'AITA for being uncomfortable with my wife staying friends with her BFF who says I hit on her?' UPDATED 2X

Where there's smoke, there's generally fire -- this applies triple-fold when it comes to toxic friendships.

"Am I wrong for being uncomfortable with my wife being friends with her friend after something she accused me of?"

My wife and I have this mutual friend (ex-friend for me - let's call her Kate) who we both knew independently and introduced us. Over the years, Kate and I drifted apart but still talked frequently. She's always been more of my wife's friend than me (best friend from childhood, etc) so it's never really bothered me.

A few years ago, someone tangentially part of our friend group that I only semi-knew confided in Kate that I solicited her for n*des. This person I had only talked to maybe once or twice and it was only ever about her art, although it's worth mentioning she has a good side hustle drawing hentai. All I ever really said was she was talented at it and I liked her art.

I guess one of the pieces I particularly liked was a self portrait (I won't get too into the details, but it looked nothing like her and was an anime girl, so I'm not sure how I would know that). Kate told my wife about this, who spent a week being upset about it before telling me. I showed her the chats we had and that was the end of it.

Right after posting, OP added a big edit/update.

EDIT: I'll add that what I said about the 'self portrait' was something along the lines of "holy s**t, this one's perfect - the lighting and the figure are really hot, you should be doing this as a day job!" She apparently only mentioned it in passing to Kate as "interesting" (her words apparently).

Kate took it upon herself to tell my wife about it. When my wife confronted the friend, she didn't think I was trying to get nudes or anything but thought I knew it was a self portrait. A few months later, Kate decided to take it upon herself to then tell my wife I asked to see pictures of her feet.

Admittedly, I have a foot f*tish (something my wife divulged to her which I'm not particularly cool with but I'm not super ashamed of it or anything, so I don't care all that much). The conversation Kate (in my opinion) misconstrued was her venting about how frustrating and objectifying it is that she feels like every guy wants to see her naked.

All I did was sympathize with that and said something along the lines of "Yeah, I mean, I'll admit there's a split second intrusive though about that I'll get when I meet people but it's probably some caveman lizard brain s**t". When my wife brought it up, I again showed her the messages, and she agreed it was a misunderstanding.

Although when she brought it back to Kate - trying to mediate the situation rather than defending it as a misunderstanding - Kate was adamant I was subtly fishing for n*des and feet pics. Wife didn't ask for this, but I let her go through all the messages again and my phone/computer, and she found nothing. Kate decided to cut contact with me and I haven't heard her from her since.

EDIT: I commented this below but here's the exact conversation I had with Kate:

Kate: I'm just so sick of it ugh

Kate: Like the one guy from work I told you about

Kate: The mentor guy

Kate: He offers to take me to a place he knows to find something to wear to the presentation we're giving next week

Kate: So I go with him and we're looking and he keeps 'joking' that we should look at lingerie?

Kate: ??????? Like HUH?????

Kate: What is it with men?

Kate: Like is it all "OH WOMAN. MUST SEE THEIR B**BS."

Me: What the f**k lmao

Me: Is that the dude who offered to pay for the extra e-learning s**t?

Kate: YES!

Kate: I thought he was genuinely being nice but I guess not???

Kate: Yet another in a long line of men who just want to see me naked

Kate: Is it all men? Like I don't get it it's so f**king exhausting

Me: I mean I've had the passing "huh she's attractive, I wonder what she looks like underneath her clothes" but they're more intrusive thoughts than anything I'd ever actively pursue because I'm not a monster

Kate: EXACTLY! I have the same thoughts too sometimes but it's like

Kate: I don't go around asking to see every hot guy's d**k?

Me: Maybe that's what he's hoping for 😂😂

Kate: HE HAS A WIFE TOO SO IT'S LIKE???????

I'll see Kate from time to time. Wife will have her over or they'll be talking on Discord. I'll be polite and say hello, but she'll turn her back from me or very blatantly ignore me. Which is fine - if that's what she wants to do, then so be it. But there was one time that particularly pissed me off: they were sitting out back, and I had come through to bring in groceries and put some stuff away in our shed.

