UPDATED 2X
"AITA for being at breaking point with my husband’s made up language?"
My husband has always been a bit goofy, giving his own names to things and doing impressions. About 18 months ago this started to increase a lot. It’s now a constant presence in our lives and I’m finding it difficult to live with. Examples: He has his own name for most retail outlets, professionals, organizations…
Eatyourgreens (Walgreens), Sharts & Gobbles (Barnes & Noble)
He has about 30-40 everyday words that he insists on using in place of normal ones…
Skuppers (with a rising whistle at the end) ‘yes’
Bing (with a descending whistle) ‘no’
Bagayaya ‘goodnight’
He CONSTANTLY does weird sound impersonations, not like celebrities or characters, but a single noise that’s a made up sound or something childish like a fart from a children’s TV show. He speaks random words like ‘garbage’ or ‘douche bag’ whilst burping or farting. He has made up names for our friends which he uses sometimes even under his breath when we’re out with them
Pam and Will is ‘pig and wig’
I’ve just had enough. We got into bed the other night and I said ‘goodnight’ and he said ‘bagayaya’ in the high pitched voice he always does it in.
I snapped and asked why he couldn’t just speak to me normally and he just laughed and came right up close to my face and did it again. His whistling is constant. He speaks to our kid in this stupid language and I’m worried it’s going to confuse normal language development because he changes the words so often.
Our toddler could be about to hurt themselves and instead of saying ‘no’ or ‘come here’, he’ll say some ridiculous made up word or sound and then get annoyed when our kid doesn’t know what he wants. He’s ‘normal’ in other respects, works in finance and is totally professional around his colleagues but different at home. I told him it needs to stop.
I don’t mind it occasionally or for fun but it’s all the time and it’s wearing me down. He got upset and said I couldn’t take a joke and that I’m not fun any more. It’s true that I’ve become more irritable and noise averse since we had kids but I’m so worn out and over it and just want him to relate to me like an adult.
Not long after posting, OP shared a small update with clarifications.
Edit: to answer some of the frequent questions :)
I do not believe (but am not health qualified) that he displays any symptoms of Tourette, autism, neurological disorders etc, and hasn’t ever done despite this.
2. He is physically well by all measures. He is for sure not having a stroke or significant physical health event.
3. Yes, I can see this could be a reaction to stress.
4. For those asking why I married him…he did not do this, to this extent before we had kids. Occasionally yes with the occasional name or words but not this regular. He is amazing in many ways but this one thing is now too much for me. I don’t feel it’s right to discount him or throw out the whole marriage because of it but it does need to change.
5. He will not go to therapy.
6. We have discussed it calmly, previously, he did not take me seriously or make changes. He sees this as funny and ‘just a joke’. I agree that we need to talk more.
7. Yes it can be funny occasionally. I am not trying to spoil his fun. I also need an adult partner at times and for him to stop when not appropriate.
The internet was not shy with their opinions.
rafty-Addition9105 wrote:
Is this a real post? If it is, you got problems, OP. NTA.
OP responded:
I wish I was joking. I sometimes wonder if lockdown broke something in his brain.
capricioushelen wrote:
NTA. I do this kind of stuff a lot (mostly the one about imitating stuff from shows. I quote random TikToks allll the time, make weird noises to myself, etc.) but I'm more than capable of cutting it out if I have to. I used to say "my guy" all the time until it became a habit. "I don't know about that one, my guy." "All right, my guy."
That one specifically drove my ex up the wall, and when he told me he hated it I made a concentrated effort to stop saying it. The fact he doesn't do this around other people shows he's more than capable of knocking it off when required, and that he's aware, at least on some level, that he's doing it.
The only thing I can suggest, given that your husband doesn't seem receptive to an adult conversation, is that you refuse to engage with him unless he speaks properly. Like if he says "skuppers!" or whatever it was, just act confused and say "sorry, was that a yes or a no?" Basically don't react to these weird made up things he's saying and show him you're not going to play ball any more.
OP responded:
Thanks. Yes I think this is a plan. It’s been going on for so long now that I don’t often have to ask for a translation any more so I tend to still reply to his nonsense. I’m going to stop answering unless he speaks normally.
Chinche1991 wrote:
NAH have you spoken to him directly about the fact you’ve noticed he’s doing this more often? Is it possible he’s falling into this “silly” type of thing to cope with other stresses? I completely understand being annoyed by it, but if the frequency has increased there is certainly a reason for it.
Maybe giving him the opportunity to open up about this in conversation as opposed to a response to you snapping will shed some light and make things easier for everyone involved.
OP responded:
Yes loads of times. A few months ago we had a serious but calm discussion about it and I told him it was too much and I couldn’t take it all the time. He said he didn’t notice he was doing it so I started pointing it out and he got fed up and told me I was being way too picky. I just can’t take it anymore.
I’m sick of reminding him to not be so gross burping and making weird noises whilst we’re having dinner and the high pitched sounds make me want to claw my eyes out. He even does it whilst I’m trying to settle our toddler for bed which just gets him all hyperactive and hard to settle.
kelly08howell wrote:
NTA but kinda, why would you have a kid with someone who refuses to act like an adult. Sounds like he is 12.
OP responded:
He did not act like this before we had kids. He’s an amazing person in many ways but this is a new(er) thing that is grinding my gears.
[deleted] wrote:
Is he stoned?
No, I’d be willing to bet our life savings on the fact that he’s not taking drugs or drinking. It’s pretty constant throughout the day. Thank you though
OP added another comment with context.
He’s always been a big kid in some ways but never like this before. He’s not the loud, obnoxious type, not one for sports night with the boys etc… it’s like it was a small quirk before and now it’s taken over his personality. I think he’d blow up if I suggested it was mental illness though.
Eight months later, OP shared another update.
Update: it’s been several months since I posted this so thought I’d come back to update as requested. He eventually agreed to get checked out - confirmed neurotypical and no other health concerns.
We were referred for marriage counselling and he wouldn’t go. I ended it and am slowly rebuilding my life. Honestly this post was just the tip of the iceberg and I’m exhausted but glad to be out. He also ended up really insulting our close friends and it all spiralled into complete hellfire.
The internet had a lot of questions.
Least-influence3089 wrote:
I’m fascinated to know what else was going on if THIS was the “tip of the iceberg.”
kindly_zucchini7405 wrote:
I...I cannot fathom why this man would do this. Even when you were screaming at him to knock it off, he just...laughs and keeps doing the thing that you clearly hate, and refuses marriage counseling? I don't blame you for leaving, that would be cute maybe once, or in very small doses. But all the time sounds soul draining.
T1nyJazzHands wrote:
My ab#si!e ex used to be childish and annoying in a malicious way. He’d have a s@!t eating grin the whole time, and seemed to really enjoy making me upset. Like he’d do it to the point I’d end up crying and he’d laugh at me. It was like this was the goal. They just don’t care. I think maybe it was a power/control thing weirdly?
Like a way of covertly a#$sing me in a way nobody would take seriously but he knew what he was doing and got a kick out of it, but felt triumphant because he could hide behind the defense of “omg it’s not that serious” you know? He also loved those malicious prank videos that go too far.