'AITA for breaking up with my GF who moved to live with me because of what she said about my sister?'

"AITA for breaking up with my live-in GF who moved cross country to live with me for what she said about my sister and her kids?"

I (29M) grew up in a fundamentalist Baptist family. At 15, I left home and moved in with my uncle. I have a little sister (24F) who I made sure to keep in contact with.

I always let her know that if she ever wanted to get out from under our family, I would do whatever it takes to help her. I went cross country for college and grad school. While in grad school, I met my GF (26F) and we have been together 5 years. In July, I got a call from my mentor offering me a job back in my home state.

It would be a great opportunity for my career so I took it. The plan was for my GF to move too in November. In mid-September, I get a call from my sister. She asks me if her and her kids (5F & 4M) can stay with me. I immediately say “yes.” I call my girlfriend on the way and tell her what is going on. She sounds frustrated but is understanding of why I need to get them.

In November, my GF moves here. My sister and her kids are still here. My sister mostly keeps to herself, but I spend a lot of time with my niece and nephew when I am not working. My sister is preparing to take the ACT so she can start at the community college this summer. After Christmas, one of my GF’s friends came out to visit.

I was planning to go with my sister and the kids to see my uncle while my GF and her friend went out for brunch. I ended up not feeling well, so I stayed home and was in our bedroom. They came home and were having a rather loud conversation. The acoustics in our house are such that you can hear what is happening in the kitchen pretty clearly in our upstairs bedroom. They were making fun of my sister.

They were talking about how she dresses, talks, and acts. It went on for quite awhile. The friend asks my GF, “how she puts up with it?” My GF says, “I knew OP likes fixing broken s--t, I guess that applies to his family too!” They both laughed. It took everything in me to not march downstairs and end things right there and kick them both out. Her friend left a few days later and I was being distant.

She asked what was going on and I told her what I heard. Her face turned pale and she apologized. I told her it didn’t matter because I could not unring that bell and that I am contemplating breaking up. She starting crying saying how she has sacrificed her life by moving to be with me and left her family, friends, and job.

She has no job or anything here and I am being unfair. She said we should be able to work through this. My perspective is I no longer want to be with her if that is truly how she feels about my family. WIBTA if I break up with her?

The internet did not hold back one bit.

dobeygirlhmb wrote:

I’ll preface this by saying that my friends and I are by no means shrews, but sometimes we have to vent. We’re all ADHD and talking out the things in our head is how we process what we’re feeling. Your girlfriend was venting, which I can’t say I blame her. Your sister needs help yes, but you didn’t give your girlfriend much of a choice in the matter, she was so close to moving, she probably couldn’t call it off.

She also probably doesn’t want to throw 5 years away with someone she obviously loves (ie moving away, living with sis and 2 kids are things women dont do for men they don’t love). The question is, are you going to let the venting be the catalyst for breaking up or are you going to actually talk things out with her, come to a real resolution.

Sure breaking up is a resolution, but it seems like a bad one given the situation. Honestly, everyone involved needs therapy, your sister needs therapy to deal with leaving the Baptist sphere (I grew up a fundy baptist, so I feel that pain), your girlfriend could use therapy to properly talk out her feelings with the situation, and you need therapy too.

It is hard pulling that raising out of your soul, and there’s probably still bits of that evangelical nonsense on your head. You and your girlfriend should also do couples counseling too. It doesn’t sound like you all have really discussed the situation and how each other really feels about it.

Sarahwithlove93 wrote:

I feel like it’s just frustration built up and gossiping either a friend with the intention of no one hearing and not hurting anyone is normal. The friend isn’t from there, she’s not gonna go around spreading the gossip. I’ve been frustrated with my in-laws and have talked to my best friend about it.

ArtemisFlare83 wrote:

I think what people are missing here is that she didn't do anything to your sister. She was venting to a friend, in what she thought was a private discussion. I honestly don't know a single person who doesn't vent to another (as sad as that is). She could have discussed things with you, yes. That would have been the better choice, but that's assuming she didn't already tell you how she felt.

You've been with her for 5 years. She moved to be with you, not to live with you, your sister, and her 2 kids. Not discussing the change in plans was not an okay thing to do. Yes, she still moved a couple of months later after, but what were the expectations laid out to her? Is your sister staying there for an undisclosed amount of time? She agreed to move to be with YOU.

You invited her to share a home with you. That means it is her home, too. Have you taken this into consideration? All relationships have problems that you heal and learn from. Relationships are also give and take. Are you asking or expecting her to accept whatever decisions you make because of your monetary contributions?

Don't break up with her for venting to a friend. Work on finding out how she truly feels and where this comes from. Use this as a learning experience in how to commit to someone through stressful times. Regardless of what you think, sharing her home with your sister and the kids is stressful.

Sharing your home with anyone other than your partner and kids is incredibly stressful. It's up to you if you break up with her, but honestly I think it would be a mistake. Sounds like she's made more of a commitment than you by moving to continue the relationship and then still moving even so you moved your sister and little ones in without even considering her.

l3ex_g wrote:

ESH, she was venting and it sounds like she was unhappy with your living situation but can’t talk to you about it because you are over protective of your sister and her situation.

There also seems to be a power imbalance between you and her and she might be frustrated since she can’t be honest with you. If I was expecting to live with my boyfriend and he calls me saying nvm it’s going to be my sister and her two young children joining, I would be upset.

She was being catty in a private convo with her friend. I think it would be okay for you and her to hash it out and try to move forward.

She gave up a lot for you and it doesn’t sound like she’s ever been unkind to your sister and her kids.