She had sandals on, and when she saw me, she asked my wife if she could borrow a pair of socks, which my wife obliged. Putting it bluntly, I'm uncomfortable with her being friends with Kate. My wife doesn't have many friends though as she suffers from some pretty bad mental health issues and doesn't get out much, and I don't want to be some controlling AH telling her who she can and can't be friends with.

I just hate feeling like I have to be on guard when she's around, and I particularly hate that my wife - who agreed it was a misunderstanding on Kate's part and probably poor wording on mine - didn't defend me. I haven't told her to stop being friends with Kate, but I have mentioned that maybe she shouldn't invite Kate around if I'm home, or if we're going somewhere and Kate is there, I'll stay home.

Wife says I'm just making the situation more awkward and making things uncomfortable for her being that she's her best friend and I'm her husband. For context: some time before this, I had a friend who expressed concern that my wife might be telling me she didn't want me to go out and see my friends anymore.

This was one me, as the relationship was new, I had a new job, and wasn't really fond of going out to bars anymore and never communicated this. He was particularly disrespectful about it and I cut him off without question. I don't expect her to cut her off, but I would at a minimum appreciate her telling Kate off when she does particularly disrespectful things. Am I wrong here?

The internet had a lot of comments and questions.

urnamedoesntmatter wrote:

We also have to add that it’s his wife fault for telling Kate he has a foot f*tish. Like why would you tell about your significant other's k*nks, s*xual likes and stuff. That’s such a weird behavior.

UnusualVolume6181 wrote:

I noticed what no one else noticed that everything is centered around KATE saying these things happened. Not ANYONE ELSE!

OP responded:

I added a quick edit about the first friend - she only mentioned it to Kate as interesting and thought I knew it was a self portrait. She didn't think I was soliciting nudes or anything.

Mockingbird82 wrote:

Kate was fishing for sympathy and compliments. "OMG, I'm so hoooot and all these guys just wanna see me nekkid." You sympathized with her, but you didn't jump on the "OMG, Kate is hawt" bandwagon. Good for you! She still made you out to be a villain nonetheless. I don't know why she so desperately wants your wife to think you're a p*rv and dump you.

Maybe she really fell for it when the hentai-drawing friend was implying that you found her hot and wanted to screw her, too. (BTW, what is up with that s**t? She didn't tell Kate that because she found it "interesting." At bare minimum, she was bragging about snagging you or some s**t. I hope she was mortified when she found out you didn't even know the drawing was her.)

IMO, Kate and the hentai girl are the ones who have made the situation awkward. Your wife is being too kind to them. She's also disrespecting you by bringing Kate into your home and allowing her to treat you like any random perv on the street. (BTW, if she was that uncomfortable, she would not be at your house. I'd be wary of another accusation coming your way.)

Another thought, why was Kate crying to you about her hot girl problems? Think about it. That s**t is inappropriate. Your wife needs to open her eyes. She needs to stop bringing Kate over and go out with you to a location without Kate every once in a while. I wouldn't tell her to drop Kate yet (and that's her decision), but I would strongly recommend that she keep her eyes PEELED.

She also needs to stop spilling all your secrets. She's invited Kate into your marriage whether she intended to or not. Gross. If your wife doesn't agree to let you have some peace in your shared home, I would stop being available every time Kate is present. And NEVER, EVER, be alone with her. EVER.

2doggosathome wrote:

Any friend of mine who treated my husband like Kate does wouldn’t be my friend anymore…Kate is a drama queen who likes to stir the pot. She doesn’t like that you have proven that she is both these things so now you must be ostracized.

Next time Kate asks for socks laugh and say “ you never have to worry about me being attracted to you, your personality kills it” Tell your wife Kate isn’t allowed in your home period.

Westernunusual273 wrote:

You have a lot of wife problems to go with your Kate problem. Why is your wife telling Kate stuff like your foot f*tish in detail? Why is she stewing about s**t for a week before asking you about it? Why does she continue to be friends with someone like this? Why is Kate starting convos with you about how every man wants her then trying to turn it against you?

OP responded:

I'm starting to realize that unfortunately.

"Why is your wife telling Kate stuff like your foot fetish in detail?"

Apparently it's because "women talk about these things." I've been told this by past gfs too. It's s**tty but I don't care that much.

"Why is she stewing about shit for a week before asking you about it?"

