'AITA for being cautious about letting my ex back into our daughter's life after 5 years?' UPDATED

Protecting your child is a full-time job, and sometimes that means protecting them from the chaos of their other parent.

"AITA for being cautious about letting my ex back into our daughter's life after 5 years?"

I 29F have a 5F with my ex 32M. We were engaged but never really planned to have kids before marriage or at least for the next few years. I was on the pill and he used protection sometimes but I ended up pregnant. Since it was unplanned. Abortion was on the table. He was more into making it work so both of us decided to keep the baby.

I wasn't emotionally prepared but for him love is all it takes to make everything work. Fast forward 6 months he started to change. He would give me the silent treatment if I do something wrong. He wouldn't engage in any conversation about the baby and would just yell at me if I ask what's wrong. I was almost 8 months pregnant when he told me he's just not ready to be a father and can't do both things.

It's either fatherhood or his career. I was scared to be a single mother so I told him it's fine I can take care of our baby and be a SAHM until things get better for him, but he refused and made it clear everything is over. Since the house was his I left and went to live with my mom until I found myself a place.

I gave birth to my baby girl and he never came to see her. His mother and sister were there for me and to this day they're still part of my daughter's life. As for him he gave up his parental rights and granted me full custody (legally) but was willing to contribute financially through child support (He voluntarily provides financial support in an amicable arrangement).

I'm not proud of it but there are nights I called him just to ask him why did he do that to us. I wasn't even ready but seeing him happy and excited made me think we could make it work together. He never really answered my calls. We used to communicate through his mother or sister or email. I love my baby and won't ever see her as a mistake. I'm still doing my best to be the best mother she deserves.

I have a good paying job now and everything is better than before. Now here's the thing. After 5 years and when I finally feel my life got better and figured out my s**t, he wants to get involved. He's been calling and texting me for a week now. He doesn't regret a thing and he's not asking. He's telling me that he has the right to see his daughter and be there for her.

How can I trust him not to wake up one day and decide being in her life is a mistake and disappear again? He can do that to me but I just don't want my daughter to get hurt. I told him he can see her but not this way. He wants more than just to see her. He even threatened me if I don't agree then he has no problem telling her in the future how I'm the reason she grew up without a father.

His mother and even my mother want me to just let him into my daughter's life with no exceptions. And I'm not comfortable doing that because I know him. WIBTA if I decide on what's best for our daughter or just suck it up and let him in?

The internet had a lot to say in response.

Wolf_dragon_32 wrote:

He gave up his rights to her. He can’t do anything but just blow smoke up your a$$. If he says that he will tell her why she has no father counter that with the truth to his face! He was a coward and wanted his career and gave up his rights to be part of her life. He has no say in her life due to his own choices.

Tell ex to kick rocks and not call you anymore. Tell grandmas that if they try to bring your daughter around him then you will re-evaluate their relationship with her; as you are her mom.

PresentationThat2839 wrote:

Right what rights those rights that he signed away. Okay sure we can see a judge and they can laugh at you. Also tell his mother and sister since he's not legally her father they only rights to visit are what you allow them since they aren't legally daughters family and if they keep taking his side you can cut them out.

Necessary_Future_275 wrote:

He gave up his rights. That literally means he has NO rights! What a terrible person he is. I would not trust him. First he wants a baby then when it’s too late for an ab*rtion he doesn’t and you have to raise her on your own then 5 years later he DEMANDS to be in her life.

He’s entitled to nothing yet egotistical and selfish enough to still believe what he wants is all that matters. How long before he changes his mind again and breaks your daughter’s heart the same way he broke yours?

OP responded:

This is what I'm afraid of. I don't want her to go through that.

RNGinx wrote:

“He doesn’t regret a thing and he’s not asking. He’s telling me he has the right to see his daughter and be there for her.” She’s not his daughter though, he gave up his parental rights. He no longer has a daughter.

Honestly, his demand and the way he claims he “regrets nothing”? I wouldn’t let him near her. She’s not a toy he can pick up and discard as the mood suits him, and bouncing in and out of her life (with no regrets for abandoning her and you) is not good role model, or father, material. NTA.

linlou1234 wrote:

I don’t know what the hell happened for him to flip a switch and suddenly demand to see your daughter, but I would consult with a lawyer. Document everything (keep text messages and phone calls - don’t block him though; let him continue to dig his own grave).

Since he already gave up his rights, he doesn’t have a leg to stand on, but I would still contact a lawyer to make sure! I don’t know what country you’re from, but I can’t see a judge siding with a man who willingly gave up rights and custody of their child and has not seen their child in 5 years and the fact he’s already stated he will weaponize that against you is pretty damning.

You don’t get to be a parent when you feel like it, and regardless, if you let him have visitations, there’s going to be a gap in her first 5 years that he wasn’t present for, and he’ll have to answer for that.

You already have sole and physical custody of your daughter, he has no choice, but to follow what you say. Like stated above, consult with a lawyer, because some of the things he’s said like, “he wants more than just to see her…” and he proceeded to threaten you with parental alienation!?! No! talk with a lawyer and ignore his mother and sister - in reality, you could have cut them off when he gave up his rights.

OP responded:

Exactly, I don't know how. He never answered my calls for two years and never wanted to see her for 5 years and now out of nowhere he's blowing up my phone demanding a relationship with her and expecting me to just let him in. Thank you for the advice 🙌🏻

Two days later, OP shared an update.

