'WIBTA for breaking up with my live-in girlfriend for what she said about my sister?' UPATED
"WIBTA for breaking up with my live-in girlfriend for what she said about my sister?"
I (29M) grew up in a fundamentalist Baptist family. At 15, I left home and moved in with my uncle. I have a little sister (24F) who I made sure to keep in contact with.
I always let her know that if she ever wanted to get out from under our family, I would do whatever it takes to help her. I went cross country for college and grad school. While in grad school, I met my GF (26F) and we have been together 5 years. In July, I got a call from my mentor offering me a job back in my home state.
It would be a great opportunity for my career so I took it. The plan was for my GF to move too in November. In mid-September, I get a call from my sister. She asks me if her and her kids (5F & 4M) can stay with me. I immediately say “yes.” I call my girlfriend on the way and tell her what is going on. She sounds frustrated but is understanding of why I need to get them.
In November, my GF moves here. My sister and her kids are still here. My sister mostly keeps to herself, but I spend a lot of time with my niece and nephew when I am not working. My sister is preparing to take the ACT so she can start at the community college this summer. After Christmas, one of my GF’s friends came out to visit.
I was planning to go with my sister and the kids to see my uncle while my GF and her friend went out for brunch. I ended up not feeling well, so I stayed home and was in our bedroom. They came home and were having a rather loud conversation. The acoustics in our house are such that you can hear what is happening in the kitchen pretty clearly in our upstairs bedroom. They were making fun of my sister.
They were talking about how she dresses, talks, and acts. It went on for quite awhile. The friend asks my GF, “how she puts up with it?” My GF says, “I knew OP likes fixing broken s--t, I guess that applies to his family too!” They both laughed. It took everything in me to not march downstairs and end things right there and kick them both out. Her friend left a few days later and I was being distant.
She asked what was going on and I told her what I heard. Her face turned pale and she apologized. I told her it didn’t matter because I could not unring that bell and that I am contemplating breaking up. She starting crying saying how she has sacrificed her life by moving to be with me and left her family, friends, and job.
She has no job or anything here and I am being unfair. She said we should be able to work through this. My perspective is I no longer want to be with her if that is truly how she feels about my family. WIBTA if I break up with her?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
dobeygirlhmb wrote:
I’ll preface this by saying that my friends and I are by no means shrews, but sometimes we have to vent. We’re all ADHD and talking out the things in our head is how we process what we’re feeling. Your girlfriend was venting, which I can’t say I blame her. Your sister needs help yes, but you didn’t give your girlfriend much of a choice in the matter, she was so close to moving, she probably couldn’t call it off.
Sarahwithlove93 wrote:
I feel like it’s just frustration built up and gossiping either a friend with the intention of no one hearing and not hurting anyone is normal. The friend isn’t from there, she’s not gonna go around spreading the gossip. I’ve been frustrated with my in-laws and have talked to my best friend about it.
ArtemisFlare83 wrote:
I think what people are missing here is that she didn't do anything to your sister. She was venting to a friend, in what she thought was a private discussion. I honestly don't know a single person who doesn't vent to another (as sad as that is). She could have discussed things with you, yes. That would have been the better choice, but that's assuming she didn't already tell you how she felt.
l3ex_g wrote:
ESH, she was venting and it sounds like she was unhappy with your living situation but can’t talk to you about it because you are over protective of your sister and her situation.
There also seems to be a power imbalance between you and her and she might be frustrated since she can’t be honest with you. If I was expecting to live with my boyfriend and he calls me saying nvm it’s going to be my sister and her two young children joining, I would be upset.
YTA. Go ahead and break up with her, you're doing her a favor.
You say absolutely nothing in here that indicates you give a shit about your girlfriend's feelings.
Of course I talked to my girlfriend before taking the job. That is why we had a plan in place for when she would move before I took the job. Not sure how familiar you are with the fundamentalist Baptist community, but it is incredibly restrictive and oppressive of women. My mom and my sister were constantly subject to verbal a^%$e.
My sister wanted to get shorts once at a store and was called a “whore” by our father. She was 6. That is the environment we came from. She was forced to get married at 18 to a man 7 years her senior. That is why I always said I would do whatever it takes to get her out.
2 days later OP came back with this update:
I officially broke up with her. I am just going to provide some further context since people made a lot of assumptions:
1. My sister at 18 was effectively forced to marry her husband who was then 29. In our family and that community, women cannot work or have their own money. We were homeschooled, but the education my sister received was not much beyond "homemaking" and basic reading, writing, and math. Because she was expected to stay at home and not do much else.
2. My GF was fully aware of my family situation from early on in our dating. The only other time my sister called me asking to come live with me was a few months into our dating. I got on a plane a day later and came to her house. When I showed up to the house, my dad and BIL were there and my sister dejectedly said she did not want to go.
3. Before I accepted the job, my GF and I had a long discussion about it. One of my motives I told her for wanting to take it was to provide a possible escape route for my sister. She said she was ok with that.
4. My sister called me from a stranger's phone when she called and was clearly upset. Her husband often looks at her phone and tracks her calls. We planned to meet in a public place. I felt there was no time to discuss it beforehand. We planned to meet in a Walmart parking lot and I would take her and the kids to my house, and my family does not know where I live. She abandoned her phone.
5. I bought a house. The down payment was paid by me solely and it is solely on my name. My GF did pick it out among 5 options I was considering.
That is the end of it.
Here's what people had to say after the update:
I have questions. you put the down payment down but this obviously meant to be her home as well as yours. With that in mind: did she quit her job to follow you? Sell her stuff? Does she have anywhere to go? Did you kick her out? It would be insanely ironic tbh.
You unilaterally made a choice that impacted how your partner lived in her own home and when you overheard her say something you didn’t like (even though it was meant to be private venting) you ripped her life apart.
The justification being that she didn’t financially contribute to buying the home she lived in and that you have moral issues with her feelings. Isn’t that how men in fundamentalist religions act with their partners?
I did not kick her out at all. She is still in the house right now. She said she needed to the end of February, I said she can take until the end of March.
1st, your sister was married to a man 7 years older than her, now she’s married to a man 11 years older than her.
Sounds like you’re changing your story to sound better.
I apologize for that. He was 29. I often miscount things in my head.
It is a great thing you are doing for your sister but will you be providing for your sister and her children indefinitely? In a relationship this is unsustainable. I feel stressed just thinking about it, let alone being in that environment. It seems your sister is at home all the time, will she be taking steps to improve her situation so she maybe able to be responsible for herself.
She is taking the ACT in February and starting community college this summer. There also is an organization that we are working with that provides resources and rental assistance to abused women. We are working with them to figure out a game plan for my sister and her kids once she starts school.