I (32F) just found out that my husband (34M) has been secretly sending money to his older sister (38F) for years, and I lost it. I need to know if I went too far. A little background: His sister has always been a bit of a mess financially. She doesn’t manage her money well, constantly complains about being broke, and always has some excuse as to why she can’t cover her expenses.
I’ve always suspected she was bad with money, but I had no idea just how deep this went. Recently, I started noticing that our savings weren’t growing as they should have been. We make good money, and I handle most of our finances, so it didn’t make sense.
My husband has his own bank account for his personal spending, so I don’t micromanage it, but something felt off. I finally got my answer when I overheard a phone call between him and his sister. She was crying (fake crying, IMO) about how she was short on rent and desperately needed help. My husband, being the big-hearted guy he is, told her he’d send her the money right away.
That’s when I checked his transactions and saw that he has been sending her hundreds, sometimes thousands of dollars every few months. This wasn’t just a one-time thing it was a pattern. The worst part? The same day he sends her money, she posted pictures on social media flaunting a brand-new designer bag and eating at some fancy restaurant with her friends.
I scrolled back and realized this wasn’t the first time. Every time she cried to him about being “broke,” she was posting about some shopping spree or night out right after. I confronted my husband, and we had the biggest fight we’ve ever had in our marriage. He kept insisting that she really needs help and that “family takes care of each other.” I told him he’s not helping her he’s enabling her.
I was furious that he was giving away our money to someone who was blatantly using him as a piggy bank. I asked him point-blank if he had ever gotten a single dollar back. He admitted she has never repaid him, despite constantly promising she would. That’s when I lost it and told him that if he wants to keep throwing money at his sister’s lifestyle, he can do it without me.
Now he’s upset, saying I’m being heartless and that “it’s just money.” But it’s our money, and I feel completely betrayed that he’s been keeping this from me. His sister, of course, is now playing the victim, saying I’m cruel for “coming between family.” So…AITA?
Candid_Process1831 wrote:
NTA! She is milking your husband for money and he does not realise it and keeping it a secrect is also a big red flag!
OP responded:
I'm just so mad at him for keeping it a secret and not telling me and also that he doesn't realize that she is milking him We compared bank statements and every time he sends here money the same day or latest the day after she is posting some pics of new outfits, new bags or from going out to fancy restaurants with friends! I just don't understand how he can be that blind!
Good-Jackfruit8592 wrote:
Was this joint money or money “from his own bank account for his personal spending?"
OP responded:
It was money from his personal account, but we agreed to put money every month into our joint savings account which he hasn't done for quite a time know or if he transfers the money to the joint account it is always les then we agreed we would put in at first i didn't mind but now after finding out that he is constantly sending his sis money i know why we was not able to do so.
NYCStoryteller wrote:
NTA. Your husband might as well have been throwing money at his mistress. This is financial infidelity. Tally up all of those bank statements and tell your husband that if he wants to save this marriage, he needs to get a second job to replenish the funds that have been blown on his sister and cut her off financially. She's not going to pay him back, so he should pay YOU back.
OP responded:
He needs to stop sending her money!! I don't mind at all helping family out when they really struggle of some emergency but not for clothes bags and fancy restaurants!
New-Art9667 wrote:
NTA. Next time she asks for money, tell him he will need to tell you about it. When she asks, monitor her socials for a few days and show him the proof. Then if you are right, tell him his sister needs to stop and he needs to develop a backbone to say no.
OP responded:
I already compared his statements with here social media post they match up every time!
sukemeciyi3552 wrote:
You’re NTA here. It’s completely reasonable to be upset that your husband has been secretly sending significant amounts of money to his sister, especially when she’s clearly mismanaging it. You’re right to feel betrayed, as finances are a shared responsibility in a marriage.
It’s also concerning that he’s been enabling her behavior without considering the impact on your household. While family should help each other, it shouldn’t come at the expense of your well-being or the partnership you have. Communication and transparency are key, and it sounds like this issue needs to be addressed in a more constructive way moving forward.
RaccoonCharacter33 wrote:
If it was from his personal account, I can see his reasoning. However, since he didn’t contribute what he should have to the savings, I would separate the savings. And show him how much is technically yours from the savings. Not sure how much it is, but take yours- including the growth. Explain you didn’t have the luxury to spend “free” money as this is your earned money.