'AITA for breaking up with my girlfriend after she said she doesn't want to have kids but I do?'
"AITA for breaking up with my girlfriend after she said she doesn't want to have kids but I do?"
I (34M) have been with my girlfriend (30F) for 3 years. From the start, we talked about our future, and I made it clear that I want to have kids eventually. She seemed okay with it, saying she was "open to it," but as time went on, I realized she was just stringing me along.
Last week, we had a big talk, and she finally admitted that she doesn't want kids "ever." She even went as far as to say, "I’m not one of those women who thinks motherhood will magically complete me, that's why I ab-rted our last one because I'm sure of myself."
At first, I was shocked, thinking I might irked her for some reason or maybe it was just a temporary feeling, but then in morning she dropped another bombshell: "I’m happy with my life as is. If you really want kids, we should probably go our ways."
Are all women like this? Then I do not have any hope of making a family ever. I was devastated. She knew this was something I wanted. I’ve supported her dreams, her career, even moved cities to be with her.
Yet, when it comes to something so fundamental to envision a life together, she tells me it means nothing for her to have a baby. What hurt the most was when she said, "If you leave me over this, then maybe you never loved me in the first place."
Like, seriously? That felt like an emotional manipulation tactic, trying to guilt-trip me into staying in a relationship where we’re clearly not on the same page. I had a terrible mother who didn't love her children and I felt that convincing her would be a bigger failure if she didn't adore my kids in future.
So I broke up with her. She’s been calling and texting non-stop, crying about how I "destroyed everything," but I feel it was me who built everything and she is the one who destroyed us. I'm overwhelmed with this spiraling of gaslighting and not accepting that this is a breaking point.
I've been so invested in nurturing this relationship and supporting her with her many issues over the years that I've lost good friends and have no one to talk to, who will understand this. No one should have to find a new relationship at this age. I'm so crushed I feel like I'm doomed for life. :(
The internet had a lot to say in response to OP's situation.
Simple-Grapefruit-46 wrote:
NTA- you did the right thing. You want to be with someone who wants similar future as you.
OP responded:
Thank you for your support! I just couldn't ignore the fact that I cannot imagine life without making a family and there is no point in convincing a woman who wouldn't love her children. So I chose to let her go. I think it’s better to end things now than risk feeling resentful later on.
Silentsparkk wrote:
NTA. It's not fair of her to say you never loved her just because you dont agree on something this important. Having kids is a fundamental life decision, and it's totally valid for you to want that. She knew this from the beginning, so she has no right to guilt trip you now. You deserve to be with someone whose life goals align with yours.
Directconversation48 wrote:
NTA - you both are entitled to your views and they are not compatible for a long term relationship. She’s being an AH for the guilt-tripping / emotional manipulation.
OP responded:
The guilt-tripping and emotional manipulation really made it harder, and I realized I couldn’t stay in a relationship that felt like it was being held together by that. It’s tough.
Old_Airline_855 wrote:
Not the bad guy here kids are a deal-breaker not a pizza topping. Staying would’ve bred resentment on both sides. Her guilt-tripping? Unfair. You respected her honesty and yourself by walking away. It hurts now but you’re making space for someone who shares your dreams.
Professor_ZombieKill wrote:
Of course you're NTA. You've made your desire for kids clear to her and she's the one that has (at best) changed her mind or never even wanted kids in the first place. You only have 1 life and you want to have kids so it's a clear dealbreaker. She can be upset all she wants but she should take a look in the mirror to see who's to blame for this mess.
Remarkable-Manager56 wrote:
NTA. At the same time, I don't like that you think supporting her dreams and career is the same as giving birth to a child. She's very wrong for stringing you along and trying to manipulate you, but you can't expect a woman to have a child as a thank you gift for some kind of support. I wish you to find a partner who wants children as much as you do.
OP responded:
I don't think having a child is something that should be used as a reward or expectation, but for me, it’s about shared values and life goals. It wasn't about “thank you gifts,” but about wanting a future together that included children. I do hope to find someone who feels the same way.
JaneAustinAstronaut wrote:
ESH. You are NTA for breaking up with her - that was the right call. She's TA for trying to manipulate you into staying. However, YTA for this line:
"Yet when it comes to something that I want, she tells me it's not important enough to change her mind."
Children are people, and they are forever. This line seems to say that you feel she could "just have a baby" as some kind of favor to you. That's wild! You don't just indiscriminately have kids like that! You shouldn't be trying to change someone else's mind about having kids - they'd be the worst parents if they didn't choose it freely for themselves!
There's no "givesies-backsies" if you find that you hate parenthood, and there's no legal or biological way to bow out of being that kid's parents - once that kid is born, for better or worse the parents are stuck together with this kid forever.
That's terribly irresponsible on your part - nobody owes you kids and you shouldn't be trying to coerce someone into having them! Just find someone else who enthusiastically wants them with you. Thank the gods this relationship is d-ad - y'all seem too toxic for one another.