'AITA for being upset that my BF said he was curious to see and catch up with an ex during our vacation?'
"AITA for being upset that my bf said he was curious to see and catch up with an ex, his first love during our vacation?"
I 39/f have a 35/m bf that I was recently on vacation with. Im pretty open about talking about previous relationships and usually ask him about his. He doesn't ask about mine and claims it's due to jealously but I think he just doesn't care. His first love was in university and she cheated on him.
Most recently while on vacation we were walking down the street and I noticed that a redhead was checking him out. I asked if he noticed after we passed her. He said no but wondered if it was his ex. It got me thinking why he was so quick to think of her. Later on it came up that he would be interested in seeing and catching up with her, possibly go to dinner.
He says there's nothing romantic behind it and he isn't interested. He's just curious how her life turned out as she was apparently very academically smart but wanted to waste it on becoming a mother.
I was shocked and hurt that we were together on vacation yet he's hoping to run into his ex so he can catch up. I told him this was a red flag and he understood where I was coming from. I asked him if the roles were reversed how he would feel. He said he would entertain the idea if I wanted to catch up with an ex. I feel like he wants to see what he missed out on.
The internet did not hold back one bit.
purplefoxie wrote:
Yeah, he's rude. If he loves you he wouldn't even think about something like that.
OP responded:
He doesn't love me.
sabin357 wrote:
Everyone else is jumping straight to a conclusion about romantic feeling, but is it possible that he wants to show her how much better off he is? Makes more sense to me, especially since it wasn't just a breakup, but she straight up cheated on him.
I've never felt that motivation as I only ever had 1 cheater & I cut her out like cancer & dropped her back in her trash heap where she belonged. Aside from a stalker, I stayed friendly with all the rest until we fell out of touch eventually.
OP responded:
He never mentioned that he'd want her to see how he is now. It was more so he wanted to see how she ended up.
Klutzy-Run5175 wrote:
Sometimes things pop up in our heads and curiously it gets us thinking about the past. I wonder what happened with my ex husband who I divorced and now has moved on. I would have more than a couple questions for him.
No-Singer-9373 wrote:
If my partner ever suggested he wanted to go to dinner with his ex I’d drop him ON THE SPOT ? I have a hard boundary about exes being in the past and don’t believe in “we can still be friends” BS. You used to be together? Well not anymore, now she’s a stranger and you have nothing to catch up about with strangers. He is doing you dirty, girl. Like, not even his THOUGHTS should be there.
everythinggoodnotbad wrote:
I don’t know. I think it makes sense to be curious about the life of someone you were once close to and spent a significant amount of time with. Personally, I may feel a twinge of jealousy, but wouldn’t worry too much about it.
leolawilliams5859 wrote:
And I'm going to tell you that he is absolutely totally lying if you told him that you was going to meet and ask and have dinner just to catch up and see how he was doing. He's only saying that he would be okay with it because he wants you to be okay with it when he brings it up to you soon that he would like to look up his ex and see what's going on.
You're not a placeholder you are not somebody he should be settling for either. You are worthy he shouldn't be thinking about anybody else except for you because if that's what's going on he's doing nothing but wasting your time. You might want to start looking at him with the side eye hmmm ?
djdfejulio wrote:
I'm still friends with a bunch of my exes. I could see wanting to catch up with one, but I'd absolutely have invited my wife along if I did. There'd be no question of one-on-one time until/unless my wife was completely comfortable with that. (We've also been friendly with some of my wife's exes. This isn't a one-way street.)
skelebabe95 wrote:
I don’t think he should be interested enough in his ex from decades ago to go meet her in person.
Stargal81 wrote:
Dinner becomes drinks becomes a night at her place or a hotel. He doesn't have to be 'romantically' interested in her for things to end very badly for you. This is why exes stay in the past. He's likely been thinking of her through the years, & if she expressed any interest in him, he'd probably drop you like a hot potato.
JSenss wrote:
I feel like if that's his genuine situation he would want to grab lunch with both of you, catch up for an hour, see what she's up to and show her what he's up to and that's that. See you again in a decade maybe. If she's just lingering on his mind and he doesn't want to openly talk about it, id feel bad vibes there.
Being interested in a person from your past isn't necessarily chasing a lost love. You two aren't old but you're starting to become older. Eventually everyone wonders what happened to the things that are no longer in their life, how they might compare, or want to prove to themselves that they did OR DIDN'T miss out on anything.
He could want to see how mundane and unimpressive her life turned out to appreciate how well he has made it with you, or he could be horny, or anything in between.
It's the trust you two have built so far that I would rely on. The idea itself isn't a red flag. Thinking a random person was her could be. Cutting into intimate vacation time to seek her out would be. How well a couple can communicate during moments of tension like this is a key indicator of how things are going and other woman or not, point out things a couple may need to work on together.