'AITA for being upset my husband is sharing a hotel room with another woman?' UPDATED 2X

"AITAH for being upset my husband is sharing a hotel room with another woman?"

My (36F) husband (42m) is currently in Las Vegas for a National bowling tournament. He is there with his mom and her friends/folks from their bowling league. He is an avid bowler - bowls in a Tuesday night league, often in state tournaments and sometimes in National tournaments.

Typically I go with and sometimes bowl myself. This year, we decided I would not go, but stay home with our three boys (ages 4,8,10) due to heat and smoke in Vegas in July. My husband and I have been married for 11 years. This is his second marriage. His first marriage failed because he walked in on his wife cheating on him with another man.

I have never, not once, thought that he would ever be intimate with another woman while he was with me. He’s just not that type. So, on to this trip. Typically when he goes on a trip without me (at least one a year given my job and time off requirements) he stays in a hotel room with his mom or our boys.

Three nights ago, I was on Facetime with him while he was in his hotel room. It was really nice and he was talking about possibly taking a nap for lack of sleep. I asked if he had his room to himself (because that would have been awesome) and he said “oh no, (?) is sharing with me.” I asked him who that was, and he said something - I don’t remember - aside from “she”. I said “wait what?!?”

And then he went on to explain that he was supposed to share the room with his mom's BF, but plans changed and now he is sharing the room with another woman on the trip.

He told me that I played cornhole with her last month at a get together. I reminded him who I had played cornhole with (him and a girl, but not one with the name he was giving me - I have no idea who this woman is) at which point he got very confused.

He did not understand why I was upset or frustrated - so I dropped it because I did not want to deter from his time and his bowling. I know I should have asked how he would have felt if the roles were reversed - but I didn’t.

Partly because I didn’t want to fight (we hardly ever fight) while the kids were up, and partly because I didn’t want to hear him chalk it up to my imagination. I have hardly slept since that night, and my dreams have been chock full of worst case scenarios, and still I have not really brought it up again.

There have been a few occasions in which he has talked about taking naps and how lame he is in Vegas. I have mentioned a few times - sort of sarcastically as a side, that he would be having more fun if he were sharing a room with me, or if I was there instead of his present company - but he has brushed it all aside.

So here we are: he has spent the last three nights in a hotel room with a woman that is not me or his mother - AITA for being upset?

Edited to get rid of some names - husband is coming home tonight and we will talk. I'm hoping its 82 year old grandma ;)

Not long after posting, OP shared an update.

Okay, so I took some advice and grew "a backbone". I texted him a little while ago instead of waiting until he got home - he and our boys are leaving for another trip tomorrow morning (I could not get the time off of work) so I wanted to make sure we had the conversation fully before he left again. Before I give the update, I wanted to make a couple of things clear:

I do trust my husband. He has never shown he would be the kind of person to cheat, and that is not what truly concerned me. Even though I did have some pretty unpleasant dreams. My issue was that he was not upfront and honest with me. If I had done the same thing, he would have lost his mind - understandably. This is why I started the original post with "he's just not that type."

We do generally have great communication - the issue here is that I like to have this kind of conversation face to face rather than over the phone. It's just not something I like to hash out while we are not in the same space. Obviously, in this situation, I should have made the exception, and have now done so. Now, for the update:

I texted him today to tell him that this situation has been bothering me for the last three days - I had questions and we needed to have this conversation. I asked who the woman was, how old she was and why didn't he tell me about the situation before I found out by accident. There was a mixup with the rooms, something about someone not going so people were shuffled.

He was paired with a woman about my age. He said he didn't think it would be a big deal and didn't want to inconvenience everyone else on the trip. He also said he did not want to upset me, which is why he didn't right out tell me about it. He did tell me that I never had anything to worry about and he made sure they weren't in the room alone together aside from when they were sleeping.

I know, I know - but I really do believe him on this.

I was honest with him and told him that if roles were reversed, out of respect for him, I would have called him right away to make sure he was ok with it. I told him that while I trust him implicitly, I should not have found out the way that I did.

And he should not have blown off my concern. I told him that the lack of upfront communication felt suspicious, regardless of intention or what actually happened. As for not upsetting me, I told him I would have understood and not been upset if he had just been honest. He has apologized profusely. I told him next time to just communicate - he is adamant there will not be a next time.

So, call me naive if you want, but I am dropping it at this point. He will be home this evening and I intend on having a nice evening with him before I don't see him again for another two weeks. Thank you for the advice - I cried it out when I found out her age, but getting this off my chest has been very relieving.

People kept it honest in the comment section.

WinterFront1431 wrote:

He should have spoken to you first, not told you. Call him and tell him how you feel, say your not accusing him it just hurt and honestly felt weird when he didn't mention sharing a room with another woman.

