'AITA for being okay with my family skipping my wedding because they won’t accept my friend?' UPDATED 2X

"AITA for being okay with my parents (and family) not attending my wedding because they won’t accept my friend?"

I (28F) am marrying my fiancé (32M) in March. I was in my parents home recently and I was telling them about our wedding party, which is going to include a male friend of mine as a groomsman.

For some background. This male friend, we’ll call him Stephen, went to high school with me and is a post op trans man. My fiancé said he’d love to have Stephen as a groomsman, and i asked Stephen and he was delighted!

Then, I told my parents, and they were like “oh we didn’t realize she (yep, she) was going to be actually in the wedding. She’ll be in all the photographs, we don’t think that’s appropriate.”

So I was obviously instantly mad. They then said that they weren’t going to be comfortable attending and being in all the photographs with her (yep, her again), and that I would need to remove Stephen from the wedding party if I wanted them to come to the wedding.

So I basically told them that if they weren’t comfortable they didn’t have to come. I left, came home and immediately transferred them the money for the wedding dress. I then get a phone call from my mother telling me that they will pay for the whole wedding if I remove Stephen. Basically bribing us. I just told her I needed space and I hung up.

That was three days ago and I haven’t spoken to them. I’m shocked because they have never spoken ill of Stephen before! I’m upset that they would show so little respect to someone who is so important to me. I am also upset that they have so little respect for me that they think I would turn my back on a lifelong friend for money.

I don’t know if I should speak to them in a few days when everything has calmed down, or if I should leave it to them. A few people I’ve spoken to have said I’m being a bit of an AH because they’re my parents, and they have a right to an opinion even if it’s something I don’t agree with.

That I’ll regret them not being at my wedding and that realistically it will ruin our relationship. I’ve had aunts and uncles calling me saying that this will tear our family apart and I’m being selfish. A cousin texted me to say that I’m choosing friends over family and that she and her parents won’t be attending if my parents aren’t, and the same for other members of the family.

So it’s basically blew up into this huge deal where a good portion of my family will likely not attend either! My view is that I don’t think it’s selfish to want to celebrate my day with everyone I love. I feel like the ball is in their court and they have the choice to come or allow their bigotry to stop them attending their only child's wedding!

Also to be clear I am 100% not removing Stephen from my wedding or taking the money, I’m not considering either option (my fiancé is in full agreement). But I just want to know if I’m the asshole for so easily accepting that my parents (and by default a lot of my family) won’t be coming to my wedding?

The internet had a lot to say.

odeorain wrote:

Nope. You are absolutely 100% NTA. Although the internet is full of some horrible people who are probably going to come in here and tell you otherwise. I would have absolutely done the same thing for any of my trans friends.

And the thing is, you get married (in theory) ONCE in your life, and the fact that your parents would rather stand by their bigotry than attend your wedding just goes to show how deep that hatred and misunderstanding runs.

They are absolutely TAs in this situation. And I really, really hope you understand how wonderful and supportive of a friend you are being. What you have done for Stephen is a perfect example of how allies should act.

I don't know how recently this conversation was, but if it is really fresh then give it some time. Then I would call them up and say you really wanted your parents at your wedding, but this is absolutely something you are standing your ground on, and while you won't stand for them saying or doing anything to hurt Stephen, if they would like to attend and keep their opinions to themselves then they are still invited.

This is ONLY if you actually want them there and you think they wouldn't ruin your wedding by being unable to hold their opinions to themselves. Don't let other people judging you convince you to extend the invitation back to them. If it's more important to you to keep a totally safe space for Stephen then by all means make them stay far away from the ceremony.

My parents are both equally as hateful towards the LGBT+ community and POC, and I would absolutely do the same thing that you did if they expressed issues with my wedding party. Because of that though I also understand how bad it can hurt when you realize that your parents can hate more fiercely than their love for you runs.

