'AITA for being upset my GF of 8 years now wants physical intimacy?' UPDATED 2X

"AITA for being upset my gf of 8 years now wants intimacy?"

My gf and I have been together for 8 years, and we've never done the deed.

My gf has had some issues regarding intimacy. She's gone to a therapist, and she realized she may never want to "do it."

I knew all of this beforehand, and I was willing to stay chaste, as she's a wonderful person. I've never pressured her, and never expected it. It was hard for me at times though. Also, non-monogamy was never an option. Fast forward a few years, and my libido is completely gone, I don't do anything, (I still hug and kiss my gf though).

Even a steamy scene on a movie or TV, does nothing for me. Any drive I ever had is gone.

My gf recently tried to grab me, and I pushed her away. I asked what she's doing, and she said she wants to try and start being intimate with me.

We had a long talk about why she feels this way, and she says she can't really explain it. I told her I don't want to sleep together, and she was disappointed.

Things have gotten more tense between us, and the other day we had a fight.

She says that I'm just doing this to punish her because she wouldn't sleep with me before. She says she doesn't believe me when I say my drive is gone. I’m just really frustrated with her now, because I was willing to give up intimacy to be with her and I never made her feel bad about it, and now she's upset with me. AITA?

Commenters had a lot to say.

FitzpleasureVibes wrote:

“She says she doesn’t believe me when I say my drive is gone.”

What does she have to say about you being understanding of her issues regarding intimacy for the last SEVEN years?! Sounds like main character syndrome. Idk man, but good luck.

OP responded:

She said it's different, because she had some trauma and that I've never been SAed (true).

mselativ wrote:

…if this is real, your development and boundaries are just as important as hers.

Consider having a conversation when you’re both in a calm headspace. Express your need for patience and communication.

It’s interesting that your devotion to her caused/allowed you to shut down your drive. I would consider having a session with her therapist independently, or some other counselor about this.

OP responded:

It's hard to explain how I did it. But any time I felt aroused I just did things like hitting myself or telling myself to stop several times.

I did this because otherwise, I'd end up frustrated.

SailorSaturn30 responded:

So you traumatized yourself for having normal impulses, and you don't think you MIGHT have some sort of intimacy related trauma? My homie, my dude, you need to see a therapist. That is so unhealthy, and your GF sounds selfish AF for demanding you understand her trauma but then completely ignoring yours.

HerrStarrenterschat wrote:

You got three choices, friend:

Therapy. Going from having a drive to not having one could be an indication of something serious. Hormone level drop, maybe, or perhaps depression. Do this option for yourself, and nobody else.

Run now. If she's suddenly into intimacy, and treating you like this because of a couple refusals compared to the rest of your relationship refusing you, she's gonna get meaner about it. She'll come for your masculinity soon.

Stick around for the inevitable other shoe to drop where she sleeps with someone else and blames you because you weren't enough to give it to her.

I recommend two, and then one once you're free and clear. Good luck.

SuspiciousSimple wrote:

Ngl, I'd expect mutual respect for not wanting intimacy. Her guilt tripping you about it says more than enough. You basically sacrificed your ability to connect with new partners because of her. Sure, you can find other partners. But it kinda reduced your dating pool from when you started with her.

Three days later, OP shared an update.

We had a talk. I explained to her what I did to get rid of my libido (basically I pinched myself and told myself no when I got aroused). She didn't know this, I never told her because I didn't want her to feel bad for not sleep with me. I didn't want to tell her, but she insisted on knowing why I don't have a libido anymore.

She started crying when I told her. She said she was sorry she made me go through that. I told her it's not her fault, and that it was my choice. We just held each other for a while after that. We decided that we'd go to couple's therapy, and when I'm ready, going to see a therapist.

She said she's sorry for how she's been acting, and that she's willing to be patient with me. I asked her what happens if I never get my drive back? She said she doesn't know, but she said she will be patient with me. So yeah, I'll try to get my drive back. I don't feel comfortable discussing now, but something I'll want to mention during therapy is this pressure I'm getting from my gf.

Like, maybe I'm overthinking, but I guess it feels like "she's waiting for me to make a move," idk but when I decided to be with her I was more of the mind "I may never want to get intimate again" I wasn't WAITING for my gf to get better so we could sleep together, I accept the fact that I could go without for the rest of my life.

Idk, I guess this is a discussion for later

Edit: I think a lot of people are assuming I b-at the s-t out of myself. No, I didn't punch myself at full force. I slapped my thigh or my hand, or pinched myself whenever I got aroused.

The internet kept the comments coming.

rocketmn69_ wrote:

What was her reason for always denying you and now suddenly finding you desirable again?

OP responded:

Trauma. She went through some bad trauma when she was younger.

emptynest_nana wrote:

Wow. I am sorry. This is a difficult path. Your girlfriend needs to change her mind set. You gave up intimacy, retrained your brain, accepted her exactly how she is. That is very noble of you. She needs to love you and accept you as you are. She says she will be patient?? She owes minimum 8 years. Good luck on the therapy. I think that is an excellent idea.

Nick5th wrote:

You asked her what happens if you never get your libido back and she says SHE DOESNT KNOW? Dude. DUDE. you were willing to go your whole life without intimacy for this woman, but she's not sure about you??

Fulminic88 wrote:

So she basically forced you into celibacy with zero effort or engagement in that department and then, 8 years later, she changes her mind and suddenly it's a huge problem worth yelling at you about? And that she'll "be patient" with you about? Why the hell did you even start this relationship?

Sorry dude, but sounds like she never even considered you or how you felt that whole time. She will not wait for you to get better or accept this life, like you did for her. That was evident the second she thought she could just SA you and got mad when you denied her.

Seven months later, OP shared another update.

It's been a long time since I posted, and things have changed a lot in the past few months. We did find a therapist for us, and one for myself. It was hard to open up. I felt like I wasn't allowed to be frustrated a good portion of the time. I did manage to open up to my gf. Honestly, it was a pretty arduous journey for us, but we are in a better place now.

My gf recognized that she was wrong for pressure me into sex and grabbing me out of nowhere. I recognized I was wrong for my "self-therapy" when it came to slowing down my drive.

We took small steps towards getting intimate. Eventually, we finally did. The first time we tried was a mess. Eventually though, it started to feel natural. We'll still go to therapy, but we are both in a much better place now, and we are getting intimate pretty consistently. I honestly didn't realized how much I missed it.

The internet had a lot to say.

Crowleypanda wrote:

Something tells me OP was the one not getting down....I've seen this before, too many times to count. OP for your own good, dig deeper, or not, up to you. The thing is, everytime I've seen this scenario, there was something shady going on.

soradakey wrote:

I hope part of her apology was how quickly she was willing to throw you away now that the shoe was on the other foot. Nobody deserves to be treated like that, especially after 7 years.

Willowmyown wrote:

I’m glad you’re doing better, and I truly hope that this is a healthier relationship than it sounded like in your previous posts.