"Hey I have to share room with xyz, because xyz happened"

Trixy_Challenger wrote:

NTA for being upset, I think most people would be. However you should talk to him about it, it's not good you're keeping these feelings to yourself. Be honest about your feelings and ask him the question if he'd feel comfortable if you'd share a room with a male friend, just to make him see your point. Communication is key in any relationship so you should be able to talk about it without issues.

Form1040 wrote:

I am married 38 years. I would sleep in the car or outside on the ground before sharing a hotel room with a woman other than my wife.

supsofia wrote:

NTA for being upset. Your husband is sharing a hotel room with another woman, and this situation raises valid concerns and insecurities, especially given his past experience with infidelity.

While he may not have any ill intentions, it's understandable that you're feeling hurt and anxious. His confusion about your reaction and his dismissive attitude towards your concerns are not helpful and can further fuel your insecurity.

melodycricket wrote:

NTA! Husband should have had the common sense to get his own room or make other arrangements. This is totally weird and strange. And definitely ask him how he would feel if you sharing a hotel room with another man in Vegas or anywhere else!!!

Married men should not share hotel rooms with other women than mom or wife and same goes for married women. I would have demanded he get his own room regardless of cost or if he had to go to another hotel. This situation is soooo not cool. I cant believe you just sulked in silence and not done something about it! You need to discuss this with him asap!

A little over a week later, OP shared another update.

I am not handling this as well as I thought I was. I had decided to let it go - I know he wasn’t doing anything with this other woman. You can disagree and call me crazy if you’d like - but I do know that. However - as much as I have tried, I can’t get past the fact that he made the decision to do something he knew I wouldn’t be ok with, and not tell me about it. It all feels - just so messed up.

I have talked to a few of my co-workers (I don’t have really any friends that aren’t friends of his that I talk to on a regular basis - and there is no way I'll talk to my family because that is a storm I can’t handle right now) and they are all shocked and more angry for me than I have let myself be (most of them know him, the kind of person he is and what ended his first marriage - he used to work at the same company).

We had less than 24 hours together before he, his mom and all three of my children took their trip to the other side of the United States. I have been sitting in my feels and will continue to do so until they get back - almost another week from now.

I was on the phone with them this evening before they went to bed, and one of the first things my husband said to me was: “I’m sharing a bed with a red head tonight”. And I almost came unglued before I realized he was talking about one of our boys (we have three sons). After a very long pause, I said “you better be talking about —-“ and I was so angry I don’t understand how he didn’t pick up on that.

Every conversation we have had has been short and to the point because I’m really just not interested in talking to him. I have been calling my oldest son, and talking with my boys instead. His mom hasn’t really said much to me - which makes me think he has said something to her. Which is fine of course - I really don’t care about that. Bottom line is: I don’t know what to do.

It is midnight at home, I tried to go to bed two hours ago and just could not stop sobbing - so I got up and let it go. It felt good to get it out but I know I need to talk to someone. I have support lines through work I can call, but won’t tonight - far too many drinks and I don’t want to bring that into it as well - but I will call tomorrow. I know I should be upset and angry and not let it go.

But I am afraid when I do talk to a professional they will say I’m blowing it out of proportion. I will still call, but I need to get my head straight first. He is bicycling for seven days - over 400 miles - so as much as I want to tear him a new one right now (especially after his completely insensitive and clueless joke this evening) I have not.

Because I want him home safe and sound.

Regardless of my feelings in this moment - the most important thing is that my children’s dad comes home safe so we can hash this out at least in the same city and not while he is 1,000 miles away. With his mom. And my children.

The internet had OP's back.

yourmomsfatpussi wrote:

It’s not the suspected cheating, it’s the deliberate breaking of trust.

Turbulent_Ebb5669 wrote:

Damn, making a joke about it like that this soon after.

Illustratorslow1614 wrote:

That joke is horrendous. He has no respect for you at all.

OP responded:

It sure does feel that way right now.

Karma1969 wrote:

I can't tell from your two posts if you've really let him know how upset you are or not. If I were your husband, I'd be jumping through hoops right now to reassure you (although if I were your husband I never would have shared a hotel room with another woman). It sounds like you're letting him get on with his life while you gestate this feral alien in your belly.

Why? His act was wildly inappropriate and he should be on his hands and knees begging your forgiveness for his major lapse in judgement. But does he know how upset you are?

You're people pleasing right now. Be selfish. Selfish isn't always bad. Your mental health is important, and he drove a dagger through it. Now he needs to play doctor. Remind him of that, in no uncertain terms. Now isn't the time to "hold back" and pretend nothing happened. Be honest.

OpportunityCalm6825 wrote:

So, he didn't take your feelings into consideration and doubled down? Honestly, it's not normal to share a hotel room with another woman being a married person with spouse. Your response is underwhelming at best. I wouldn't be so kind to him.