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'AITA for being mad at the best man’s GF for making him choose between a dog and our wedding?' UPDATED 2X

'AITA for being mad at the best man’s GF for making him choose between a dog and our wedding?' UPDATED 2X

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Some people will make their own preferences everyone else's issue to manage.

"AITA for being mad at the best man’s Gf for making him choose between a dog and our wedding?"

My fiancé (M29) and I (f26) got engaged last October after 6 years together and plan to marry this October. We both have a very complicated families so we thought a lot about our wedding and decided that we just want peace and don’t want to worry about all the family drama.

So we planned to get marry in Italy with only our best man and maid of honor. It’s only a 4 hour drive to a small city we once discovered on a road trip. We invited my maid of honor / his best man to the wedding (call him Mike, M29) and told them that they could bring there significant other also.

The trip would be fully paid and Mike is my fiancé best friend since kindergarten. Mike's girlfriend (let’s call her Courtney, f28) and him are together for 3 years. We were very welcoming towards her and I befriended her also. We did a lot of things together, helped them move and build their home.

Mike and Courtney are getting a dog (hopefully in September) so Mike told us he needed a different hotel because the one we choose is not dog friendly and at the time of our wedding (October) they would probably have the dog. We apologised and looked for another hotel. Than he texted that Courtney thinks the dog wouldn’t make the long drive which we understood.

We said that there are friends and family who could take the dog but Courtney doesn’t want that. Mike told us that Courtney would probably stay home with the dog and he would travel alone. Here comes the drama: the following day Mike wrote us he will not come to our wedding because Courtney doesn’t want to be alone with the dog for the weekend and she also would like to attend the wedding.

Courtney wrote to me that we could change our wedding month or the place (maybe just a wedding in our hometown) so that they could come. I said no. If we married in our hometown the families would want to attend and all the drama between parents and siblings would stress us out.

My fiancé asked Mike again if he couldn’t come alone and he finally told us that Courtney threatened to end the relationship if he doesn’t stay with her (and the dog). My fiancé was absolutely sad and disappointed and told Mike his feelings. He’s normally not over emotional but that was hard for him.

Courtney wrote me the following day as if nothing has happened and I told her that I’m absolutely disappointed in her and can’t understand her behaviour and how she puts this dog (who is in absolutely no danger or need to have two people dog sitting him) over our wedding and kind of excepted her to apologise for all the stress she put us through.

She called me an insensitive and offensive person, a bride-zilla who wants her wedding above everything and said she couldn’t accept my behaviour even if I apologised. I just can’t comprehend why I should apologise? I feel like I can express to friends if I’m disappointed and I absolutely didn’t wrote anything offensive.

Redditors were fully with OP.

BulbasaurRanch wrote:

Woah what the f**k.

That girl is way out of line, that’s some crazy behaviour.

There is zero valid reason Mike can’t attend. He’s pretty spineless too himself to allow her to dictate his plans like this. Courtney is the kind of person not worth knowing. I’d begin to exclude her from everything, but continue to invite Mike to things. Eventually he will realize that she is preventing him from doing things. NTA.

OP responded:

Ok, thanks I really couldn’t understand her either and started doubting myself. My birthday is in two weeks and I wrote Mike that I don’t want her to attend because I’m too mad about all that and he wrote me back that she said that doesn’t want to see me (or my fiancé for the next months) even if I apologise.. so I guess not seeing her will be an easy thing.

deathandtaxes2023 wrote:

NTA - and I feel a bit sorry for Mike tbh. They don't even have a dog yet - I think even looking for another hotel so that their currently non-existant dog could travel with them was incredibly accommodating of you. There are several solutions available to them: wait and get a dog after the wedding; have a family member dog sit; put the dog into kennels; have courtney stay home with the dog.

But the only solutions Courtney feels are acceptable would be for Mike to miss his best friends wedding (where he is to be best man) or for you to completely change your wedding dates or venue to accommodate their currently non-existent dog. You have nothing to apologise for.

There is something else going on with Courtney. I really hope that Mike does go to the wedding because I think he will regret it later if he doesn't.

Charming_Sandwich_53 wrote:

Mike and Courtney are PITAs. They are trying to get y'all to reschedule and re-locate your wedding over a dog that they don't even own yet?

