'AITA if I break off my engagement because of his new views about women?' UPDATED 2X

"WIBTAH if I break off my engagement because of his new views about women?"

My (28F) fiancé (34M) and I used to have a great relationship, but for the last year, his political views have become a problem. I mostly bit my tongue about it, but it came to a head when he accused a woman at his job of lying about her SA. I pointed out that when a woman accuses a man of r-pe, he questions it and says she is lying.

He justified that by saying it's stupid to believe an accusation like that with no proof. I pointed out that he has no proof that she's lying either but he's accusing her anyway. He often sends me articles of women (usually teachers) SAing boys. I brought up that he never says the boys are lying or asks for proof. He got very upset and kept repeating that I was "trivializing male SA".

I don't feel like I was. I feel that I was just pointing out the hypocrisy. He denied being biased against female accusers. I reminded him that when the allegations against Diddy first happened, he said "feminists were just trying to ruin a successful man's life". (Unsurprisingly, he never brought up the man who accused Diddy of SA).

He defended Diddy up until the video of him physically as--lting Cassie was leaked. Even then, he said "we didn't know the whole story". The final straw was when he was telling me (yet again) how women are actually worse than men because we are sneaky and conniving and "at least men will f**k you over to your face".

He kept saying that women are far worse people than men, and I just lost it. I said that there was nowhere on earth, not now or ever in recorded history, has the female v--lent crime rate been higher than the males'. I told him that men k--l each other even more than they k--l us, so they are a bigger danger to themselves than some girl being "sneaky".

I said that blaming women for unfair legislation (like conscription) makes no sense when men make up the majority of the US government (and most, if not all, other governments). He was absolutely furious about all this. He didn't "argue" with me, per se.

He just told me that I was brainwashed by the feminist agenda and that feminism lied to me and convinced me I was "special" (I still don't know where that comment came from. It was not relevant to anything). I, admittedly, was very pissed off, and said "well, maybe, patriarchy lied to you about this relationship being special." I threw my ring at the table, left the house, and haven't spoken to him since.

Today, he sent me a long text stating how I belittled him with that comment and that I "would be a good wife if I could just stop needing to be right all the time". I haven't responded, and I'm conflicted about if I will at all. I feel bad about throwing he ring. I really feel bad that I hurt his feelings by saying our relationship isn't special.

But still, tbh, I'm seriously questioning if I really want to marry him. He has always been argumentative. Not just with me. With everyone. Normally, I just ignore it, but he was so egregious with his hypocritical BS. I shouldn't have taken the bait, and I don't feel like men are generally bad. I was speaking out of anger.

I don't consider myself to be a super political person. I'm not even sure if I count as a feminist. He just has a new complaint about women every freaking day at this point. It's so frustrating. Idk when he became this way, but it sucks. There are still things I love about him, but the things he has been saying may be more than I can forgive.

Despite all that, I'm still responsible for my intense outburst because I ignored his constant woman-bashing in an effort to keep the peace. I exploded when I could've just spoken up from the start. Maybe if I'd nipped it in the bud right at the start, it could have been better. Idk. I don't know what to do. AITAH?

Not long after posting, OP shared a small update.

Update Edit: I did a whole update post, but the TL;DR is: I told him I wasn't in love with him anymore and called off the engagement. I'm going to a friend's place for a few days, and he's going to move out of the condo by the 9th.

The internet, did not hold back one bit.

UnstablePapaya wrote:

NTA. He’s been argumentative with others because that’s who he is. Someone who’s nice to you but rude to waitstaff isn’t truly a nice person. Once he gets what he wants, he’ll have no reason to treat you any differently from anyone else. Consider yourself lucky he couldn’t maintain the facade until after the vows and paperwork were done!

ConstructionNo9678 wrote:

He also keeps sending her articles about young men and boys being abused. Why does he seem to think that OP wouldn't believe or care about SA when he's the only one questioning allegations? It's so gross to use those as a pawn in his game.