I doubt any of your friends passing the judgement on you have taken even a second to consider how raw and abandoned you might feel deep beneath the anger. But this wedding is about YOU and your husband, and if that includes Stephen then don't let anyone tell you different.

Take care of yourself and don't let anyone try to take your moment away from you. I think you are a brave ally and a wonderful friend. Stephen is lucky to have you. I hope you have a beautiful wedding and a happy marriage. You deserve it!

OP responded:

Thank you, you’ve sort of hit the nail on the head, I feel very hurt that they would feel this way but also that they would let those feelings get in the way of something so important to me. Also thank you for saying I’m a good friend.

Honestly it’s not hard to be a good friend to him because he is such an amazing person. I’ve been lucky beyond measure to have him in my life for the last 14 years and to know he’s in my corner for life!

PoliticalMilkman wrote:

I think it would be a good idea to mention that phrase if you do get the chance to have a discussion- “It is disappointing to see you would choose to hate someone more than you love me.” It May make them take a look at themselves. Also NTA, obviously.

ceeceetop wrote:

NTA. It's your wedding, not theirs. If they won't come to celebrate and support you on your big day because they don't like one of your guests then they are the ones being selfish. And trying to bribe you into changing the situation is just childish. Looks to me like they are trying to buy your loyalty.

It's not like your friend committed m-rder or arson or anything that is ACTUALLY bad. Your friend hasn't hurt anyone. They switched gender.s So what? Your family need to get over themselves. Good luck and enjoy your wedding. I hope your marriage is long and blissful!

[deleted] wrote:

NTA. People are quick to dish out the ‘everyone has the right to an opinion’ in these situations but seem to forget that everyone else has the right to take issue with and challenge that opinion. What they’ve asked you to do is unfair and your parents need to reassess their position here.

After receiving some support, OP jumped on with an update.

UPDATE: First off I want to say thank you for all the lovely comments, and for people taking the time to weigh in! I tried to keep up with them all and I just couldn’t, so I’m so sorry if I couldn’t get to your comment! Just to be very clear, I was not asking if I am asshole for standing up for my friend, I stand by my actions 100%.

I am trying to figure out if I should have done more to convince my parents to come rather than simply accepting they won’t be there. I am going to take the advice many of you have suggested and have another sit down with my parents and reiterate my feelings.

I will be firm with them and remind them that they are welcome to come but that if they do I expect them to be kind and courteous to all!

I will do an update when I speak to them, thank you again internet x

Two days later, OP shared another update.

Just wanted to do an update since everyone was just so kind and helpful in the comments! I met my parents for lunch yesterday, and just laid everything out. I stood my ground and explained to them that Stephen would be in the wedding and that I wouldn’t be accepting any money from them.

I asked them why none of this has come up before and they basically said they’ve been holding their tongues and this has just brought it all to a head. So they’ve basically always had this issue, but I suppose have never had a reason to bring it up, because they didn’t want to start a fight.

At the moment we are at a bit of an impasse, they are still saying they won’t be attending. But I have reiterated that if they can put their feelings aside they are welcome, no questions asked on the day. My only requirement is that they are kind and courteous to all in attendance.

So I guess we will just have to wait and see! I have sent a message to my cousins explaining the situation and I’ve yet to hear back so that’s up in the air too. I feel like I also need to say that I have spoken to Stephen about this. I know a lot of people said I shouldn’t speak to him about it, but that just wasn’t an option for us.

We have a very open friendship and we are always honest with each other! He always would have known something was up if a big chunk of my family just suddenly weren’t at my wedding! He was obviously very upset, and he immediately offered to step back from the wedding party.

Both my fiancé and I were adamant about how important it was for us that he remain part of the wedding. My fiancé said that he is an important part of our lives and it would mean a lot if he was standing up there beside him. We all cried a bit, and ultimately he’s staying!