I think is mostly her mental health. She grew up in an really ab*sive home and has trouble communicating things because she was never taught how. She's in therapy for it though and has been better about it since this incident.

"Why does she continue to be friends with someone like this?"

I assume for the same reason as above. They've been close friends since they were 4 or 5.

"Why is Kate starting convos with you about how every man wants her then trying to turn it against you?"

Kate and I were good friends before I ever met my wife, so this hasn't ever been uncommon tbf (the venting, not the being weird about me thing).

A week later, OP shared an update.

So I ended up showing my wife the original post because we had another argument about Kate. She read through it and some of the comments. I think she had a bit of a 'coming to Jesus' moment as she came and sat down and agreed that Kate has been acting weird about this whole situation.

We talked it out and I admitted I wasn't comfortable with Kate anymore and wouldn't stand in the way of them being friends but I don't want her coming around the house anymore, so she agreed she would 1) not bring Kate here anymore and 2) have a talk with Kate about what her problem is.

Over the long weekend, we decided to forgo our usual tradition of going to one of our parents' for a big meal and just stayed in and ordered takeout. Wife and Kate made plans to hang out too, which was fine as I had some personal hobby stuff I wanted to log some time on.

Kate apparently did not take being told she can't come over when I'm home very well, because she sent me a long message about how I'm controlling and ab*sive. Wife snapped and called her. They argued on the phone for a while. I didn't listen or anything but wife told me she set Kate straight and basically told her she needs to cut the s**t and apologize to me or she'll cut out Kate.

After midnight on Sunday, I got my apology from Kate. It seemed pretty heartfelt and sincere but I just said "thank you for the apology, please understand I'm fine with you and wife being friends, but I would prefer to continue just being pleasant with each other". She didn't respond right away and I went to sleep. I woke up in the middle of the night to pee, and saw she had responded.

And uh. This is where it got a bit odd. She sent a photo of her legs with her feet in the frame, in front of the mirror, so I was sure to see all of her feet. It seemed intentional to me honestly. One foot had a heel on the other was bare. She accompanied this with the message "What do you think? Y/N?" I woke up my wife to show her because I didn't want this too to be blown out of context by her.

Wife took a minute to comprehend what was happening and concluded she probably meant to send that to her since they get each other's opinions on outfits and shoes (bit weird to do at 1am imo but made sense). I replied "Uh sorry did you mean to send that to me??" In the morning, she had unsent the photo and message and said nothing else.

Later in the day, she called my wife and said she 'accidentally' sent me a picture of her new shoes and her feet were in them, and wanted my wife to confirm I didn't save it to 'use later'. I think this is where my wife started piecing together what some of the comments were saying about Kate being a s**t stirrer, put the phone on speaker, and flat out asked if Kate did it on purpose.

Kate got angry and asked how my wife could think that. Wife just said "because you know he has a foot f*tish and sent him a foot guy's equivalent of a full body nude". She started demanding she check my phone because she was "having a panic attack over the thought of me jerking off to her feet."

My wife rarely gets angry or petty, it's just not who she is, but my wife basically replied to that with "Uh Kate, you should've said something sooner. I thought it was an apology photo for him, so I already jerked him off while he looked at it."

There was a huge, hours-long argument that followed but tl;dr - Kate is no more. Apparently their friend group has wanted to stop dealing with her bullshit for some time and all jumped on this to cut her out. Sayonara Kate, you f*cking drama queen.

Commenters had a lot to say.

SamuelVimesTrained wrote:

That was one hell of a come-to-jesus moment.

And her response - damn - I laughed so hard my eyes started leaking.

HoldFast02 wrote:

Props to your wife for that last burn. Always good to see a toxic person get their comeuppance.

Good riddance to Kate.

MelW14 wrote:

Kate’s last text to you was her final attempt at baiting you, either to get you in trouble and break up the marriage for whatever reason or because she’s fully obsessed with you and wants you. I’d be scared of her if I were you guys tbh, she sounds straight up psychotic. Kate is a horrible, desperate, insecure person. I hope Kate sees this.

ethankeyboards wrote:

I'm actually impressed with how well OP communicates with his wife, and vice versa. OP's wife was open to considering what OP was telling her about Kate. In a relationship without this quality of communication, things definitely could have gone south.

Well, this certainly resolved itself.