I am a dog parent who has no children so I am overprotective of my pack, but they are acting insane. All of our dogs have learned to love road trips, and when it is not feasible to bring them, they would go to a pet lodge. Is there a reason that they need to adopt prior to the wedding? Oy vez. They are difficult. You are definitely NTA.

OP responded:

Yes, I get that dogs are a very important part of the owners life so we tried to make it work. We even wanted to change the hotel so that we would all (dog included) stay together in one hotel. But as you said, we won’t relocate our wedding. It’s our dream and they way we feel comfortable. They want to get the dog from a breeder.

The dog's not pregnant yet, but will soon be and if the dogs has more than 3 babies they would get one. The breeder gives the puppies away after 12 weeks and won’t take them longer than that. If they don’t get the puppy in September he‘ll sell it to another person. That’s what they told us.

Ok-Independence5335 wrote:

NTA. So you organised an out of town wedding to avoid family drama and ended with friend drama. Sorry! Is she jealous that you’re getting married and she’s not? It seems weird to cause all this mess over a hypothetical dog. But then some people love to do that.

OP responded:

Yes, I now see the irony in trying to have a dramafree wedding. She kind of ruined the relaxed vibe for us.

The next day, OP shared an update.

UPDATE: We discussed sending this thread to 'Mike“ but decided ultimately against it as he first wanted to talk to "Mike“ himself (before revealing that I posted the whole thing on the internet). They met in secret yesterday (Courtney was at work) and Mike broke down crying. It’s been super stressful for him. He had asked his family (especially his mum) to dog sit but Courtney declined.

His mother was furious that he would miss my fiancés wedding (she loves him!) but Courtney told her that she had changed her mind and decided to let Mike go but that I then wrote her an offensive and mean message so they decided against it. Mike lost it at that and told his family that she had never allowed him and that my message wasn’t mean at all.

He really told her that he wants to go and she should just live with that. She cried a lot and he felt bad. My fiancé told him that he asked another friend of them (who has a little child) to come and he said yes. His wife even asked us if we wanted her and the baby to come (she would understand if that’s too much) but we were happy to also invite them.

Mike cried after hearing this and realised that he will NOT attend our wedding now because of Courtney. Today Mike wrote my husband that Courtney told him that she was overreacting because she had the feeling he wouldn’t value the dog and that it’s a good practice thing for a baby. She doesn’t want to apologise to us but would accept if he goes to the wedding.

I think Mike's family made very clear that they think she’s crazy for this and she wants to be viewed as a good person. My fiancés said that he won’t change that back and that Mike sadly will miss the wedding because we can’t be sure that there is no more drama with Courtney. I know that this is hard for my fiancé but he hopes that Mike realises now what Courtney will cost him now and the future.

Thanks for all the good wishes and I’m happy to be married in Italy this October - without Courtney! <3

People were invested in the update.

ExcellentCold7354 wrote:

If this is practice for a baby, imagine how horrible she'll be once she gets pregnant/gives birth. That'd be a hard pass for me on the both of them, until Courtney is out of the picture.

HumbleConfidence3500 wrote:

All this drama happened because Mike has no backbone. He could have said she's crazy I'm not missing my best friend's wedding for a hypothetical puppy and put his foot down strongly. There would be no drama (at least none circling back to OP, Mike's life will always have drama as long as he's with crazy girl).

msfinch87 wrote:

This was never about the dog, if she even intended to get a dog. This was about Courtney being jealous, possessive and having main character syndrome. She couldn’t stand OP and her fiancé’s wedding being important to Mike so she wanted to throw a spanner in it. Mike’s life will be miserable if he doesn’t get rid of her.

SmashedBrotato wrote:

The brass f#$king balls it must take to ask someone else to move their wedding date for a hypothetical puppy.

Two months later, OP shared another update.

Hey, it’s been nearly two months so I guess I could post an update because you helped me so much. Maybe it’s not interesting to anybody but I feel grateful for all the text message and comments from a while ago. It’s a sad update. My fiancé tried to stay friends with Mike - how you suggested - despite the hurt that he caused him and the strain this had on our soon-to-be-married-happiness.

The wedding topic was totally dropped between them and my fiancé took a great effort to only see him while Courtney isn’t around so that he could always talk to him about problems. Mike has his birthday in a couple of weeks and my fiancé told him that we would come - despite the hurt and everything - if he wants us too.

