'AITA for bringing over another woman a month after my wife broke up with me, but was still sharing the house?'
"AITA for bringing over another woman over a month after my wife broke up with me, but was still sharing the house?"
My wife told me she wanted a dissolution right after new years. We had already decided she would move in with her parents, but two deaths in her family made her postpone telling anyone of her decision for several weeks. She stayed in the house for a while.
Every 1-2 weeks until mid February, I asked her if she was happy with her decision, and if she still wanted to break up with me. She reiterated each time that she was sticking with her choice, we were absolutely single, and we were nothing more than roommates.
We didn't even talk except for things relating to the divorce. Just acted like ships passing in the night. It was absolute torture for me, but I accepted and respected her decision, even though I disagreed with it.
For context, we had been in therapy for about a year and a half, and we're in a really bad rut for the last 12+ months. I kept wanting to push through it. She said she ran out of steam. In that year, my wife had encouraged me to date/have sex with other women because "it would be a load off her shoulders."
She later admitted in her divorce letter that she did that, unknowingly at the time, so that I would fall for them and break up with her instead. So I would be the one to move out. So that she wouldn't regret her decision to leave if she ended up unhappy.
By late January I had met another woman and started hanging out with her. After a couple of weeks, by mid February, I asked my wife if I could bring a guest over. She said sure, whatever. So I did. And we went to my room.
My wife knocked on the door and said she was leaving for the night to give us privacy. I didn't think anything of it. But since then, several of of our mutual friends have said it was a dick move, I really upset her, and I feel bad now for hurting my wife. She moved out a couple of weeks later.
AITAH? I truly didn't think she felt anything towards me. I had weeks of reiteration that we were single. I was just trying to move on. I feel really bad after hearing I upset her...
Edit: The dissolution paperwork has already been filed and accepted as of late February. We have our court date in a couple of weeks to finalize it. I still love her so much and do not want to separate. But she has even still recently reiterated that we were not compatible. Just a waiting game now, I guess. And a lot more processing on my end...
Edit 2: People are asking how I would feel if she brought a man over. Obviously horrible. But I'm not the one that wanted the break up, and I've made it very clear for weeks that I want to continue trying to save the marriage/relationship.
I would not have brought the new woman over if I had any reason to think my wife actually still cared about me. Clearly we had communication issues. Hence the therapy. And yes, i was too broke to go to a hotel. I'm on a single income now.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
NTA. Dude.... "She later admitted in her divorce letter that she did that, unknowingly at the time, so that I would fall for them and break up with her instead. So I would be the one to move out. So I would look like the bad guy." Well, well, well, and look at that...
"But since then, several of of our mutual friends have said it was a dick move, I really upset her, and I feel bad now for hurting my wife."
Not sure if I should say well played, wife lady, or not. It's shockingly obvious, yet you seem to have fallen for it...so, I guess she pulled it off.
NTA. She broke up with you, confirmed it multiple times, and said you were just roommates. You even asked before bringing someone over. You were respecting her boundaries, even while she was emotionally manipulating you behind the scenes.
Her getting hurt doesn’t mean you did something wrong — it just means she didn’t anticipate the emotional consequences of her own decision. You’re not a mind reader.
NTA. She moved out after this, which is what you both wanted. She FAFO.
She wants to be single but she doesn't want you to be single.
She got what she wanted, a way to make you the bad guy.
You might not be T A but you’re definitely messy as hell. Even if she said y’all were roommates idk why you thought “hmm my soon to be ex wife is here, but let me bring the new girl home to sex anyway,” would be a good idea. If this is even real.
NTA morally, although I wouldn't have personally moved that quickly. However, legally, talk to your divorce attorney, because you don't want her to be able to claim adultery if the paperwork isn't completed.
She's come out and said that her biggest concern is making sure you look like the bad guy so that she doesn't suffer socially or because she has a family where you just don't divorce. She has no say ethically, but make sure it can't come back to bite you.
NTA because she was waiting for this. You didn't fall her baiting you to be the bad guy before the divorce but now she's got you. I don't know who told the mutual friends but do they know all about her previously trying to make you look like the bad guy?
You guys have clearly been falling out of this marriage for a while and she's been dragging her feet on moving out. Yeah it may have been for legit reasons but that doesn't mean you have to put your life on hold for her any longer.