He didn't stop with the calls and texts and I read some of the comments wondering why he suddenly wants to be in my daughter's life so I agreed to meet up with him and discuss everything yesterday. We talked for about 30 mins.

30 mins of me trying to explain to him that he literally gave up his parental rights years ago and there's no need for threatening since he legally has no right to see her if I don't allow him.

While he was focused on expressing how I haven't changed and complimenting my body. His comments became too much so I decided to just leave but I noticed he was wearing a ring on his right hand and didn't hesitate to ask him about it. He said he proposed a few weeks ago but he thinks he rushed things. I asked him if she knows about my daughter and if this is why he's here.

He said no she still doesn't know and he genuinely wants to be part of his daughter's life. He basically spent 30 mins flirting with no shame that he's engaged and showed no sign of being genuinely interested in getting involved. I told him to just forget about my daughter but if he wants to we can see a judge and they can laugh at him.

He threatened to cut financial support and I made it clear I never really needed his help. Sending me $1000 once or twice a year with his sister was already no help and I can give back his money if he wants to. Now I know what I did wrong but it was the only way to get the answer I needed. On my way home I called his sister and lied about how things went.

I said that he told me everything and how his fiancée encourages him to be a better person and I think that's why he wants in which is a good thing. His sister told me everything I needed to know. How his fiancée has a good heart and how she didn't like it when she discovered that he has a daughter but never saw her before. She basically wouldn't have said yes if he didn't promise to try and fix things.

So both his mother and sister knew the reason he wanted to get back into my daughter's life and his mother encouraged me to let him in without even being honest with me. So all this wasn't about my daughter. It was about him and impressing his fiancée who was horrified that he wants nothing to do with his daughter.

My mother gets it now but his mother called the same day asking what's the plan now. I told her there's no plan. He could have just given me full custody but he wanted nothing to do with her to the point he decided to sign away his rights. And he seemed already fine with the relationship they have which is none.

She tried to make me consider letting him in because at the end it's my daughter's decision. My daughter is 5 years old what decision?? Anyway I made it clear to her that both her and her daughter legally aren't my child's family and from now on there will be no alone time with her. And if they keep pressing me I can easily cut them out.

I will discuss this with a lawyer though. I have everything documented and I'm sure he doesn't have a leg to stand on but still. Just in case he tries something.

And let me show you some of his texts that I'm very tempted to get his fiancée's number and send her some screenshots.

"Who sees you now would never tell you weren't ready for this. you look happier"

"You know I really didn't know how much I missed you until I saw you today"

"Good night beautiful kiss (my daughter's name) for me"

I don't know if I'm just overreacting but if my fiancé texts his ex this way. I for sure won't find it acceptable.

By the way with him back. I realized that I never really dealt with the way he broke my heart. Maybe I cried but I had to figure out my life as soon as I could for the sake of my daughter. When I gave birth all I started thinking about was my daughter. Even the nights I called him it was never to ask about 'me' it was always about 'us'. I was scared and not ready to be a mom.

And now that I'm a mother I've never felt this strong. I don't know what I'm trying to say here but I'm glad how my life turned out. Thank you for the advice. I'm glad I gathered the courage to see him. I feel so much better. At least now I know I don't have to worry about him shaking my baby's life up 🙌🏻🤍🤍

The comments kept coming in.

henchwench89 wrote:

I'm sorry you have to deal with this jerk OP. So many people in your og post called it. He’s only interested in your daughter because of his new woman. Honesty block him and go very lc with his family because they are not looking out for your or your daughter's best interest.

OP responded:

Thank you. I'm planning to do that but he's still not done with the threats about telling lies to my daughter. I'm trying to gather everything I can before I block him.

Actual-Offer-127 wrote:

Yeah, if I was his fiancee I would thank you if you told me about this. He's lying to her with the help of his family. That poor girl is getting blind sided. She thinks he should reconnect with his daughter because she probably has a good heart. I feel bad for her.

AlternativePrior9559 wrote:

You are honestly a Lioness OP♥️ My heart sank when you discovered - ´tactically - that no one in his family (obviously him) is capable of telling the truth. I am not surprised you cried. He walked out on you when you were 8 months pregnant.

You had to sink or swim and you chose to swim for your beautiful daughter’s sake. You never grieved the relationship and it was a traumatic event. He is a snake and a liar and I feel sorry for his new woman who sounds as though her intentions were good. See a lawyer OP and try to ensure that this whole family stay far away from your girl. Sending you courage.

OP responded:

Thank you so much. This comment brought tears to my eyes 🙌🏻 🤍 Yes his fiancée seems like a good person but I hope she doesn't make it all about my daughter and force it. She can't change him and if anything he will just keep troubling me for nothing.

cassowary32 wrote:

Ask the sister for the fiancée's number, say he forgot to give it to you.

Something tells me you'll be bonding over his abandoned children in a few years.

OP responded:

Love the idea🙌🏻 shared trauma makes for great bounding material 😂🙌🏻🤍

First_Alfalfa2805 wrote:

If you do have his fiance's contact information, you can send the messages, but to be honest, he will make your life a living hell. I'd leave that part alone,she'll find out who he is eventually. I recommend blocking him,his mother, and his sister. Block them from your daughter's life because if you let them see your child, they will invite him to be with her.

I don't think that he has a leg to stand on in court, but please make sure to see your lawyer. This man is a jerk and a user. Don't let him into your daughter's life,he doesn't genuinely want to be a part of her life. It's all to impress a woman. Plz get your child a million miles away from those people.