He also said that his friendship with Mike is important to him so we would be open to talk to Courtney if she ever wants to apologize. That was the downfall of the friendship between them.

While Mike revealed shortly after the fight that he thinks Courtney was over the top and dramatic (and a little bit crazy) and she bl*ckmailed him to cancel being best man (otherwise she would have ended the relationship) he suddenly said that he can understand Courtney now and he has to stay loyal to her.

He said straight to the face of my fiancé: "Now I also think it’s more important to stay with Courtney the weekend of your wedding to watch the puppy together. I don’t think she has anything to apologise and maybe you two should apologise to her. I can’t understand why you are mad at her.“

My fiancé was in total shook and said to him: "Thanks for letting me know your true feelings“. He asked him if they could talk (just the two of them) one last time but Mike declined. He would only met with my fiancé if "all four of us are present“ because "Courtney and him have no secrets between them“ and he doesn’t see any sense in talking to my fiancé alone. That was the final straw.

Not being able to meet together without Courtney? We cut absolutely ALL contact to Mike and my fiancé grieves him like he is death. All of our shared friends took our side and tried to talk some sense into Mike but he doesn’t listen.

So thank you for the tips - it was right to try to leave the door open for Mike but all the emotional hurt my fiancé has endured is now enough. Sadly it’s not a happy-end with a separation from Courtney as most of you has hoped.

The internet had a lot to say in response.

Easy_Palpitation3008 wrote:

As sad as it is to hear could see this coming. He chose her over him in the first place probably will end up being isolated from all his friends in the end because he is letting her control his life might be an idea to keep the door slightly open for when he finally wakes up and realizes he is all alone and need support.

Piali123 wrote:

That is a very sad development. Thanks for sharing. Did your fiancé speak directly to Mike, or was this communicated via text/mail. Sounds like Courtney dictated the message. If I remember right, your fiancé has a good relationship with Mike's parents.

Perhaps a good idea if your fiancé shares directly with them what has transpired and not leave them to only have Mike's/Courtney's version. I would not be too surprised if Mike comes out of the relationship after some time - maybe years - and is broken from emotional/mental abuse. I hope you can be there for him then.

Witty_Present_794 wrote:

Although we know words cannot describe the pain and disappointment that you and your fiancé are feeling from this ordeal, at the very least you guys now know where does Mike’s final stand.

Based on your past posts, though Mike has expressed frustration about Courtney and despite with his friends and family support, he did not show any effort to improve his situation which is obviously with Courtney having a say in everything. It will definitely be a sad and lonely road for him from here on.

Angel_Eirene wrote:

Hey OP, if I may be so crass, I do have a few suggestions. You’re free to ignore them, specially if your hurt for Mike is still strong, but maybe at least one of these will help. First, it’s worth noting that Courtney is most likely ab#sive, in a psychological and emotional way. For him to have such a change of heart, such a “no secrets” attitude, and an insistence on involving her in every part of his life.

That’s a classic abu#e technique, she’s isolating him from anyone who would counter her goals, and ensuring that the only people he’s with are vetted by her. Now. I’m not saying you keep trying with Mike, frankly he’s a broken and insecure fool who let his relationships be sabotaged by someone who cares more about their manicure than about their man. So f#$k that.

But maybe keep in contact with Mike’s mom and family, make an effort to keep in contact with her just in case, and so that should he realise that Courtney’s a crazy b#$ch, he knows that he still has a few people looking out for him. (Also to let his mother know of Courtney’s bulls#$t).

And for your soon to be husband. If he’s grieving, get him to write a letter expressing his emotions. any worry over Mike, all his anger at him, and calmly and directly express why he’s upset and saying goodbye (maybe with an “if you see the light, call” message as well, if your fiancée still has that in his heart. Though he doesn’t owe Mike anything).

It’s a good strategy with people who are dying, or for the families of those who died, because it helps get the emotions out. Your husband just has the added benefit that the person can still read it.

And then after the letter, let go. It’s all either of you can do, and it’s not something that you even have to give Mike. You can give it to his mother, or store it in a closet. But it’ll help let go of everything, whatever you decide.

Rosalie-83 wrote:

D*mn. So sad. I hope Mikes family can talk better sense into him, he’s obviously being manipulated by her, but you can’t help until he’s ready. I’ll pray it’s before she gets “accidentally” pregnant.

Sources: Reddit
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