'AITA for being frustrated with my rich boyfriend for trying to give me money advice?'
"AITA for being frustrated with my rich boyfriend for trying to give me money advice?"
My boyfriend (24M) and I (24F) are moving in together in June. We have been together for 3.5 years. I have been in grad school for the past few years, have significant student loan debt and will not have any steady income until September after I graduate and start my job.
I have some money in savings so am planning to use that to survive and pay rent the next few months. He was trying to be helpful and help me create a budget but kept overstepping and making me feel stupid. I don’t think this was his intentions but I felt very frustrated and I told him to back off as I felt he just couldn’t understand.
For context, he makes a ton of money, has a trust fund, a huge inheritance coming his way in a few years, and he receives from his parents yearly THREE TIMES the amount I am trying to survive on for the next 6 months.
So financially we are on different planets.
He said something along the lines of “you’re lucky I love you and am paying more for rent because it’s not really equal” (he is paying 2:1 based on his income, family money and my debt which we agreed on).
I kind of lost it on him. I told him he has no idea what it’s like and his advice means nothing to me because he comes at it with such a sense of privilege. Of course he took this the wrong way and stormed out and said not to talk to him. AITA for getting frustrated with him and bringing up our differences in finances?
Not long after posting, OP shared an edit with more context.
Edit: for context, my hard situation is that I am in graduate school and am getting paid via grants (very little amounts) it’s confusing. He was trying to help me be less stressed and tbf had really good intentions. I felt like he wouldn’t let me figure it out on my own despite me saying over and over I wanted to because frankly he was just making me more stressed.
He has not and never has made any comments about what I spend my money on. I had also found out he had taken my post grad job salary and made a note of how I should budget it which I found insulting and overstepping. I am financially literate and have a lot in savings, I am good with money overall.
I just have been in school now for 7 years for an advanced degree and at the moment am low on funds. I also have had a conversation w him and he has apologized for the “you’re lucky” comment. He realizes that even the amount we are splitting isn’t equitable and says he didn’t mean it that way.
The internet did not hold back one bit.
Hellya-soloud wrote:
I would get angry too if a "partner" with FREE money was telling me the sharing terms "aren't equal" when neither is the ability for you to pay equally. The fact is it's still not equal if he has 3:1 and he pays only 2:1. I know you expect to earn "later" but that's not the case right now.
It's not clear what advice you're rejecting and maybe you spend too much on superficial things (or not), but the whole "you're lucky I love you" (because I will always have more but I will expect you to pay half as soon as possible???) seems controlling and would be a major turn off, so I'm not surprised you got upset.
Wages between the sexes are rarely equal so apparently he will expect you to pay as much as possible going forward (and be broke and therefor he will continue to try to control you) while he swims around in his inheritance money. NTA.
atyie45MAs78 wrote:
Is there a reason you haven't mentioned the sticking point of your budget that you can't figure out? What is the expense exactly? Is it essential?
OP responded:
I just have confusing income right now as I am only making money on grants in graduate school and the way I’m paid is confusing and weird. He kept pressuring me to get a hold on it, and he is right I do need to.
He was not telling me to spend less on things I enjoy or anything like that. It just was constant pressure and I kept telling him I would figure it out, but he kept butting in until I snapped.
ModelChef4000 wrote:
I slightly disagree. in general you shouldn't pull the "you're lucky" card, but OP hasn't provided much context. Its possible OP isn't wise with money and is only able to stay afloat because of her boyfriend and he said that out of frustration (which isn't good)
We really need OP to explain her budget.
OP responded:
I am wise with money, I am currently living w my parents and off my very little income coming from grants I am still saving. I am just in a hard situation w grad school. I am by no means drowning or deeply struggling. He does not pay for anything for me besides date nights here and there (which I also pay for on occasion).
He was not telling me to spend less money on things I enjoy but just trying to help me get a grasp on what I can spend monthly until I start my job in September. Which is important. He just kept butting in when I told him I would figure it out and eventually I snapped.
Traditional_taro8156 wrote:
As a mom of someone about your age, I'd say to stay with your parents UNTIL you start that job and have a few paychecks in the bank. You are not self-sufficient and honestly cannot be a equal-ish member at this point AND THAT'S OKAY. You're still in school.
Right now if you move in, you're like his dependent. Wait until you're a "career woman" for lack of a better word, when you are more equal. You've been together for 3 years, what's another 6 or so months? NTA.
OP responded:
Part of the situation is that his lease is over in june so he needs a new place then. I do have a job lined up, but work in the schools so I can’t start until September. The money will be coming, it’s just 6 months or so until I can get it.
Glittering_Dark_1582 wrote:
I don’t tend to trust people who get money from mommy and daddy without actually working for it for financial advice. That’s like someone who got liposuction to get rid of abdominal fat giving advice to someone on eating right and exercising as the way to lose that fat. NTA.
Original_Thanks_9435 wrote:
NTA and his comment that “you’re lucky I love you” and calling out the inequity is a huge AH move on his behalf. Perhaps he’d be happier if you moved elsewhere so he wouldn’t feel how much of a burden you are while he lives on INHERITANCE money.
He may work but doesn’t understand that most people NEED to work to pay bills and don’t get supplemental income 3x’s a year from mommy and daddy. In fact, too. many of us are now helping parents out of bad financial choices.
Treefrog_ninja wrote:
"You're lucky I love you," is kind of gross, especially in an unbalanced financial dynamic. Like, get over yourself, pal. Do you really honestly think your girlfriend is just as special as you are, cause it doesn't sound like it.
NTA, OP. Your bf is just being a run-of-the-mill pampered kid who is accustomed to being praised for every semi-intelligent thing that comes out of his mouth, and was angry at you for not looking up to him in gratitude for his tone-deaf analysis and patronizing advice. Hopefully, he sees a more moderate perspective when he cools down.
Edit: Ooh, first time there was ever a reply to a comment of mine that was deleted for being uncivil. Looks like I struck a nerve.
mrsroperscaftan wrote:
“You’re lucky” and “it’s not really equal” are not phrases I’d want to hear from my SO. He might want to help you but he’s got a hell of a way of saying and showing it. You’re def NTA. I’d be concerned, for future reference, that when you ARE able to work that your income still won’t match his and it will continue to be an “it’s not equal” type of relationship and that will be an issue.