Pinkylindel wrote:

Yeah that's a woman hater right there. The thing with these misogynists I'm curious about is why they continue being with women, when they cannot even stand to look eye to eye with one.

Burnoutpro wrote:

NTA, don't marry anyone like this, just DON'T. You're also a woman, what he says of other women will definitely be applied to you.
Red flags waving high, don't even look back. Or do, but with relief).

A day later, OP shared another major update.

Hi, again! I'm surprised and overwhelmed by the response my post got. Thanks to everyone who read through all that. And thanks to anyone who reads through all this, too. After I left, I went to a hotel. He kept contacting me to ask when I was coming home. I told him I needed time to think and turned off my phone.

When I turned it back on, I saw his photo on my lock screen and decided to call him (for reasons that will make sense later). He said he wanted to talk face to face, and I agreed, so I went home. He apologized for implying that I'm not special. I apologized for implying our relationship isn't special. We've been together for 12 years, so saying that was hurtful and untrue.

(Before anyone compares the harshness of our statements, his wrongs don't justify my own and vice versa.)

{Disclaimer: This post isn't about the validity or ethics of gender roles. This is strictly an account of what happened with no wider social commentary from me}

We discussed what we wanted for the future. He wants a "traditional marriage", and specified the following:

I would quit my job and we'd start trying for a baby right after the wedding.

I'd be a SAHM until the kids are old enough for primary school and we'd raise them as Christians.

He wants to protect and provide for our family, and I would be submissive. He assured me that I could still disagree with him and have a say, but he wants to ultimately have the final say in most things.

He asked if I understood what he wanted, and I said yes. When he asked me if I still wanted to get married, I told him that I didn't. He has the right to change his mind, but it's not the arrangement we agreed to when he proposed.

This post is long enough, so I won't detail how he got into this gender essentialism stuff or why I don't want the type of relationship he's asking for. Suffice to say, we are no longer compatible. He wants to do a "trial run" of his preferred setup "so I can see that it's for the best."

I told him that we had a very successful trial run of not doing that for 10 years until he decided to switch things up a few years ago. He was unphased by this. So about the lock screen: He has a small snaggletooth toward the back that he's always been shy about, so he never fully smiles in public. That photo is one of very few pictures where he is showing his real smile and it's beautiful.

Seeing that photo used to make me so happy. When I saw it this morning, I just felt sad. I know it sounds dramatic, but it feels like he died and was replaced by some kind of redpilled pod person. When he asked me if I still loved him at all, I told him that I will always love him, but I'm not in love with him anymore.

I get that many people had strong feelings about the things he said, and he definitely crossed the line several times, but this is still so hard for me to do. He's the only man I've ever been with and my best friend. I'm relieved that it's over but still sad about how it ended. I accept that he's a different person now, but it's hard not to think of what could have been.

The internet had OP's back.

Bloodystupidjohnson3 wrote:

You put it perfectly right here:

“He asked if I understood what he wanted, and I said yes. When he asked me if I still wanted to get married, I told him that I didn’t."

"He has the right to change his mind, but it’s not the arrangement we agreed to when he proposed.”

You made an informed decision.

_ararana wrote:

As a man, good for you. Sorry your fiancé jumped off the deep end of the crazy pool.

"he wants to ultimately have the final say in most things" jesus f-king christ.

Capybarasaregreat wrote:

It's such an absurd thing to say. "We can still discuss things, but I'm going to completely ignore anything and everything you said and do whatever I think is better." He said it like it's a compromise, implying the normal setup is that she cannot even say anything, just has to live on autopilot, with him as said pilot.

I had an ex who could not handle when I disagreed with her, even the smallest things, she wanted a yesman as a partner, this is some nightmarish evolution of that.

AcanthisittaNo9122 wrote:

He wants trial run for you being a SAHM and have a baby? What would he do with the baby when you tell him that the trial run fails? Ask god to undo the baby? Total BS, he just wants to trap you.