So that’s really where we are at right now, it’s not an ideal situation of course. It has made me question my relationship with my family, especially regarding where we fall on obvious topics. I don’t think I want to completely cut them from my life, but I think it will be difficult going forward regardless of whether they attend the wedding or not.

I’ll admit I was probably naive when it came to their views on a lot of things, because honestly it has never affected my life before. That’s probably a selfish way to have lived but I’ll put my hands up and admit that’s how it’s been. Anyway, thank you again to everyone who commented it has been really amazing to see the overwhelmingly kind comments! X

The comments kept coming.

sorensloethe wrote:

The ball is 100 % in their court, no point in even discussing it at this point. You've very clearly explained the situation to them, you've even given them an out for their archaic views, and they still refuse to play ball.

I know how important my parents are to me, and I to them, so I can't even fathom the fact that they won't put this aside and be there for your wedding.

"Both my fiancé and I were adamant about how important it was for us that he remain part of the wedding."

Good!

"I’ll admit I was probably naive when it came to their views on a lot of things, because honestly it has never affected my life before. That’s probably a selfish way to have lived but I’ll put my hands up and admit that’s how it’s been."

Nah, don't do that. You're not responsible for their views on anything, and even though you can of course try to affect them whenever you see fit, there's nothing you can do if they won't change their minds on something. That's not naive in my book, it's picking your battles in the interest of preserving the relationship with your parents.

I'm guessing they're not all bad, seeing as they were invited in the first place. Parents are a support system in a lot of ways, I know mine sure as hell are, they're supposed to be there when no one else is, and I don't think you can be faulted for wanting to keep it that way by turning a blind eye to some of their views because they're too different from yours.

I hope your wedding goes off without a hitch (no pun intended, I swear), and regardless of whether your parents and extended family show or not, you'll have a hell of a time :-)

kage6885 wrote:

I am happy that you are standing your ground and letting them know they can still come, but that they would have to be respectful to all. It was also good that you talked to him and let him know how much he means to both of you.

You are going about this the right way, if you ever second guess yourself.

besamicula wrote:

Just another way to look at it--- you grew up with everything out in the open with internet and phones and s-xuality. Your parents didn't grow up with that. Kids back then didn't have everything kids do now.

Openly LGBT was never an open thing back then even up to early 90s. Being it wasn't as open therefore no one knew how to deal with it. Make sense? Sorry your parents can't just accept it for one night is a shame. It will be a loss for you but an even bigger loss for them if they don't come. I wouldn't say anymore about it.

They know you want them there. Balls in their court, don't mention it again. I had a similar issue. Being it was never brought up, not until after the fact. Didn't know my parents felt the way they did. Had a nice discussion about it. They then said, why didn't you introduce us. Like I said this was after everything.

My parents would of talked to him and would thought he was nice. People hid their preferences back then, so no, they had no idea how to handle it or talk about it. I wasn't exposed to it until college. They are just as normal as anyone else. So I'm glad you stuck up for your friend. Your parents want to blow it on one little thing, let them. This is your day Not theirs.

totalitarianbnapbp wrote:

I don’t know if you plan on having kids or not, but heaven forbid you do and one of your kids comes out later on as gay or trans...or is born with something else that your parents suddenly decide isn’t acceptable.

My son has autism and looks normal but his behaviour can be pretty embarrassing for my family. A lot of them have distanced themselves from us and we don’t get invited to events (public or otherwise) because they don’t know how to ask us not to bring our child who is now three.

I didn’t ever think handflapping and a bit of rocking from a little boy who looks like a cherub would be such an issue, okay, and some drooling. It’s apparently a huge issue. He’s an embarrassment and a source of great shame to them. It pisses me off that they feel that way.

I feel bad introducing my children to such AHs. They treat our second child who is a year younger so, so well that it’s heart breaking. I cringe to think this could be your situation too. Its always heart breaking when you realize your parents aren’t the people you grew up idolizing. FWIW I think you did the right thing.